The Way of the Wild Heart, Chapter 4: Raising the Beloved Son, part 4

"As I said in the introduction, it is not within the scope of this book to address all the various issues encountered when raising boys. I do however, need to speak to the issue of discipline, because it is an essential part of raising the Beloved Son, and it will become an essential part of masculine initiation... children - boys being the subject here - need two basic messages when they are growing up: you are loved more than you can possibly imagine, and, You are not the center of the universe. Without the first, a boy will grow up insecure, uncertain, looking for love and finding it difficult to believe that he is worthy of being loved, even by God. Without the second, he will grow up selfish and self-centered, assuming that everyone else's agenda bows to his own."

Love and affirmation, discipline and correction, these are the two essential things a boy must receive from the very beginning. It is possible to give the second without the first, but if you really love your son, you will discipline him. He must know that you love him more than he will understand until he is the father. He must know that he holds a special place in your heart that no one else could ever occupy. But at the same time, he must know that your world does not revolve around him. He must know that you live in a bigger story, that you are fighting a bigger battle than simply for his happiness.

Without love and discipline a boy cannot become a man. Without the certainty and assurance of his identity there is no foundation for him to build upon. Without the disciple he is selfish and cowardly, refusing to stand for anything but himself. Neither is anything that we would think of as a man, and we all know guys in both camps. Love and discipline are the crucial things that must be learned if we are to raise the Beloved Son.

"Discipline teaches us obedience, and immediate and unquestioned obedience is a great gift to endow in a boy, a quality of character that will serve him the rest of his life. For it is an essential truth of life to know and appreciate the fact that the universe does not find you at its center. Rather it demands things of you, requires you to live within its limits... How much more true this is for a man before his God. You are loved immensely, and you must obey."

We are not in charge, and nothing revolves around us. We are God's beloved children, but He is Father, He is authority. He loves us more than we can ever fully comprehend, but at the same time He must be obeyed, and sadly we often only learn obedience through discipline. By disciplining our children we begin to teach them the love and fear of God. We teach them that there is always an authority above them, but it is an authority that comes from a loving father. His discipline is meant to shape our hearts into righteousness and holiness, and in that we find life and freedom.

"Discipline, after all, is ultimately the means to freedom. My boys don't clean their rooms so they can do it again; they clean their rooms so they can go play... Discipline is simply to keep our sin from destroying all the life God wants for us. Life is the point."

We were made for life, but in order to be able to live it, there are rule we must follow and standards to abide by. If we live in obedience to God, according to His standard of holiness, then we have the life that He wants for us. The rules are not the point, discipline for breaking the rules is not the point, life is. But life is only possible when we live it the way it was meant to be. Life only works when we live with discipline, because only then is their freedom.

And when we are obedient, God is able to give us good things, things we can't even imagine let alone ask for. It is crucial that we reward the obedience of our children, one it teaches them that discipline leads to freedom, and two it shows our love for them. "Unlooked-for surprises foster in the boy a belief that a father is a source of wonder things - something we want them to know about God... The quickest way to kill the spirit of the boy is through a rigid moralism, which lacks any spontaneity, adventure or freedom. For the boy is both a Cowboy and a Warrior in the making, and as such he needs adventures and dangers in order to thrive. When we provide them, far above and beyond discipline, we develop things in the boy he will later need, things like courage and curiosity, and we demonstrate that we know and love his heart. And don't forget physical affection. The boy craves it."

Children will see God as they see their fathers. What image are you presenting? Are you the strict disciplinarian who punishes but never rewards? Are you the one who over compensates and spoils your son but denies him the correction he needs? Do you invest in his heart, speaking his language, or do you force you dreams and hobbies on him? Your son needs your love and your discipline. He needs to see God as the authority, the standard to be obeyed, but in that obedience the source of every good and unlooked for thing. That is what it means to be the Beloved Son.

"Father, I need to know that I am your son, and that there is a place for me in your heart which no one else can fill. I need to experience you love... Heal and restore my soul as a son - as your Beloved Son. Give me grace to believe it. And show me now how to offer this to my son... Lead me in Jesus' name."

"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

To God alone be the Glory!

Strength and Honor

The Way of the Wild Heart, Chapter 4: Raising the Beloved Son, part 3

"Perhaps as we turn to sons and the young men around us, considering how we might be more intentional to raise them in a confidence that they are Beloved Sons, we might also discover more about our own hearts, and the heart of God."

As I've been thinking about this for the past few days part of me looks forward to having a son someday. Part of me feels that some healing I need will only be accomplished at that point. Prayer and Bible study are crucial, but when we enter the stage of fatherhood we are blessed with an incredible opportunity, to see our child through the eyes of a loving father. We get a glimpse of the love God has for us.

Right now I'm at a difficult spot. I know God will provide for the needs my wife and I have. Last week we were sharing about all of the ways He has provided in the past year. Time after time He has come through for us financially, but in my situation I've started to wonder if God really wants good things for me. I know life is not about me, but as I read the Bible, as I read this book, I'm hit with all of God's promises for blessing. The thing I am struggling with the most right now is wondering, maybe even doubting, that God wants good things for me, or that He has good things in store for me. Reading, and writing, this has been difficult. Trying to communicate a message that I'm struggling to really believe myself, and yet deep down knowing that it is true. It's one of those complicated things.

A boy must know that his heart is valued and cared about. He must know that the father notices, cares, and wants to fulfill the desires of his heart. "I love being with you. I love what you love.... How important for a boy to know that his father notices - I know what you love, and I love it, too. I choose it today above what I love... Actions speak louder than words. I love being with you. You are my delight. I'll set aside my own agenda to be with you doing something you love. I love who you are, love what you love. You get special time with me. This is how we raise Beloved Sons."

In order for a boy to know he is the Beloved Son of his father, his heart must be prized. The father must know the heart of his son and speak to him in ways that his heart understands. A son must be given priority at times, he must be the agenda, if he is to know he is the delight of his father. But this is not making you son the center of the universe.

"Some parents overcompensate in an effort to 'do it right' (by which they often mean, 'I don't want to screw it up like my parents did') and make their children the center of their world. Not a good idea. God doesn't make them the center of the universe, and neither should you. I know parents who have done this, and their children are insufferable to be around. A boy should know that his father lives in a much larger story... And, we need to be careful that we don't miss the heart of the boy by taking him to do something he doesn’t really want to do... The gifts we give must speak to their hearts."

I have a fear of overcompensating for the very reason listed here. The past two times I have read this book this section always stands out to me. I believe I shared this story when I first started this blog, but the first time I went camping was when I was a senior in college. My dad wasn't interested in sleeping on the ground so we never went. I wanted to be a Boy Scout when I was little, but I couldn't because every year there was a parade the troops marched in, and my dad wasn't going to do that, so I couldn't.

My dad is really into hunting, before he was married it was his weekend thing. I think that's the reason I got into it, because he liked it. I love shooting, and I love being outside, but I honestly don't really like killing animals. I love meat, so I'm not one of those "animals are better than people" advocates, but when I shoot something gentle and furry I feel like I'm shooting my dog. What appeal does that have? It's not something I really enjoy. I'd rather sit camoed in a tree with my camera and shoot pictures instead of bullets.

Now all of that being said, I believe my parents did do the best they could. That isn't saying they were perfect, and that isn't saying that I don't have wounds and things I will do differently when I'm a dad. But I'm nearing the point where I can say, "I understand" and look at it with more grace and compassion than I have in the past. I've come to realize that some things will never change between me and my dad, but that I can change the future and how Gunsalus fathers raise their sons.

And all of this brings us to an important question, "Where did you feel missed as a boy? How might God bring his love to that place now?" And this is where I begin to feel like I mentioned at the start. I'm working a job I don't enjoy, but it's a job the helps provide for my wife and dog. I'm not passionate about what I'm doing for a living. I don't have the time, space, or money to do the hobbies I actually like and enjoy, and I can't find the opportunity to make my living doing what I'm really passionate about. And all of this comes at a point where I'm trying to realize I am God's Beloved Son. In my situation it isn't easy to see that God delights in me.

And at the same time I have to ask, what does it mean to really be delighted in by God? I'm not the center of His universe, and His job is not to give me everything I want. And maybe all of this leads into the subject of the next post.

"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

To God alone be the Glory!

Strength and Honor

The Way of the Wild Heart, Chapter 4: Raising the Beloved Son, part 2

"Perhaps it would be best, then, to start with your heart as a man, because we all know that it is hard to give what you have never received." For many of us, this is where we have to start. The wounds of the past halted our journey, some before it really began, and now we are left aimlessly wandering hoping no one notices. But we were created to be men, created live from a true heart of strength to fight battles, live adventurously, and rescue beauties. And to do that we must know that we are first and foremost, Beloved Sons.

This is the message God must communicate to us, even now. And so the question we must ask, no matter how old we are, is "how would you love to be fathered these days?" What are your passions that responsibility has edged out of your life? What are the things you always wanted to do but couldn't? "NO matter how old we are, our true Father wants us to experience being his Beloved Sons, and all the joys of boyhood that go with it. But it requires opening our hearts, which will take us back into some of our deepest wounds, and the cynicism and resignation that shut our hearts down a long time ago. God does this so that he might bring his love and healing to the fatherless boy within us, the boy that still needs to know he is the Beloved Son."

This has not been an easy process for me. Looking back at things like this usually isn't. I think back to things I feel like I missed out on as a boy, and part of me feels like I have to make excuses as to why it was like that. I don't want to say anything negative about my parents, and I know they did the best they could, but at the same time there are things I feel I didn't get to enjoy and experience in childhood. Now with life being the way it is, it’s hard for me to begin to ask God to work in these areas. The weight of responsibility is heavy, and in some ways I feel like the guy I mentioned yesterday, "How do I fit this in to life?"

But this is essential. Without the affirmation that comes from knowing we are Beloved Sons, the rest of the journey is doomed to fail. "We need God to come for the boy within... He will often arrange for some event to make us feel just as we did when we were boys and our hearts were broken. Feeling again what we felt then or perhaps suddenly a memory surfaces, we have an opportunity not to push it away, or run to the refrigerator, or get angry at someone (however it is we typically handle these emotions). Rather, we invite God to come to the broken place within us, come and find the orphaned boy within and embrace him. We ask the Father to come and heal our broken hearts, rescue the boy and bring him home."

Right now I'm going through a lot of rejection in the career area. I feel trapped in a cycle with no future that forces me to be something I really don't want to be. Doors keep closing and there aren't any windows in this dark hallway. It's a frustrating experience to say the least. There is no time or money to do the things I really love and I'm stuck doing something that sucks the life out of me, barely able to hold onto dreams for the future that seem to be growing dimmer each day. But reading this has challenged me to look at it as a source of healing, as an avenue God is using to show me who I am and more, who I am to Him.

"The Father's healing comes to us in many ways - sometimes quite immediately, through healing prayer, other times over the course of many months as he speaks to our hearts, brings us gifts, opens our awareness of our heart and reawakens memories. Our part is to remain open to the fact that there is often a boy inside that needs a Father's love, to cultivate an awareness of the yearning in our hearts to be prized, and watch for the ways our Father is bringing his love to the young places in our hearts."

God will bring healing, but I think it is as individually unique as the wounds we each bear. Each of our childhood's was different, and so each of us must be fathered differently by God. God will speak to our hearts in ways that we need to hear, ways that are deeply personal, but in order to receive them we must be in relationship with God. We must allow ourselves to be sons of the Father in order to be affirmed as His Beloved Sons.

"Remember - I am suggesting a whole new way of approaching life. No more independent living, no more acting as though everything is up to us. We are seeking a new orientation, where God is our good Father initiating us. In this stage, much of the initiation is a form of healing. I am learning to ask him 'Father, what do you have for me?' and I am learning to wait to hear an answer. Sure, it takes time, and there are successes and failures. Keep an open heart as you seek the Father's love."

God is patient, as a good father is with his young son. He knows it takes time to learn, and even more time to trust after we have been wounded. But the life He is inviting us into, the life He created us to live, is a life of complete trust in Him. Proverbs 3.5-8 is perhaps the most profound section of Scripture, and it is something we must learn to live by if we are to become Men of God. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your body and refreshment to your bones."

"The heart of the boy can be resurrected, and no matter what our age is now, we can know that we are prized, that we have a place in our Father's heart that no one and nothing else can rival. We are his Beloved Sons, and we can begin to experience that in deeply personal ways."

"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

To God alone be the Glory!

Strength and Honor

The Way of the Wild Heart, Chapter 4: Raising the Beloved Son, part 1

"The orphaned boy always feels alone. Men with unhealed souls feel alone even in the company of friends." And it is for this reason that this stage is so crucial. This is where everything begins, and this defines so much of the journey. I was talking with one of my closest friends this week about the masculine journey, and as we talked the importance of this became even clearer to me. We are put on this earth as males in order to become men. The masculine journey is what we are born for. If we are guided and able to do it well God is glorified because we live fully alive. But if something happens and we stumble and don't get back up, if we are led astray, if we are hindered and never complete it, we miss out on everything He has in store for us.

Father's don't hinder the journey of your sons into manhood, help them begin the journey towards become men of God. "We want to raise boys who get to be boys, and who know beyond any shadow of doubt that they are the Beloved Son. But there is another meaning to the title of this chapter. To be raised also means to be resurrected. Brought back from the dead. There are many, many men who never knew the happiness and security of being the Beloved Son, and therefore never really got to be a boy in fullness and freedom. They might be angry... they might be uncertain of themselves; they may have looked to the woman for love, or to another man. They may be overachievers, or dropouts. They are all around, and they still need to know. The boy within needs to be raised from the depths of the soul where he has hidden or been banished so that the man can 'get on with his life.' The boy inside must be raised, and raise to the status of Beloved Son."

We all know the sad reality of that statement. Too many of us have never known that we are the Beloved Son. We were never able to enjoy the wonder and amazement of boyhood, and never received the discipline and correction that comes from the father's love. Without this knowledge the journey cannot continue, and since you cannot lead someone where you have never been, we cannot guide our sons during this stage of their journey. We must allow the Father to bring healing, and to affirm that we are His Beloved Sons.

"Before any man or family or experience in itself - it is God himself who embraces us and tells us we are the Beloved Son. He will bring this to us through words spoken in our hearts, through Scriptures that suddenly take on new meaning, through events that bring to us his delight - we come to see that he is smiling upon us, that he wants to bring us close to his heart."

You are God's Beloved Son, and He wants you to know that. As I have been reading I've been looking at my own life, a lot, thus why some of these posts are so far between. I see areas where I need to hear this message from God, where I need to know that He sees me as His Beloved Son. This knowledge is vital because without it the journey cannot continue.

I was talking with a guy from the couple’s small group my wife and I lead about this the masculine journey last week. He was sharing with me the things he's going through, why he's going through them, and his frustration with all of it. As he talked I kept thinking about these two books, and I asked if he had read them. I began talking with him about the masculine journey and I remember his saying, "I just don't feel like I have the time for it. Work, being a husband, and somehow fitting a masculine journey into that." As he said that I was thinking, "You can't afford not to."

This journey is not an option for us. Without this we can never hope to have life as it was meant to be, and we can never hope to find lasting joy. Remember, this journey is done with God, it is God who is fathering us. As a man to walk with God is to embark upon the masculine journey, because it is the path we were created to walk. We must allow God to father us, and to affirm us as His Beloved Son.

"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

To God alone be the Glory!

Strength and Honor

The Way of the Wild Heart, Chapter 3: Boyhood, part 3

We were meant to begin life under the protection of our father's strength. In this security we were meant to freely explore and adventure through the early years of life. Make believe battles, surprises that speak to our hearts, and the affirmation that we are truly loved and deeply prized. That was the intent, but sadly it's far from reality for many.

"The crucial thing about the stage of Beloved Son - any of the stages, for that matter - is that it not be cut short, assaulted, unfinished, stolen in any way. We were designed to experience belovedness and boyhood, soak in it for years, learn lessons, have them written indelibly upon our hearts, and then pass through this stage to the next, carrying all its treasures with us. We were meant to move on with the help of our fathers, into the next stage of masculine initiation... Far more often than not this stage is stolen."

Many boys are forced to grow up too fast. I shared that scene from The Patriot in an earlier post. For some it happens when dad leaves, or checks out. We've talked a lot about wounds, and I'm sure we will talk a lot more about them, but sadly boyhood, the time that is supposed to be full of affirmation often brings the deepest wounds that we ever receive. It is because of the wounds given here that we deal with so many issues later in life.

"A boy's heart is wounded in many ways. He is wounded when he does not live in a world made safe by his father, when he is not free to explore and dare and simply be a boy, when he is forced to grow up too soon. He is wounded when he does have that world, but it ends with a sudden loss of innocence. And most especially, a boy is wounded to the core when he does not know that he is the Beloved Son."

Each of our stories is different; each of our wounds is unique. But all of them come from the same source. "Whatever the details of the story might be, the boy is robbed of his father and of the deep and fundamental blessing that he is the Beloved Son. It is the evil one's first and most devastating blow against the soul of a man." We were made to be dangerous and powerful men of God. We were created to be warriors of righteousness who stand firm against Satan. The enemy knows this, and so he works quickly to take us out before we can become a threat to him. He works to deliver a crippling blow when we are young so that we cannot grow into the men we need to be.

For me, reading this chapter was a bit difficult. Things I read really made me question a lot of things and the Father, and my position as His beloved son. The last few years have been rough and full of disappointments. A few weeks ago my wife and I were driving and I remember saying to her, "Part of me is just like, 'God haven't I trusted enough? Haven't I shown that I am fully reliant upon you?' and there is still more and more that keeps coming." For a while earlier this week I was mad at God, I felt like He had let me down, in some ways I still do, and this is exactly how the enemy wants me to feel. "This is the enemy's one central purpose - to separate us from the Father."

In James it says that we are to submit ourselves to God. The next sentence says that we are to resist the devil and he will flee. But he only flees when we are submitted to God. He flees because of God, not us. If he can separate us from the Father by convincing us that we don't matter to Him, then there is no one to make him flee. That's just the way he wants it, and so he works to wound us deeply and separate us from God.

But God loves us too much to leave us there. He knows we are wounded, and He knows that we need healing so our initiation can commence. "God will come like a loving Father, and take us close to his heart. He will also take us back to heal the wounds, finish things that didn't get finished. He will come for the boy, no matter how old he might now be, and make him his Beloved Son."

The chapters of this book end with a prayer, for this chapter I have two questions highlighted, "Do I believe it even now?" and "Do I believe you want good things for me?" Right now those are the two biggest things on my heart and mind. Do I really believe that I am God's Beloved Son? What makes me believe or not believe it? Do I believe that God wants good things for me? For the past year or so I have questioned that a lot. Numerous doors have closed and I have been left very much alone with questions no one can answer but God, and He seems to be very silent. This knowledge is crucial, because it is the foundational identity for the journey. Hopefully, along the way I come to know the truth of this deeply.

"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

To God alone be the Glory!

Strength and Honor

The Way of the Wild Heart, Chapter 3: Boyhood, part 2

Security provided by a father's strength is essential to boyhood, because it is a time of adventure and battle, "This is what the heart of a boy longs for - daring adventures, battles, uncharted territory to be discovered." Growing up I had a toy rifle that went everywhere with me. Somewhere between kindergarten and second grade I got a bow and arrow for Christmas, and eventually the toy got traded in for a BB gun. I had a fort in the backyard, and I was ready for an attack at all times.

My cousins and I would always turn something into a weapon. I remember getting in trouble with my aunt once because we were pretending a toy drill was a hand gun. Boys can, and will, turn anything into a weapon. The other day I cut a young maple tree into a walking stick. As I was looking at it I noticed a bump about ten inches down the shaft, thinking that's a nice length for a handle, and then I turned it over and was holding, and swinging, it like a two handed broad sword. Anything can become a weapon, it just takes some imagination, and boys have just such an imagination, "Which reminds us that the boy is also a warrior, and all those games he plays and battles he imagines are preparation for the day he enters the stage of the Warrior in its fullness."

"A boy wants to be powerful. That's what's behind the superhero thing. To be powerful, and dangerous, a force to be reckoned with - that is the heart of the Warrior emerging." Boys need the father's strength to allow this, to test theirs against, but more importantly to see how to use theirs. This time of boyhood and the warrior at play, is just preparation for the future. He is training and learning skills that he will need, maybe one day to literally save lives, under the watchful eye of a loving father. He is able to adventure because the father is there watching over him. He can take risks because the father is there to rescue him if needed. The security of the father's strength is essential.

Boyhood is also a time of surprises, of gifts from his father that show his love for him. I am not saying to spoil your son, that will do him no good. But you must show him that you delight in him. The bow and arrow was a great gift, as was the Barlow pocket knife I got on another occasion. Once my dad let me have an ax. We were watching home movies a while ago and my sister was like "Why would you give an 8 year old an ax?!" Gifts like this are important, they don't have to be big expensive things, the ax was lying around in the shed, they just need to be things that speak to the heart of your son. "This, too, lays a foundation in the heart of the boy, for he comes to learn that life is not something you have to arrange for. There is someone who cares, someone who wants to give you good gifts."

I believe he talks about this in the book, but he shares the verse about giving good gifts to your children and our Father in Heaven giving good gifts to us. We see the desire of God to bless us in the actions of our fathers. In their generosity we see the generosity of God, and in them knowing our hearts and giving gifts that speak to our hearts, we see that God too cares about who we really are. God gave us our passions, and He wants us to live them out.

"Its experiences like these that speak to the heart of a boy. You are noticed. Your heart matters. Your father adores you. For we must remember that above all else, boyhood is the time of Affirmation, the time when a boy comes to learn and learn deeply that he is the Beloved Son... "Do I have what it takes? is a core question to be sure, and I still hold that it is the vital question of the masculine journey. But there is a deeper and prior need, one that comes first - in this stage - and one that must be met first, or the boy cannot move with confidence into any of the other stages. A boy yearns to know that he is prized... He yearns to know he is adored. Uniquely. That he holds a special place in his father's heart, a place no one and nothing else can rival. Without this certainty down in the core of his being, the boy will misinterpret the stages and lessons that are to come, for as a young man (Cowboy) he will soon be tested, and he will face battle sand challenges as a Warrior, and those tests and challenges often feel to men like a form of rejection or cold-heartedness on the part of God, because he does not first know in his heart of hearts that he is the Beloved Son."

This is where the journey begins, and it is crucial that it starts on the right foot. A boy must know that he is loved by his father if he is to grow into a man. If he has this heart knowledge, he can move on with confidence. "Without this bedrock of affirmation, this core of assurance, a man will move unsteadily through the rest of his life, trying to prove his worth and earn belovedness through performance or achievement, through sex, or in a thousand other ways."

This is how we were meant to begin life, but for many of us, sadly, this is not the experience we remember.

"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

To God alone be the Glory!

Strength and Honor

The Way of the Wild Heart, Chapter 3: Boyhood, part 1

"We begin our journey into sonship by looking backward, to what our lives as boys were like, and, more important, what they were meant to be. For so much of the way we now approach life as men was set in motion in our youth - some of it for good, and some not so good. We want to recover what was good, and find healing for all that was not. Boyhood is a time of exploration and wonder, and to be a boy is to be an explorer, from the time when the little guy figures out how to crawl up the stairs (he is gone in a flash), to the time he discovers that if he jumps over the back fence he can get down to Jimmy's house, where they have a secret fort. When God set Adam in the Garden of Eden, he set his son in a world that was, at the very same moment, safe and secure yet full of mystery and adventure. There was no reason whatsoever to be afraid, and every reason to dare... Evil is - for now - held at bay. Such is the world God intended for the boy. And that world is created under the sheltering strength of a father who makes you feel safe. For this is the time in life when we were meant to come into the knowledge that we are the Beloved Son, the apple of our father's eye."

I don't play a lot of video games. Growing up my dad said there would never be a Nintendo in his house and that I should go play outside. I loved going to my cousin's house because they had one. Eventually my little brother and I got one, and when my wife and I got married we decided to spend gift cards we had gotten from the wedding on a Wii. Again, I don't play that much, but there is one game I absolutely love, and here you get see part of my geek side (which really isn't all that big). My favorite video game is called "Aragorn's Quest" and it follows the story of the Lord of the Ring's movies. It's the only Lord of the Ring's game available for Wii. But my favorite part of the game isn't the aspects of the movie story.

A large chunk of it, and the part that I love most, is the story behind the story. In between levels of the game you play as a young hobbit child, Frodo Gamgee, the son of Samwise, and as this character you are free to run around and explore the Shire. I could spend, (and sadly probably have) hours playing this part of the game. Something about it connects with me, and this desire of being the beloved son. My heart longs for a place like the Shire, a place of serenity and peace. A place to work and explore, and just enjoy the fellowship of close friends. It's pretty much an Eden. I have spent hours working on the layout of a dream for the future, a piece of land, my own little Shire, where I can enjoy that peace and work, where my children can grow up and explore.

Boyhood was meant to be like that, a time of no worries, just exploration and adventures. A time of figuring out and learning. A time of wonder and amazement at creation and the Creator. It is a time to learn that we are prized by our father's, and in that by our Father. It is a time of knowing that you are safe and protected, not simply from harm, but from worry. In college I was involved with a ministry in a local elementary school. One day one of the kids, a first or second grader, told me they were under a lot of stress. My mind was immediately thinking, "You shouldn't even know that word." This stage of life I believe is meant to be the closest we get to Eden on this earth. But it is only that when if there is a strong father to make it so.

"Safe in your father's arms - that is what it feels like to be the Beloved Son." I'm a bigger guy, not fat, but athletically built. My wife is a petite lady, and I love it. When I hug her I can fully envelope her with my arms and broad shoulders. If something happened where I had to shield her with my body to keep her safe I would be able to. And when we have young children, I'll be able to do the same with them. Whenever they are being hugged by their daddy they will know that they are safe. Whenever dad is around they will know that nothing can harm them, that dad won't let anyone touch them, and that dad will always be there to keep them safe.

"The saftey that a father's strength provides allows a boy to be a boy, creates the universe for a boy's heart to come fully alive... When a boy has this confidence, this security and safety created by masculine strength over him, the whole world opens before him. He is able to live as a boy - an explorer and adventurer."

This is where the journey begins, safe and secure in the strong and powerful arms of a loving father. Without this security the journey cannot take place. There is a song I heard late in high school as I was preparing to head off to college. As with any big transition in life there are mixed emotions. Fear and excitement, panic and joy. But this song really spoke to me and this need to be the Beloved Son of God.

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because His armor is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
the warrior is a child

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and look up for a smile
'Cause deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
The Warrior is a Child

No matter how strong, or how old a man gets, there are always times when he needs to be picked up and protected by his daddy. The Beloved Son knows his father's strength, love, and protection, and knows at all times, that the Father will be there.

"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

To God alone be the Glory!

Strength and Honor

The Way of the Wild Heart, Chapter 2: True Son of a True Father, part 4

"You see, we need fathering still. All of us. More than we know. There are many places in us yet orphaned, many places that need initiation into manhood. This is as true of the seventy-year-old man as it is of the sixteen-year-old boy. We are Unfinished Men. And in truth, the Father has been fathering us for a long time now or, at least, trying to. What I'm suggesting is a new way of looking at your life as a man. To see your life as a process of initiation into masculine maturity, and your Father doing the initiating."

Life is a journey, and all of us are on it. All of us need to be one it. This life has been given to us so that we can become like Christ, and that is a process that takes a lifetime. Our lives are not meant to be adventures and battles that are done when we get married and have a couple of kids, being set aside for responsibility. We were created to live fully alive, a life of battling for truth, and living adventurously for God's glory, as we strive to be more like Him. And this is what God is wanting to lead us into.

Not one of us is perfectly like Christ, and we won't be until we take our final breath and meet Him in glory. But God is working to initiate us daily into Christlikeness. Every day we move closer to the goal. But we need God to take us there.

"We need fathering. We need initiation. In order to get there, we must embrace in our heart of hearts three truths given to us n Scripture. First, you have been brought home, through the work of Christ, to your true Father. Given the Spirit of sonship and, with it, the full rights of a son. Second, you are free from the constraints of your earthly family, free to follow God, free to become the man you were born to be, to surpass your family’s legacy. Third, the premise of this book: acting as a true Father, and you his true son, God is no raising you up as a son."

Galatians 5.1 says, "It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery." Philippians 1.6 tells us, "For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus." Christ set us free so that we could be free, and God is at work in us to mold us into the Men of God we were created to be. This is the desire of each of our hearts, and that heart has been set free in Christ.

In the movie Brave Heart there is a scene at the beginning where the young William Wallace has a dream. His father has been killed in battle, but in the dream he is alive and next to him and tells William, "Your heart is free. Have the courage to follow it." This is what God is saying to each of us. Your heart has been set free by Christ, and God is leading you into the life your heart longs for. Do you have the courage to follow Him?

"Our father has come for us, and our initiation is under way."

"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

To God alone be the Glory!

Strength and Honor

The Way of the Wild Heart, Chapter 2: True Son of a True Father, part 3

"Most men... understand that Christianity is an offer of forgiveness, made available to us through the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross... What they don't seem to grasp is, there is more. That forgiveness was made available to each of us so that we might come home to the Father. Forgiveness is not the goal. Coming home to the Father is the goal. So a man who calls himself a Christian, attends church, and has some hope of heaven when he dies has not received the lion's share of what God intended him to receive through the work of Christ. He will find himself living still very much alone, stuck in his journey, wondering why he cannot become the man he longs to be. He has not come into sonship."

As I typed that my mind went to the scene in The Lion King where Simba comes face to face with Mufasa in the clouds and his father tells him, "You are more than what you have become." That is true of us, and most of the men in the Church. We have missed the point of all of this, and in so doing, find ourselves board and restless, longing for something more.

In Wild at Heart John talked about how much of what has been presented to us is that we are to be well behaved, really nice guys. But that isn't what we were made for, and it isn't what we crave. We were made to be powerful and dangerous men. Men who stand up for truth, live in righteousness, fight the good fight of faith, defend the defenseless, and live passionately from true strength. That is the point, and that is what God both created us for, and is inviting us into through the redemption of Christ. We are more than what we have become.

"You are the son of a kind, strong, and engaged Father, a Father wise enough to guide you in the Way, generous enough to provide for your journey. His first act of provision happened before you were even born, when he rescued you through the life, death, and resurrection of our elder brother, Jesus of Nazareth. Then he called you to himself - perhaps is calling you even now - to come home to him through faith in Christ."

Regardless of what your earthly father did or didn't do, there is a true Father in God, who will more than make up for his shortcomings. The greatest things my dad did for me was to make sure I was in church every Sunday, and disciplined me when I did something wrong. I learned about God, and I learned how to act in society. And these two things enabled me to learn and grow.

"You see, our deepest convictions about ourselves, about life, and about God are handed to us by our families when we are young... Being a father is a noble undertaking, and a terrifically hard one. A 'hazardous conquest,' as Gabriel Marcel wrote, 'which is achieved step by step over difficult country full of ambushes.' If our earthly fathers faltered along the way, it may have been that the country they were asked to ravel was more difficult than we know. The longer we live, the more I think we will see our fathers' failures with compassion, and - I hope - we will see all that was good in what they were able to offer. A good father was meant to teach us truly about our Father God, and teach us to walk with him. For the day will come, sooner or later, when the son will no longer have his earthly father by his side (if ever he did have him there), and he must go on with God. So, one way or another, our lives find their fulfillment in union with our heavenly Father. This is central to Jesus' teaching."

At some point in every man's journey, they only father he will have is God. I performed a funeral last year and one of the man's sons said the thing he would miss most was having someone to call who knew exactly what he was talking about. As I spoke to them that day I said something along the lines of, "Even though your earthly father is gone, you are not fatherless. You have a heavenly father."

The most important thing any father can do is point his children to God. As I've been studying the Bible, recently I've found what I believe is the most crucial teaching in Scripture, and therefore the most important lesson for me to teach my children. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight" (Proverbs 3.5-60). Teaching them to fully trust in God, and knowing that when they do, He will guide them, is a lesson that will get them through everything they encounter, and it will stay with them even after I am gone.

We were made to live with this trust, this dependence upon God. When we realize this and actually begin to live like it, things can happen. "A radical shift has taken place for those of us who have come to faith in Christ. We have been embraced by our Father in heaven. He has taken us into his family. We are his sons. We really are. We have his Spirit in our hearts (rom. 8:15). We have a new legacy, for we shall be like him (rom. 8:29). We are free now to love our families here on earth, for we need not live under any of the false guilt, false pressures, false inheritances. Our view of ourselves as men can be healed. Our view of the life before us can be renewed. We are free now to take up our journeys with a Father who cares, who understands, who is committed to see us through. Our initiation can commence."

We are more than what we have become, and God isn't satisfied to leave us like that.

"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

To God alone be the Glory!

Strength and Honor

The Way of the Wild Heart, Chapter 2: True Son of a True Father, part 2

"As I explained in Wild at Heart, a boy derives his identity, his masculinity, and the answers to his deepest questions about himself from his father. It is a double-edged sword. What was created by God to be a good, powerful, and beautiful thing has become for many men a sort of deathblow. A verdict pronounced over their life. For the deepest wound a man carries is his father wound. Whether through violence, or rejection, or passivity, or abandonment, most men did not receive the love and validation they needed as boys from their fathers. They received something else - a wound. For if your father had the power to validate, then he also had the power to invalidate."

These words are so true. Just yesterday in church my pastor spoke on James 3 and the power of the tongue. It carries the power to do tremendous good, and at the same time, tremendous harm. Sons are given to fathers so that they may be built up into the men they were born to be. They are to learn right and wrong, the fear of God, and how to stand for justice from their fathers. They are to be told they are powerful, and have what it takes. Fathers have the power to affirm this, but the flip side of that is the power to crush hope. The tongue that can answer with a confidence building "Yes" can destroy with negativity, or silence. And sadly, too many sons have fathers that do the later. But there is more than just the wound.

"in addition to the wound, there is a sort of legacy we feel we have inherited from our fathers, a sort of primal bond, an inseverable tie to our fathers and what they were as men....The enemy is there in a moment, saying, You see, you are no different than him. You are your father's son"

A few weeks ago my dad and I were talking, and not one of those conversations you look forward to. Somehow we got onto the subject of family, and he said something I will never forget. "All Gunsalus' do is get divorced and have kids with women they aren't married to." Looking back at the past three generations of my family that's pretty much what has happened. My dad said that was a big part of the reason he was committed to staying with my mom. He was determined not get divorced. But that is the legacy he feels our family name carries with it. And it is a legacy I am determined to change. That will not be what is said at the end of my life.

My dad doesn't seem happy. In this conversation I told him, "I don't want to just get through life. I want to enjoy it, and I don't feel like you have." He works a job he hates, has no real hobbies, and in some ways I feel like him. Stuck doing something that doesn't challenge me, with no time or money to do the things I enjoy, and for a while I saw myself becoming just like him. And it scared me.

"Because in some deep, primal way, when we look at our fathers we fear that they are what we are and what we will become. Our destiny. We might never have put words to this primal fear, but look at it this way: how many men have spent years of their lives trying not to be like their fathers? Or trying to cover up fort them, defend them? And why is that? How many embittered mothers - knowing by intuition exactly where to aim the blow - have told their sons, 'You're just like your father.' And why is that such a piercing stab? A few fortunate men have fathers they want to be like... Sometimes men oversimplify the truth about their fathers in order to preserve an image of them unsupported by reality."

Many can relate to this, many of us have felt this. "Do you like who your father is, or was, as a man? Do you want to be just like him? More to our immediate need, can he lead you now on your journey, provide masculine initiation? Place yourself on the spectrum from 'I want to be just like him, he is showing me how' to 'Good guy, but not what I want to be as a man,' to 'Checked out for the most part. I don't want much to do with him,' to 'An evil man. May God deliver me from his legacy.'" Where do you fall? I've known guys who fall into every category. I know which one I want my sons to say of me. I want to leave them with a legacy they are proud to carry on. I want them to know who they are as men. And I want to leave them with validation, not a wound. But not all of us have been so lucky.

"Most men feel sentenced by their fathers in three ways. We feel sentenced by the wound, by what we got from them in answer to our deepest Question (Do i have what it takes?). We feel sentenced by the fact that there is now no one to lead us on in our need for masculine initiation. And we feel sentenced somehow to a bound we feel with our fathers - their sins, their failures, what they were as men. It feels like the hand you have been dealt. As if you might, with effort, make it a little farther than he, but you will always be his son. After all, there are those sayings, such as 'The apple doesn't fall far from the tree." If the family tree is a source of pride to us, then we can move on with confidence. But if it is not, we must realize that we can come out from under its shadow."

No matter who your father was, or what he did or failed to do, God has something to say. He has the final word in all of this. And as we move forward we'll see what He has to say.

"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

To God alone be the Glory!

Strength and Honor

The Way of the Wild Heart, Chapter 2: True Son of a True Father, part 1

"You are the son of a kind, strong, and engaged Father, a Father wise enough to guide you in the Way, generous enough to provide for your journey, offering to walk with you every step. This is perhaps the hardest thing for us to believe - really believe, down deep in our hearts, so that it changes us forever, changes the way we approach each day... I believe this is the core issue of our shared dilemma as men. We just don't believe it. Our core assumptions about the world boil down to this: we are on our own to make life work. We are not watched over. We are not cared for... When we are hit with a problem, we have to figure it out ourselves, or just take the hit. If anything good is going to come our way, we're the ones who are going to have to arrange for it. Many of us have called upon God as Father, but, frankly, he doesn't seem to have heard. We're not sure why. Maybe we didn't do it right. Maybe he's about more important matters. Whatever the reason, our experience of this world has framed our approach to life. We believe we are fatherless."

All of us, no exceptions, relate our earthly father's to God. All of us relate to God and view God in a similar fashion as we see our earthly fathers. It doesn't always stay that way, but our initial thought of God as father, comes from what we experienced with our dads. How has it shaped you and your view of God?

For me, I have gone through times when I've tried to talk to God but feel that He is distant and uninterested in what I have to say. Other times I have felt like God wants nothing to do with me because He's angry over something I did wrong. And I've been through times where I've felt God is distant, and loves everyone else more than me. And I'm finally at a point where I can admit that I've felt all of this from my dad.

Fathers, you are the model your children have of God. How they see and relate to you is how they will see and relate to God. And if no one comes along and shows them differently, it is how they will see God for their lives. I've met a lot of people who can't grasp the idea of God as a loving father because it isn't what they experienced growing up. The words love and father don't go together. And for men, the idea of a father guiding us, and teaching us how to be a man is an even more nonexistent thought.

"The hardest, gladdest thing in the world is to Father! from a full heart... the refusal to look up to God as our father is the one central wrong in the whole human affair; the inability, the one central misery." Let's look at The Patriot again. As Benjamin Martin and his two younger sons are preparing to ambush the British troops taking the oldest son to be executed he asks them, "What did I tell you fella's about shooting?" The both reply, "Aim small, miss small." In shooting, accuracy is a pretty important thing, especially in a fire fight where your life is dependent upon hitting the other person before they can hit you. If you aim big, you can miss big. Pointing you gun in the general direction of your target and pulling the trigger could hit them, but more than likely it's going miss pretty significantly. But if you aim, small, if you aim specifically at the heart, if you don't hit it, you'll hit some other vital organ right around the heart. Aim small, miss small.

Refusing to look up to God as our father is aiming big. It's trying to hit the target by aiming at everything else, or just taking a guess at what you need to hit and firing. But when we do look at God, when we open ourselves to the vulnerability of allowing God to show us what a real father is, we aim small. We might not hit it exactly on the first shot, but we are close, and we are headed in the right direction.

"You have a good Father. He is better than you thought. He cares. He really does. He's kind and generous. He's out for your bet. This is absolutely central to the teaching of Jesus, though I have to admit, it never really struck a chord in me until I began to think through the need for masculine initiation, and came straight up against the question, But who will do the initiating? Most of our fathers are gone, or checked out, or uninitiated men themselves. There are a few men, a very few, who have fathers initiating them in substantive ways. Would that we are were so lucky. And, some guys have found a mentor, but they also are hard to come by. Especially those who understand masculine initiation. So, again, I still find myself wondering, Where can we find a true father to initiate us? Then pow - the lights begin to come on. Maybe this is what Jesus was getting at. That is the way of any real discovery - we find ourselves in need, and then the answer that has actually been before us form some time suddenly matters, suddenly makes sense."

Look through the Bible, and see how many times it refers to God as "your Father" or "our Father" or "the Father". Read and the Gospels and see how many times Jesus says something along the lines of "You have heard... But I say...". Look at the life of Jesus. Jesus came to earth to show us what God is like, teach us about who God is and what God desires of us, and clear the path back to God. In Him we see that God is a loving Father, and we see that so much of what the people thought was skewed from what God originally had in mind.

God wants to initiate us as men. God has been trying to for our entire lives, but somewhere along the way something happened to misdirect us. We came to see God in a way that doesn't line up with who He really is. We've had men who haven't been initiated and don't know how to initiate us, do the best they can, in the best cases, and in the worst, nothing at all, and it has hindered our own journey. But God is working to get us back on the path. He knows that this is what we long for, because that is what He created us to do.

"The deepest search in life, it seemed to me, the thing that in one way or another was central to all living was man's search to find a father, not merely the father of his flesh, not merely the lost father of his youth, but the image of strength and wisdom external to his need and superior to his hunger, to which the belief and power of his own life could be united." And that is what God will fulfill and provide. It is something only He can provide. And once we see Him as the Father that He is, we can be initiated into the men we are created to be.

"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

To God alone be the Glory!

Strength and Honor

The Way of the Wild Heart, Chapter 1: The Masculine Journey, part 4

The Masculine Journey is not something that John Eldredge just came up with. He has given names to the stages that are seen in the lives of Biblical men. He shares briefly about both David and Jesus, and how these stages are seen in their lives. This is something that goes back thousands of years. Ever since men have walked the earth, they have been on this journey. There have always been some who have done this well, and others who have failed. But the more advanced we get as a society, the worse we seem to do about this. The farther we get from the beginning, the farther from Eden, the more corrupt and selfish people seem to be.

We were made to walk through these stages, and we see them everywhere. John points out a few movies, The Prince of Egypt, The Lord of the Rings, and The Lion King. To them I would add Batman Begins, Brave Heart, and Second Hand Lions. There are others in addition to these that show men at different parts of the journey. Some do it well, and some fail. But in all of these something is stirred within us, knowing that we were made for something more.

"Thus our journey of masculine initiation. Now, we don't know much about stages of development in our instant culture. We have someone else make our coffee for us. We no longer have to wait to have our photos developed... We don't have to wait to get in touch with someone... We don't need to wait for our leather jackets or our jeans or caps to age to get that rugged look - they come that way now, prefaded, tattered. Character that can be bought and worn immediately. But God is a God of process. If you want an oak tree, he has you start with an acorn... If you want a man, you must begin with the boy. God ordained the stages of masculine development. They are woven into the fabric of our being, just as the laws of nature are woven into the fabric of the earth."

We have to realize that this will take time. This will take effort. This will require something of us. We are going to be tested. But the character that is developed will be earned. It will mean something. It will have real value. And this is something we desperately need.

"The result of having abandoned masculine initiation is a world of unfinished, uninitiated men. But it doesn't have to be this way. We needn't wander in a fog. We don't have to live alone, striving, sulking, uncertain, angry. We don't have to figure life out for ourselves. There is another way. Wherever we are in the journey, our initiation, can begin in earnest."

We have a map, we have a heading. Let's break camp and move out. This journey will not be easy, but we are in this together, and we will emerge on the other side, Men of God.

"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

To God alone be the Glory!

Strength and Honor