"The young Cowboy Ranger needs a chance to test himself, to explore beyond mom and dad's reach." The boy is beginning to grow up, and it is crucial that mom and dad let him. He isn't ready to be fully on his own, there are still things he must learn from them, but it is time for the world to begin to get a little bigger. As we set out to raise sons through the Cowboy stage of the journey, it is crucial that we loosen our grip on them and let them begin to go.
Again think of The Patriot, a father tries to keep his sons from going out and growing up, one rebels and becomes a solider, another ends up being shot and killed. A boy doesn't become a man by being kept safe, his heart longs for more and he'll fight to get there. But without the guidance of a father, he ends up in the wrong place. And so we must allow our sons to grow up, and guide them as they grow.
"You have a strength, and it is needed. When a man feels that to be true, he rises up and engages like a man. As a boy begins to become a young man, there are some key issues at stake. He needs to know he possesses a genuine strength, and he needs to know that strength is ultimately for others. There is bravery that must be cultivated in him, for it will be called upon in every other stage of his life. Adventure comes into play to develop the masculine soul, because adventure calls us out, requires us to be something we want to be but aren't sure we are. Adventure nourishes and strengthens a man's heart in ways that cannot be fully articulated, must be experienced."
This stage is about a boy learning his strength, but more importantly how to use it correctly. Strength is best learned in adventure. I fell asleep watching The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey last night, but in the part I saw Gandalf and the dwarves are sitting around Bilbo's table debating if the hobbit is suited for the task that Gandalf says he is. And as they dwarves argue, Gandalf's voice thunders to get their attention, and then calms back down to tell them, "There’s a lot more to him than appearances suggest, and he’s got a great deal more to offer than any of you know, including himself." As the story progresses, and the adventures continue, we see Bilbo's confidence grow as he learns his strength. But it isn't discovered sitting comfortably in the Shire, it is only found on the road. The Cowboy needs adventure if he is ever to become a man.
"Now, the scale and nature of the adventure need to fit the boy, and the man, fit his stage of the journey. Ride in the canoe; paddle in the bow; pilot one yourself. There is a progression. Take the boy into adventure, and give him an increasing measure of freedom and responsibility there... But make sure the test or trial fits the young man's heart... The adventures and work that we choose must fit the soul of the boy. One young man's adventure would be terrifying to another."
On overwhelming task sets a boy up for failure, and a failure like this wounds rather than affirms. And a boy isn't ready to take control of a situation on his first outing, he has to learn, and as he gains confidence he is ready for more responsibility and risk. And above all, we must remember that all of us are different. We have different passions, different yearnings. Some guys want to surf, others want to climb mountains. Some join the military, others teach in the inner city. Know the heart of the boy you are guiding, and speak to him in ways that his heart yearns for. Invite him into adventures that are fitting, not the ones you want him to have.
"Now, I need to clarify something. The place of adventure in a man's journey is very, very important. Unfortunately, we live at a time when adventure has become big business. Magazines are filled with photo essays of the latest gear, the coolest places, the most extreme adventures... Much of this adventure is not initiation at all; it tends to be merely exotic play, nothing more than adolescent indulgence. Without a context, adventure is for the most part... just adventure... there are levels of adventure, from casual to crucial to critical. Casual adventures are mostly what fill the pages of those magazines... they can be a key part of initiation if they have a context, and if they are intended to be a first step toward more important adventures."
We must be careful not to indulge in adventure simply for adventure's sake. There are lessons to be learned. My first backpacking trip ended up being a simple two day hike with an over night camp out. But on this trip there was learning. I figured out what I could leave behind on the next trip, realized what clothing would be best, and got to see how to properly pack food and what kind of stuff to bring. Yes, it was a great trip, but it wasn't just a trip, it was a stepping stone of initiation. Adventure simply for the sake of adventure, risk for the sake of risk, is just foolish. There has to be a point.
"Adventure comes to us in many forms - a flat tire two hundred miles from nowhere, an invitation to join our friends in the woods, a yearning to completely change our careers. As men, we need to seek adventure, and embrace it when it comes unlooked for. Not to live a selfish life, not to squander our lives fishing and golfing, not the Peter Pan syndrome, but because there are things that need to be strengthened and called out in our souls as men, and that happens out there in adventure."
It is in adventure that we learn essential skills, we learn about our strength and what we are capable of. The Cowboy needs adventure to build the confidence that is essential to the future. Without it he faces the world with uncertainty. Adventure with a purpose.
"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
To God alone be the Glory!
Strength and Honor
Monday, September 16, 2013
Thursday, September 12, 2013
The Way of the Wild Heart, Chapter 5: Cowboy, part 4
Adventure and work go hand in hand. Too much or too little of either one is a bad thing that hinders the progress of a boy on his journey into manhood. And a father plays a crucial role in both. The absence of a father, or father figure, sets a boy up for failure and wounding.
"A young man's heart is wounded when he has no one to take him into the adventures his soul craves, no one to show him how to shoot a free throw or jump his bike or rock climb or use a power tool. This is how most young men experience fatherlessness - there is no man around who cares and who is strong enough to lead him into anything. His father might be physically present, but unavailable in every way, hiding behind a newspaper or spending hours at the computer while the young man waits for the father how never comes. Much of the anger we see in young men comes from this experience, because he is ready and fired up but has no outlet, no place to go. So it comes out in anger."
Reading that reminds me of another scene from The Patriot. The oldest son, Gabriel, has been a solider in the Continental Army for two years. His younger brother, Thomas, a fifteen year old, is anxious and ready to fight. Their father, Benjamin, played by Mel Gibson, is haunted by his past as a solider and is doing everything he can to shelter his family from war. Benjamin finds Thomas in his room wearing his old uniform and holding a tomahawk. As he takes it off of his son he says, "Not yet Thomas." When asked when, Benjamin says "17?" Thomas isn't happy because its two years away, and he desires to move on now, but his father refuses, and he refuses to tell his sons about his past, even though they repeatedly ask him.
Later that night, Gabriel comes to the house, wounded and looking for help. As Benjamin begins to tend to his wounds there is the sound of battle from outside the house. As he moves to look he sees soldiers being shot in the field. In the morning Benjamin and Thomas search the battle field for survivors and begin tending them at the house, and as they do British soldiers arrive to claim their comrades. As they are preparing to leave some of the British cavalry ride up, including the main villain. He is handed some dispatches that Gabriel was entrusted with, and then has him arrested and orders him to be taken to the fort and hanged.
Thomas pleads with his father to do something, but Benjamin simply orders him to be quite and begins to make sure his younger children are safe. Then then young Cowboy does something drastic. He charges the soldiers trying to free his brother, and ends up being shot and killed. The father refused to act, refused to let his sons grow up, and it results in death. Fathers wound or heal, give life or take it away. A Cowboy needs his father to take him into the adventure, to expose him to things that are challenging, but not damaging. When this doesn't take place the boy is deeply wounded.
"And a young man's heart is wounded when he repeatedly fails. Of course, failure is a part of learning and every cowboy gets thrown from his horse, But there needs to be someone at his side to interpret the failures and setbacks, to urge him to get back on the horse. If you weren't the Beloved Son, the testing that comes with this stage can feel unkind, cruel, a sort of rejection - especially if you are on your own."
I've felt this a lot with my career. All three churches I've worked at I feel like I've failed. My first assignment was as a youth pastor, while I was a full time college student. The pastor wanted me to do miracles with no money, no help, and no resources. When I couldn't he asked me to resign. My second assignment was as a youth and young adult pastor, and the church didn't have the money to hire me when they did. I moved out of state and went to work, and saw some good fruit growing. There were some differences of opinion with senior leadership, but he was my boss and I did what he said, but then the budget caught up with them. I resigned again, and was told that I had character flaws (I'm leaving out a lot of the story). Through both of these experiences I had someone to fall back on, someone to help me through them. It still hurt, but there were men I could turn to.
And then we come to the most recent experience. I was 24, and assigned to be the lead pastor of a church of about 40 people. There was one couple about my parent's age, and then pretty much everyone was either my grandparents, or in some cases great-grandparent's age. But I was young and passionate, and believed I could change the world. I got involved in the community, tried to build relationships and meet people, all with very little help from anyone in the church. Basically it was my wife and I doing everything. We were worn out, no one would help, and no one seemed to care. I remember going and talking to my district leaders and I was told, "Someone is going to have to push through this." No help just left on my own to try and work miracles. Here again, money was tight, and I ended up resigning again due to a lack of finances.
I was told I would be used to fill in speaking at other churches, that happened twice in the past year. No one did anything to help us find another assignment. Afterwards a few people talked with me just to tell me the things that I had done wrong and needed to do differently the next time, and I've only had one person from the denomination contact me just to see how I'm doing consistently over the past year. I've walked through a lot of this time very much alone and wondering why. No one came along side and asked how I was feeling and what I was thinking. No one fathered me through this. Part of me can't believe I just wrote that out, but I feel that it's time.
"The Masculine soul needs the trials and adventures and experiences that bring a young man to the settled confidence David showed before Goliath - the lion and the bear experiences. All of these experience of the Cowboy stage are driving at one basic goal: to answer his Question. The boy-becoming-a-young-man has a Question, and the Question is, 'Do I have what it takes?' It is a father's job to help him get an answer, a resounding Yes! that the boy himself believes because it has come through experience. The father provides initiation by arranging for moments - through hard work and adventure - when the Question is on the line... The father is to speak into his son's heart deep affirmation. Yes, you do. You have what it takes. He needs a hundred experiences that will help him get there, and he is wounded and emasculated when he is kept from those experiences, or left on his own to interpret them, or when no one is there to help him in his journey toward initiation."
"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
To God alone be the Glory!
Strength and Honor
"A young man's heart is wounded when he has no one to take him into the adventures his soul craves, no one to show him how to shoot a free throw or jump his bike or rock climb or use a power tool. This is how most young men experience fatherlessness - there is no man around who cares and who is strong enough to lead him into anything. His father might be physically present, but unavailable in every way, hiding behind a newspaper or spending hours at the computer while the young man waits for the father how never comes. Much of the anger we see in young men comes from this experience, because he is ready and fired up but has no outlet, no place to go. So it comes out in anger."
Reading that reminds me of another scene from The Patriot. The oldest son, Gabriel, has been a solider in the Continental Army for two years. His younger brother, Thomas, a fifteen year old, is anxious and ready to fight. Their father, Benjamin, played by Mel Gibson, is haunted by his past as a solider and is doing everything he can to shelter his family from war. Benjamin finds Thomas in his room wearing his old uniform and holding a tomahawk. As he takes it off of his son he says, "Not yet Thomas." When asked when, Benjamin says "17?" Thomas isn't happy because its two years away, and he desires to move on now, but his father refuses, and he refuses to tell his sons about his past, even though they repeatedly ask him.
Later that night, Gabriel comes to the house, wounded and looking for help. As Benjamin begins to tend to his wounds there is the sound of battle from outside the house. As he moves to look he sees soldiers being shot in the field. In the morning Benjamin and Thomas search the battle field for survivors and begin tending them at the house, and as they do British soldiers arrive to claim their comrades. As they are preparing to leave some of the British cavalry ride up, including the main villain. He is handed some dispatches that Gabriel was entrusted with, and then has him arrested and orders him to be taken to the fort and hanged.
Thomas pleads with his father to do something, but Benjamin simply orders him to be quite and begins to make sure his younger children are safe. Then then young Cowboy does something drastic. He charges the soldiers trying to free his brother, and ends up being shot and killed. The father refused to act, refused to let his sons grow up, and it results in death. Fathers wound or heal, give life or take it away. A Cowboy needs his father to take him into the adventure, to expose him to things that are challenging, but not damaging. When this doesn't take place the boy is deeply wounded.
"And a young man's heart is wounded when he repeatedly fails. Of course, failure is a part of learning and every cowboy gets thrown from his horse, But there needs to be someone at his side to interpret the failures and setbacks, to urge him to get back on the horse. If you weren't the Beloved Son, the testing that comes with this stage can feel unkind, cruel, a sort of rejection - especially if you are on your own."
I've felt this a lot with my career. All three churches I've worked at I feel like I've failed. My first assignment was as a youth pastor, while I was a full time college student. The pastor wanted me to do miracles with no money, no help, and no resources. When I couldn't he asked me to resign. My second assignment was as a youth and young adult pastor, and the church didn't have the money to hire me when they did. I moved out of state and went to work, and saw some good fruit growing. There were some differences of opinion with senior leadership, but he was my boss and I did what he said, but then the budget caught up with them. I resigned again, and was told that I had character flaws (I'm leaving out a lot of the story). Through both of these experiences I had someone to fall back on, someone to help me through them. It still hurt, but there were men I could turn to.
And then we come to the most recent experience. I was 24, and assigned to be the lead pastor of a church of about 40 people. There was one couple about my parent's age, and then pretty much everyone was either my grandparents, or in some cases great-grandparent's age. But I was young and passionate, and believed I could change the world. I got involved in the community, tried to build relationships and meet people, all with very little help from anyone in the church. Basically it was my wife and I doing everything. We were worn out, no one would help, and no one seemed to care. I remember going and talking to my district leaders and I was told, "Someone is going to have to push through this." No help just left on my own to try and work miracles. Here again, money was tight, and I ended up resigning again due to a lack of finances.
I was told I would be used to fill in speaking at other churches, that happened twice in the past year. No one did anything to help us find another assignment. Afterwards a few people talked with me just to tell me the things that I had done wrong and needed to do differently the next time, and I've only had one person from the denomination contact me just to see how I'm doing consistently over the past year. I've walked through a lot of this time very much alone and wondering why. No one came along side and asked how I was feeling and what I was thinking. No one fathered me through this. Part of me can't believe I just wrote that out, but I feel that it's time.
"The Masculine soul needs the trials and adventures and experiences that bring a young man to the settled confidence David showed before Goliath - the lion and the bear experiences. All of these experience of the Cowboy stage are driving at one basic goal: to answer his Question. The boy-becoming-a-young-man has a Question, and the Question is, 'Do I have what it takes?' It is a father's job to help him get an answer, a resounding Yes! that the boy himself believes because it has come through experience. The father provides initiation by arranging for moments - through hard work and adventure - when the Question is on the line... The father is to speak into his son's heart deep affirmation. Yes, you do. You have what it takes. He needs a hundred experiences that will help him get there, and he is wounded and emasculated when he is kept from those experiences, or left on his own to interpret them, or when no one is there to help him in his journey toward initiation."
"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
To God alone be the Glory!
Strength and Honor
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
The Way of the Wild Heart, Chapter 5: Cowboy, part 3
"The Cowboy heart is wounded - or at least, undeveloped, but more often wounded - in a young man if he is never allowed to have adventure, and it is wounded if he has no one to take him there. It is wounded if he has no confidence-building experiences with work. And on both counts, it is wounded if the adventure or the work is overwhelming, unfit to the heart of the boy, and if he repeatedly fails there."
Again we find ourselves looking at an area of woundedness; it's the reality we live in. No matter how old or how strong we are, wounds happen. The enemy wants to take us out, and he never stops trying to. As a boy begins to step into the larger world, the attacks begin to come, and they work to emasculate him. Adventures come in all shapes and sizes, sometimes as small as riding a roller coaster as John mentions early in this section, but sometimes a parent is so overprotective they won't even allow that.
"That is emasculation, and it applies to those parents who never let their boys ride bikes on a dirt path, forbid them to climb a tree or jump on a trampoline, keep them indoors most of the time. They might say they are only acting out of love and concern for the boy, but the message is, 'You'll get hurt. You can't handle it. You don't have what it takes.'" The central question of a boy's heart is answered with a repeated "NO!" When a boy is never allowed to adventure because of the risks, he never really gets to test himself and learn his strength. Growing up I climbed trees, and road my bike where I wanted, but one thing I was never allowed to do was jump on a trampoline. Whenever we would be at someone's house that had one I was always told, without even asking, that I couldn't play on it.
It's one of those things that just kind of sticks with you, and to this day there are still some risks I won't take. Part of it is that I know I could get hurt with things, and to me the risk isn't worth taking, but I think other things come from this experience of not being allowed to try. This past January I was in Jordan at Petra. My wife and I had walked through the valley and climbed the 900 plus stairs to get to the Monastery. As we looked at the massive structure cut out of the mountain face I noticed that on the top left corner of the structure was a person. Part of me really wanted to climb up there, and our security guard said I could go, my wife even gave me permission, but I didn't. I looked at it, and talked myself out of it. I made the excuse that if I had a little more rock climbing experience I would have gone. I'm not saying that had I been allowed to jump on a trampoline I would have climbed up there, I still weigh risk and don't do things I'm not equipped to handle, but part of me wishes I would have.
Emasculation happens not only when parents don't allow their boys to adventure outside, but also when they refuse to make them. "For that matter, a boy is wounded when his parents simply let him live in front of the TV, or the computer, or the video games young men love. I have nothing against computers or video games per se... but I am very concerned when they take the substitute of a real adventure." There is no risk in video games. If you die, you just respawn. There is no testing of strength to get to level ten and beat the final boss. Growing up I wasn't allowed to have a Nintendo, honestly it was a good thing. It forced me outside where I had a fort that I defended with my bow and arrow and BB gun.
"It is emasculating to shelter a young man from everything dangerous. Yes, there are risks involved, and as the young man moves into his mid- to late teens, those bodily risks increase dramatically... There is wisdom in parenting, but we must accept the fact that there is risk also... 'It's better to break a man's leg than it is to break his heart.'" Physical injuries heal a lot faster than emotional ones. I've never had a broken bone, but my heart has been wounded, and at almost 27, it still isn't fully healed.
Adventure is key to the Cowboy stage because it allows a young man to test his strength against things that are beyond his control. But the same is true of work, something that to some extent is in his control. Work is part of life, and a boy must learn how to do it. "When it comes to work, the principles are the same. Too little is a wound, as is too much." John talks about the use of power tools, and how there are some dads who never let their sons use them. I remember a lot of times like that with my dad.
One thing that sticks out to me the most though is from sometime in elementary school. I don't remember exactly how old I was, probably between second and third grade. There was a men's work day at church on a Saturday, and my dad took me along. On this particular day they were clearing some cut trees from the lot next to the church by using a chipper. We pulled into the parking lot, and my dad told me I couldn't put anything into the chipper. I understand the risk of these things. I've heard a story about a grown man getting sucked into one, but what I wish he would have done was helped me do it, stood by me and made sure I was safe as I put a couple of branches into the machine, "let a young man take risks even in his work."
"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
To God alone be the Glory!
Strength and Honor
Again we find ourselves looking at an area of woundedness; it's the reality we live in. No matter how old or how strong we are, wounds happen. The enemy wants to take us out, and he never stops trying to. As a boy begins to step into the larger world, the attacks begin to come, and they work to emasculate him. Adventures come in all shapes and sizes, sometimes as small as riding a roller coaster as John mentions early in this section, but sometimes a parent is so overprotective they won't even allow that.
"That is emasculation, and it applies to those parents who never let their boys ride bikes on a dirt path, forbid them to climb a tree or jump on a trampoline, keep them indoors most of the time. They might say they are only acting out of love and concern for the boy, but the message is, 'You'll get hurt. You can't handle it. You don't have what it takes.'" The central question of a boy's heart is answered with a repeated "NO!" When a boy is never allowed to adventure because of the risks, he never really gets to test himself and learn his strength. Growing up I climbed trees, and road my bike where I wanted, but one thing I was never allowed to do was jump on a trampoline. Whenever we would be at someone's house that had one I was always told, without even asking, that I couldn't play on it.
It's one of those things that just kind of sticks with you, and to this day there are still some risks I won't take. Part of it is that I know I could get hurt with things, and to me the risk isn't worth taking, but I think other things come from this experience of not being allowed to try. This past January I was in Jordan at Petra. My wife and I had walked through the valley and climbed the 900 plus stairs to get to the Monastery. As we looked at the massive structure cut out of the mountain face I noticed that on the top left corner of the structure was a person. Part of me really wanted to climb up there, and our security guard said I could go, my wife even gave me permission, but I didn't. I looked at it, and talked myself out of it. I made the excuse that if I had a little more rock climbing experience I would have gone. I'm not saying that had I been allowed to jump on a trampoline I would have climbed up there, I still weigh risk and don't do things I'm not equipped to handle, but part of me wishes I would have.
Emasculation happens not only when parents don't allow their boys to adventure outside, but also when they refuse to make them. "For that matter, a boy is wounded when his parents simply let him live in front of the TV, or the computer, or the video games young men love. I have nothing against computers or video games per se... but I am very concerned when they take the substitute of a real adventure." There is no risk in video games. If you die, you just respawn. There is no testing of strength to get to level ten and beat the final boss. Growing up I wasn't allowed to have a Nintendo, honestly it was a good thing. It forced me outside where I had a fort that I defended with my bow and arrow and BB gun.
"It is emasculating to shelter a young man from everything dangerous. Yes, there are risks involved, and as the young man moves into his mid- to late teens, those bodily risks increase dramatically... There is wisdom in parenting, but we must accept the fact that there is risk also... 'It's better to break a man's leg than it is to break his heart.'" Physical injuries heal a lot faster than emotional ones. I've never had a broken bone, but my heart has been wounded, and at almost 27, it still isn't fully healed.
Adventure is key to the Cowboy stage because it allows a young man to test his strength against things that are beyond his control. But the same is true of work, something that to some extent is in his control. Work is part of life, and a boy must learn how to do it. "When it comes to work, the principles are the same. Too little is a wound, as is too much." John talks about the use of power tools, and how there are some dads who never let their sons use them. I remember a lot of times like that with my dad.
One thing that sticks out to me the most though is from sometime in elementary school. I don't remember exactly how old I was, probably between second and third grade. There was a men's work day at church on a Saturday, and my dad took me along. On this particular day they were clearing some cut trees from the lot next to the church by using a chipper. We pulled into the parking lot, and my dad told me I couldn't put anything into the chipper. I understand the risk of these things. I've heard a story about a grown man getting sucked into one, but what I wish he would have done was helped me do it, stood by me and made sure I was safe as I put a couple of branches into the machine, "let a young man take risks even in his work."
"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
To God alone be the Glory!
Strength and Honor
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
The Way of the Wild Heart, Chapter 5: Cowboy, part 2
"I want to be quick to say that the time of the Cowboy is not meant to be merely on of unending adventure. Many fatherless young men find life in some adventure like kayaking or snowboarding, and they stay there and make it their world. They adopt the culture of the sport, the language and the clothing that identify them as a really cool adventurer. They might take a job at a resort or as a guide, in order to do it 24-7. But the adventure loses its transcendence, and they find themselves stuck in their journey. They are modern-day Peter Pans, refusing to grow up as men. On the surface they seem alive, and free, and daring. Beneath, they are uncertain and ungrounded. And they have broken the hearts of many young women who loved the adventurer, and didn't understand why he wouldn't go on to be the Warrior, and the Lover, and the King. The balance here to adventure is that this season in a young man's life is equally a time of learning to work."
As a Beloved Son, discipline is one of the most important things a father can offer his son, and it is that discipline which strengthens the son to grow and be able to work. As a Cowboy, one of the most important things a father can teach his son is how to work. Growing up, my dad didn't really teach me a skill. I'm not a carpenter in any way. I hate working on cars with a passion. But my dad taught me how to work. I can do manual labor harder and longer than most guys my age. If there is work to do I can start early and go non-stop until its dark. I know how to work.
This is an important lesson for a boy to learn, and it is something every man needs to know. But it seems to be becoming a lost art. In this day and age everything seems to be about getting things done for you, and keeping your clothes clean. People are afraid of getting their hands dirty, to get dirt under their fingernails. Many think that somehow certain tasks are below them.
I've found a love for gardening. The satisfaction of planting a seed and caring for it as it grows until it produces food for you to eat, it's an awesome feeling. I've spent a lot of time over the last year learning about the wide variety of things that I can grow, and with that I've started putting a dream on paper. One day I'm hoping to be blessed with a piece of land, hopefully a large, open field with trees on the edges. I want to plant an orchard with close to sixty fruit trees, and a stone patio and arbor to one side to be able to sit and watch the sunset in. I've got an idea for a large berry patch, over 270 plants, as well as some chestnut and almond trees. On top of that are the sunflowers, and vegetable gardens, and an area of mulberries, crabapples, and a clover, alfalfa, and turnip food plot to attract the deer, rabbits, and birds away from everything else. Somewhere I'm hoping to put a maple grove so that I can make my own syrup.
My wife likes weeping willows, so I want to put in a pond and plant a couple of those around the border. I want to take the dirt from the pond and use it to build a backstop for a shooting range. It's all there, made to scale, and color coordinated. I've spent hours working on this, every time longing for the day that it will hopefully become a reality. And the longer I have to wait, the more detailed things get. It will be a lot of work. Lots of planting and then there are fences to put up. After that there is the work to care for and maintain everything, but honestly, its work my soul longs to be able to do.
"Life is hard. While he is the Beloved son, a boy is largely shielded from this reality. But a young man needs to know that life is hard, that it won't come to you like Mom used to make it come to you, all soft and warm and to your liking, with icing. It comes to you more the way Dad makes it come to you - with testing, as on a long hike or trying to get an exhaust manifold replaced. Until a man learns to deal with the fact that life is hard, he will spend his days chasing the wrong thing, using all his energies trying to make life comfortable, soft, nice, and that is no way for any man to spend his life."
From the very beginning, man was put her to work and tend the earth; after the fall the work required intensified. Life requires something of a man, it requires him to work, and the result of that work is the ability to enjoy life. Discipline is taught to the Beloved Son, so that he learns obedience and is able to find freedom. Work leads to adventure and enjoyment. The reason I like fruit trees is because they produce something I can enjoy. And when a boy is taught how to work, it opens endless possibilities for him.
"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
To God alone be the Glory!
Strength and Honor
As a Beloved Son, discipline is one of the most important things a father can offer his son, and it is that discipline which strengthens the son to grow and be able to work. As a Cowboy, one of the most important things a father can teach his son is how to work. Growing up, my dad didn't really teach me a skill. I'm not a carpenter in any way. I hate working on cars with a passion. But my dad taught me how to work. I can do manual labor harder and longer than most guys my age. If there is work to do I can start early and go non-stop until its dark. I know how to work.
This is an important lesson for a boy to learn, and it is something every man needs to know. But it seems to be becoming a lost art. In this day and age everything seems to be about getting things done for you, and keeping your clothes clean. People are afraid of getting their hands dirty, to get dirt under their fingernails. Many think that somehow certain tasks are below them.
I've found a love for gardening. The satisfaction of planting a seed and caring for it as it grows until it produces food for you to eat, it's an awesome feeling. I've spent a lot of time over the last year learning about the wide variety of things that I can grow, and with that I've started putting a dream on paper. One day I'm hoping to be blessed with a piece of land, hopefully a large, open field with trees on the edges. I want to plant an orchard with close to sixty fruit trees, and a stone patio and arbor to one side to be able to sit and watch the sunset in. I've got an idea for a large berry patch, over 270 plants, as well as some chestnut and almond trees. On top of that are the sunflowers, and vegetable gardens, and an area of mulberries, crabapples, and a clover, alfalfa, and turnip food plot to attract the deer, rabbits, and birds away from everything else. Somewhere I'm hoping to put a maple grove so that I can make my own syrup.
My wife likes weeping willows, so I want to put in a pond and plant a couple of those around the border. I want to take the dirt from the pond and use it to build a backstop for a shooting range. It's all there, made to scale, and color coordinated. I've spent hours working on this, every time longing for the day that it will hopefully become a reality. And the longer I have to wait, the more detailed things get. It will be a lot of work. Lots of planting and then there are fences to put up. After that there is the work to care for and maintain everything, but honestly, its work my soul longs to be able to do.
"Life is hard. While he is the Beloved son, a boy is largely shielded from this reality. But a young man needs to know that life is hard, that it won't come to you like Mom used to make it come to you, all soft and warm and to your liking, with icing. It comes to you more the way Dad makes it come to you - with testing, as on a long hike or trying to get an exhaust manifold replaced. Until a man learns to deal with the fact that life is hard, he will spend his days chasing the wrong thing, using all his energies trying to make life comfortable, soft, nice, and that is no way for any man to spend his life."
From the very beginning, man was put her to work and tend the earth; after the fall the work required intensified. Life requires something of a man, it requires him to work, and the result of that work is the ability to enjoy life. Discipline is taught to the Beloved Son, so that he learns obedience and is able to find freedom. Work leads to adventure and enjoyment. The reason I like fruit trees is because they produce something I can enjoy. And when a boy is taught how to work, it opens endless possibilities for him.
"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
To God alone be the Glory!
Strength and Honor
Monday, September 9, 2013
The Way of the Wild Heart, Chapter 5: Cowboy, part 1
"I would set the beginning of the Cowboy (or Ranger) stage in early adolescence - around age twelve or thirteen - and suggest it carries into the midtwenties. Though I would be quick to remind you that the stages overlap. What little tike doesn't want adventure, as he races his down a hill or learns to climb a tree? What man of fifty doesn't need time away, in the outdoors? But a notable shift begins to take place in the boy's soul as he approaches his teens, a yearning for real adventure. Something inside tells him that he needs to prove himself, needs to be tested. He wants to learn how to do things... And now the Question of a man's soul begins to present itself in nearly everything the boy-becoming-a-young-man does: do I have what it takes? In the Cowboy stage the answer comes party through adventure, and partly through hard work."
The time spent as the Beloved Son is about affirmation and correction, about love and discipline. It is at the beginning that we are to learn who we are and how to live, and in that knowledge we are able to move on into the next stage. We take the identity we receive from the Father, and begin to test ourselves with adventures. We take the discipline we received and apply that to hard work. The stages build and we can't skip them. The lessons learned in the previous one are used in the present, and the ones learned presently prepare us for what is to come.
Stage two, the Cowboy, or ranger, depending on your preference, is a time where adventure should be a large focus. It is in this time when there is real freedom to be able to adventure. Though reality begins to set it, there shouldn't be the full weight of responsibility yet. The boy is a young man, not yet a man, and is not ready for a man's responsibility. And so this should be a time of great adventures.
"'Taking to the road' often plays a big part of the Cowboy (or Ranger) stage, as you see with the hobbits in The Lord of the Rings, and with Balin in Kingdom of Heaven... They take to the trail together on a high - and dangerous - adventure that calls forth daring and courage, and requires hard work and determination - things a boy-becoming-a-young-man needs to learn in order to face life head-on."
A Beloved Son lives in a safe little world made that way by his father's strength. But for the Beloved Son, the world is just that, little. As he grows and becomes a Cowboy, the world begins to get a little bit bigger. He begins to step out from his father's strength, and discover his own. And this is the way life is meant to be lived. He is not ready to step out fully on his own yet, but after all, this is preparation for that time, and he must be given the freedom, and permission, to do so.
"Men, and boys, learn by doing, we learn through experience... It's one thing to be told you have what it takes. It's another thing altogether to discover that you do, through some trial brought up in an adventure, or through some test that hard work demands. The experience is both a revelation and a kind of authoring, in that it reveals to you what you are made of and writes the lesson on your heart. For masculine initiation is not a spectator sport. It is something that must be entered into. It is one part instruction and nine parts experience."
As I've been writing I've been thinking about myself in this stage. Growing up I was shy and hesitant, (more on this later) and there were certain things I just wouldn't attempt. But a big change began to take place during my junior year of college (that was a huge year in my life). I had to take a class in Washington D.C. that required us to be "homeless" for a day. First off, I'm really not a fan of cities. There is too much noise, and too much going on, to fully be aware of your surroundings. I always feel on edge when I have to be in one. But something began to change. The first night we were in the city a group wanted to go explore, so I went along for something to do. We had gotten off the metro and as we were walking down the sidewalk I looked around and realized it was me and one other guy with about eight girls, and at that moment this hit me, "I'm the biggest guy in this group. If something happens it's up to me to protect everyone."
Something happened in that moment that changed me, gave me a new confidence. I'm still not a fan of being in the city, but I was different. The next year I would get on a plane (something else I wasn't a fan of), and travel to Israel and Egypt. Two years later I'd travel to Turkey and Greece. And two years after that I'd return to Israel and this time see Jordan, with my wife. I really doubt the me from before that DC trip would have done any of those things.
It is in this stage, through adventures, and we'll see next, hard work, that a boy learns that he does have what it takes. He learns that he does have strength and is a powerful and dangerous force. "There is a settled confidence in the boy - he knows he has what it takes. But it is not an arrogance - he knows that God has been with him. He will charge Goliath, and take his best shot, trusting God will do the rest. That 'knowing' is what we are after in the Cowboy Ranger phase, and it only comes through experience... experiences... physical in nature, they were dangerous, and they required courage."
"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
To God alone be the Glory!
Strength and Honor
The time spent as the Beloved Son is about affirmation and correction, about love and discipline. It is at the beginning that we are to learn who we are and how to live, and in that knowledge we are able to move on into the next stage. We take the identity we receive from the Father, and begin to test ourselves with adventures. We take the discipline we received and apply that to hard work. The stages build and we can't skip them. The lessons learned in the previous one are used in the present, and the ones learned presently prepare us for what is to come.
Stage two, the Cowboy, or ranger, depending on your preference, is a time where adventure should be a large focus. It is in this time when there is real freedom to be able to adventure. Though reality begins to set it, there shouldn't be the full weight of responsibility yet. The boy is a young man, not yet a man, and is not ready for a man's responsibility. And so this should be a time of great adventures.
"'Taking to the road' often plays a big part of the Cowboy (or Ranger) stage, as you see with the hobbits in The Lord of the Rings, and with Balin in Kingdom of Heaven... They take to the trail together on a high - and dangerous - adventure that calls forth daring and courage, and requires hard work and determination - things a boy-becoming-a-young-man needs to learn in order to face life head-on."
A Beloved Son lives in a safe little world made that way by his father's strength. But for the Beloved Son, the world is just that, little. As he grows and becomes a Cowboy, the world begins to get a little bit bigger. He begins to step out from his father's strength, and discover his own. And this is the way life is meant to be lived. He is not ready to step out fully on his own yet, but after all, this is preparation for that time, and he must be given the freedom, and permission, to do so.
"Men, and boys, learn by doing, we learn through experience... It's one thing to be told you have what it takes. It's another thing altogether to discover that you do, through some trial brought up in an adventure, or through some test that hard work demands. The experience is both a revelation and a kind of authoring, in that it reveals to you what you are made of and writes the lesson on your heart. For masculine initiation is not a spectator sport. It is something that must be entered into. It is one part instruction and nine parts experience."
As I've been writing I've been thinking about myself in this stage. Growing up I was shy and hesitant, (more on this later) and there were certain things I just wouldn't attempt. But a big change began to take place during my junior year of college (that was a huge year in my life). I had to take a class in Washington D.C. that required us to be "homeless" for a day. First off, I'm really not a fan of cities. There is too much noise, and too much going on, to fully be aware of your surroundings. I always feel on edge when I have to be in one. But something began to change. The first night we were in the city a group wanted to go explore, so I went along for something to do. We had gotten off the metro and as we were walking down the sidewalk I looked around and realized it was me and one other guy with about eight girls, and at that moment this hit me, "I'm the biggest guy in this group. If something happens it's up to me to protect everyone."
Something happened in that moment that changed me, gave me a new confidence. I'm still not a fan of being in the city, but I was different. The next year I would get on a plane (something else I wasn't a fan of), and travel to Israel and Egypt. Two years later I'd travel to Turkey and Greece. And two years after that I'd return to Israel and this time see Jordan, with my wife. I really doubt the me from before that DC trip would have done any of those things.
It is in this stage, through adventures, and we'll see next, hard work, that a boy learns that he does have what it takes. He learns that he does have strength and is a powerful and dangerous force. "There is a settled confidence in the boy - he knows he has what it takes. But it is not an arrogance - he knows that God has been with him. He will charge Goliath, and take his best shot, trusting God will do the rest. That 'knowing' is what we are after in the Cowboy Ranger phase, and it only comes through experience... experiences... physical in nature, they were dangerous, and they required courage."
"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
To God alone be the Glory!
Strength and Honor
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
The Way of the Wild Heart, Chapter 4: Raising the Beloved Son, part 4
"As I said in the introduction, it is not within the scope of this book to address all the various issues encountered when raising boys. I do however, need to speak to the issue of discipline, because it is an essential part of raising the Beloved Son, and it will become an essential part of masculine initiation... children - boys being the subject here - need two basic messages when they are growing up: you are loved more than you can possibly imagine, and, You are not the center of the universe. Without the first, a boy will grow up insecure, uncertain, looking for love and finding it difficult to believe that he is worthy of being loved, even by God. Without the second, he will grow up selfish and self-centered, assuming that everyone else's agenda bows to his own."
Love and affirmation, discipline and correction, these are the two essential things a boy must receive from the very beginning. It is possible to give the second without the first, but if you really love your son, you will discipline him. He must know that you love him more than he will understand until he is the father. He must know that he holds a special place in your heart that no one else could ever occupy. But at the same time, he must know that your world does not revolve around him. He must know that you live in a bigger story, that you are fighting a bigger battle than simply for his happiness.
Without love and discipline a boy cannot become a man. Without the certainty and assurance of his identity there is no foundation for him to build upon. Without the disciple he is selfish and cowardly, refusing to stand for anything but himself. Neither is anything that we would think of as a man, and we all know guys in both camps. Love and discipline are the crucial things that must be learned if we are to raise the Beloved Son.
"Discipline teaches us obedience, and immediate and unquestioned obedience is a great gift to endow in a boy, a quality of character that will serve him the rest of his life. For it is an essential truth of life to know and appreciate the fact that the universe does not find you at its center. Rather it demands things of you, requires you to live within its limits... How much more true this is for a man before his God. You are loved immensely, and you must obey."
We are not in charge, and nothing revolves around us. We are God's beloved children, but He is Father, He is authority. He loves us more than we can ever fully comprehend, but at the same time He must be obeyed, and sadly we often only learn obedience through discipline. By disciplining our children we begin to teach them the love and fear of God. We teach them that there is always an authority above them, but it is an authority that comes from a loving father. His discipline is meant to shape our hearts into righteousness and holiness, and in that we find life and freedom.
"Discipline, after all, is ultimately the means to freedom. My boys don't clean their rooms so they can do it again; they clean their rooms so they can go play... Discipline is simply to keep our sin from destroying all the life God wants for us. Life is the point."
We were made for life, but in order to be able to live it, there are rule we must follow and standards to abide by. If we live in obedience to God, according to His standard of holiness, then we have the life that He wants for us. The rules are not the point, discipline for breaking the rules is not the point, life is. But life is only possible when we live it the way it was meant to be. Life only works when we live with discipline, because only then is their freedom.
And when we are obedient, God is able to give us good things, things we can't even imagine let alone ask for. It is crucial that we reward the obedience of our children, one it teaches them that discipline leads to freedom, and two it shows our love for them. "Unlooked-for surprises foster in the boy a belief that a father is a source of wonder things - something we want them to know about God... The quickest way to kill the spirit of the boy is through a rigid moralism, which lacks any spontaneity, adventure or freedom. For the boy is both a Cowboy and a Warrior in the making, and as such he needs adventures and dangers in order to thrive. When we provide them, far above and beyond discipline, we develop things in the boy he will later need, things like courage and curiosity, and we demonstrate that we know and love his heart. And don't forget physical affection. The boy craves it."
Children will see God as they see their fathers. What image are you presenting? Are you the strict disciplinarian who punishes but never rewards? Are you the one who over compensates and spoils your son but denies him the correction he needs? Do you invest in his heart, speaking his language, or do you force you dreams and hobbies on him? Your son needs your love and your discipline. He needs to see God as the authority, the standard to be obeyed, but in that obedience the source of every good and unlooked for thing. That is what it means to be the Beloved Son.
"Father, I need to know that I am your son, and that there is a place for me in your heart which no one else can fill. I need to experience you love... Heal and restore my soul as a son - as your Beloved Son. Give me grace to believe it. And show me now how to offer this to my son... Lead me in Jesus' name."
"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
To God alone be the Glory!
Strength and Honor
Love and affirmation, discipline and correction, these are the two essential things a boy must receive from the very beginning. It is possible to give the second without the first, but if you really love your son, you will discipline him. He must know that you love him more than he will understand until he is the father. He must know that he holds a special place in your heart that no one else could ever occupy. But at the same time, he must know that your world does not revolve around him. He must know that you live in a bigger story, that you are fighting a bigger battle than simply for his happiness.
Without love and discipline a boy cannot become a man. Without the certainty and assurance of his identity there is no foundation for him to build upon. Without the disciple he is selfish and cowardly, refusing to stand for anything but himself. Neither is anything that we would think of as a man, and we all know guys in both camps. Love and discipline are the crucial things that must be learned if we are to raise the Beloved Son.
"Discipline teaches us obedience, and immediate and unquestioned obedience is a great gift to endow in a boy, a quality of character that will serve him the rest of his life. For it is an essential truth of life to know and appreciate the fact that the universe does not find you at its center. Rather it demands things of you, requires you to live within its limits... How much more true this is for a man before his God. You are loved immensely, and you must obey."
We are not in charge, and nothing revolves around us. We are God's beloved children, but He is Father, He is authority. He loves us more than we can ever fully comprehend, but at the same time He must be obeyed, and sadly we often only learn obedience through discipline. By disciplining our children we begin to teach them the love and fear of God. We teach them that there is always an authority above them, but it is an authority that comes from a loving father. His discipline is meant to shape our hearts into righteousness and holiness, and in that we find life and freedom.
"Discipline, after all, is ultimately the means to freedom. My boys don't clean their rooms so they can do it again; they clean their rooms so they can go play... Discipline is simply to keep our sin from destroying all the life God wants for us. Life is the point."
We were made for life, but in order to be able to live it, there are rule we must follow and standards to abide by. If we live in obedience to God, according to His standard of holiness, then we have the life that He wants for us. The rules are not the point, discipline for breaking the rules is not the point, life is. But life is only possible when we live it the way it was meant to be. Life only works when we live with discipline, because only then is their freedom.
And when we are obedient, God is able to give us good things, things we can't even imagine let alone ask for. It is crucial that we reward the obedience of our children, one it teaches them that discipline leads to freedom, and two it shows our love for them. "Unlooked-for surprises foster in the boy a belief that a father is a source of wonder things - something we want them to know about God... The quickest way to kill the spirit of the boy is through a rigid moralism, which lacks any spontaneity, adventure or freedom. For the boy is both a Cowboy and a Warrior in the making, and as such he needs adventures and dangers in order to thrive. When we provide them, far above and beyond discipline, we develop things in the boy he will later need, things like courage and curiosity, and we demonstrate that we know and love his heart. And don't forget physical affection. The boy craves it."
Children will see God as they see their fathers. What image are you presenting? Are you the strict disciplinarian who punishes but never rewards? Are you the one who over compensates and spoils your son but denies him the correction he needs? Do you invest in his heart, speaking his language, or do you force you dreams and hobbies on him? Your son needs your love and your discipline. He needs to see God as the authority, the standard to be obeyed, but in that obedience the source of every good and unlooked for thing. That is what it means to be the Beloved Son.
"Father, I need to know that I am your son, and that there is a place for me in your heart which no one else can fill. I need to experience you love... Heal and restore my soul as a son - as your Beloved Son. Give me grace to believe it. And show me now how to offer this to my son... Lead me in Jesus' name."
"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
To God alone be the Glory!
Strength and Honor
Monday, August 26, 2013
The Way of the Wild Heart, Chapter 4: Raising the Beloved Son, part 3
"Perhaps as we turn to sons and the young men around us, considering how we might be more intentional to raise them in a confidence that they are Beloved Sons, we might also discover more about our own hearts, and the heart of God."
As I've been thinking about this for the past few days part of me looks forward to having a son someday. Part of me feels that some healing I need will only be accomplished at that point. Prayer and Bible study are crucial, but when we enter the stage of fatherhood we are blessed with an incredible opportunity, to see our child through the eyes of a loving father. We get a glimpse of the love God has for us.
Right now I'm at a difficult spot. I know God will provide for the needs my wife and I have. Last week we were sharing about all of the ways He has provided in the past year. Time after time He has come through for us financially, but in my situation I've started to wonder if God really wants good things for me. I know life is not about me, but as I read the Bible, as I read this book, I'm hit with all of God's promises for blessing. The thing I am struggling with the most right now is wondering, maybe even doubting, that God wants good things for me, or that He has good things in store for me. Reading, and writing, this has been difficult. Trying to communicate a message that I'm struggling to really believe myself, and yet deep down knowing that it is true. It's one of those complicated things.
A boy must know that his heart is valued and cared about. He must know that the father notices, cares, and wants to fulfill the desires of his heart. "I love being with you. I love what you love.... How important for a boy to know that his father notices - I know what you love, and I love it, too. I choose it today above what I love... Actions speak louder than words. I love being with you. You are my delight. I'll set aside my own agenda to be with you doing something you love. I love who you are, love what you love. You get special time with me. This is how we raise Beloved Sons."
In order for a boy to know he is the Beloved Son of his father, his heart must be prized. The father must know the heart of his son and speak to him in ways that his heart understands. A son must be given priority at times, he must be the agenda, if he is to know he is the delight of his father. But this is not making you son the center of the universe.
"Some parents overcompensate in an effort to 'do it right' (by which they often mean, 'I don't want to screw it up like my parents did') and make their children the center of their world. Not a good idea. God doesn't make them the center of the universe, and neither should you. I know parents who have done this, and their children are insufferable to be around. A boy should know that his father lives in a much larger story... And, we need to be careful that we don't miss the heart of the boy by taking him to do something he doesn’t really want to do... The gifts we give must speak to their hearts."
I have a fear of overcompensating for the very reason listed here. The past two times I have read this book this section always stands out to me. I believe I shared this story when I first started this blog, but the first time I went camping was when I was a senior in college. My dad wasn't interested in sleeping on the ground so we never went. I wanted to be a Boy Scout when I was little, but I couldn't because every year there was a parade the troops marched in, and my dad wasn't going to do that, so I couldn't.
My dad is really into hunting, before he was married it was his weekend thing. I think that's the reason I got into it, because he liked it. I love shooting, and I love being outside, but I honestly don't really like killing animals. I love meat, so I'm not one of those "animals are better than people" advocates, but when I shoot something gentle and furry I feel like I'm shooting my dog. What appeal does that have? It's not something I really enjoy. I'd rather sit camoed in a tree with my camera and shoot pictures instead of bullets.
Now all of that being said, I believe my parents did do the best they could. That isn't saying they were perfect, and that isn't saying that I don't have wounds and things I will do differently when I'm a dad. But I'm nearing the point where I can say, "I understand" and look at it with more grace and compassion than I have in the past. I've come to realize that some things will never change between me and my dad, but that I can change the future and how Gunsalus fathers raise their sons.
And all of this brings us to an important question, "Where did you feel missed as a boy? How might God bring his love to that place now?" And this is where I begin to feel like I mentioned at the start. I'm working a job I don't enjoy, but it's a job the helps provide for my wife and dog. I'm not passionate about what I'm doing for a living. I don't have the time, space, or money to do the hobbies I actually like and enjoy, and I can't find the opportunity to make my living doing what I'm really passionate about. And all of this comes at a point where I'm trying to realize I am God's Beloved Son. In my situation it isn't easy to see that God delights in me.
And at the same time I have to ask, what does it mean to really be delighted in by God? I'm not the center of His universe, and His job is not to give me everything I want. And maybe all of this leads into the subject of the next post.
"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
To God alone be the Glory!
Strength and Honor
As I've been thinking about this for the past few days part of me looks forward to having a son someday. Part of me feels that some healing I need will only be accomplished at that point. Prayer and Bible study are crucial, but when we enter the stage of fatherhood we are blessed with an incredible opportunity, to see our child through the eyes of a loving father. We get a glimpse of the love God has for us.
Right now I'm at a difficult spot. I know God will provide for the needs my wife and I have. Last week we were sharing about all of the ways He has provided in the past year. Time after time He has come through for us financially, but in my situation I've started to wonder if God really wants good things for me. I know life is not about me, but as I read the Bible, as I read this book, I'm hit with all of God's promises for blessing. The thing I am struggling with the most right now is wondering, maybe even doubting, that God wants good things for me, or that He has good things in store for me. Reading, and writing, this has been difficult. Trying to communicate a message that I'm struggling to really believe myself, and yet deep down knowing that it is true. It's one of those complicated things.
A boy must know that his heart is valued and cared about. He must know that the father notices, cares, and wants to fulfill the desires of his heart. "I love being with you. I love what you love.... How important for a boy to know that his father notices - I know what you love, and I love it, too. I choose it today above what I love... Actions speak louder than words. I love being with you. You are my delight. I'll set aside my own agenda to be with you doing something you love. I love who you are, love what you love. You get special time with me. This is how we raise Beloved Sons."
In order for a boy to know he is the Beloved Son of his father, his heart must be prized. The father must know the heart of his son and speak to him in ways that his heart understands. A son must be given priority at times, he must be the agenda, if he is to know he is the delight of his father. But this is not making you son the center of the universe.
"Some parents overcompensate in an effort to 'do it right' (by which they often mean, 'I don't want to screw it up like my parents did') and make their children the center of their world. Not a good idea. God doesn't make them the center of the universe, and neither should you. I know parents who have done this, and their children are insufferable to be around. A boy should know that his father lives in a much larger story... And, we need to be careful that we don't miss the heart of the boy by taking him to do something he doesn’t really want to do... The gifts we give must speak to their hearts."
I have a fear of overcompensating for the very reason listed here. The past two times I have read this book this section always stands out to me. I believe I shared this story when I first started this blog, but the first time I went camping was when I was a senior in college. My dad wasn't interested in sleeping on the ground so we never went. I wanted to be a Boy Scout when I was little, but I couldn't because every year there was a parade the troops marched in, and my dad wasn't going to do that, so I couldn't.
My dad is really into hunting, before he was married it was his weekend thing. I think that's the reason I got into it, because he liked it. I love shooting, and I love being outside, but I honestly don't really like killing animals. I love meat, so I'm not one of those "animals are better than people" advocates, but when I shoot something gentle and furry I feel like I'm shooting my dog. What appeal does that have? It's not something I really enjoy. I'd rather sit camoed in a tree with my camera and shoot pictures instead of bullets.
Now all of that being said, I believe my parents did do the best they could. That isn't saying they were perfect, and that isn't saying that I don't have wounds and things I will do differently when I'm a dad. But I'm nearing the point where I can say, "I understand" and look at it with more grace and compassion than I have in the past. I've come to realize that some things will never change between me and my dad, but that I can change the future and how Gunsalus fathers raise their sons.
And all of this brings us to an important question, "Where did you feel missed as a boy? How might God bring his love to that place now?" And this is where I begin to feel like I mentioned at the start. I'm working a job I don't enjoy, but it's a job the helps provide for my wife and dog. I'm not passionate about what I'm doing for a living. I don't have the time, space, or money to do the hobbies I actually like and enjoy, and I can't find the opportunity to make my living doing what I'm really passionate about. And all of this comes at a point where I'm trying to realize I am God's Beloved Son. In my situation it isn't easy to see that God delights in me.
And at the same time I have to ask, what does it mean to really be delighted in by God? I'm not the center of His universe, and His job is not to give me everything I want. And maybe all of this leads into the subject of the next post.
"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
To God alone be the Glory!
Strength and Honor
Saturday, August 24, 2013
The Way of the Wild Heart, Chapter 4: Raising the Beloved Son, part 2
"Perhaps it would be best, then, to start with your heart as a man, because we all know that it is hard to give what you have never received." For many of us, this is where we have to start. The wounds of the past halted our journey, some before it really began, and now we are left aimlessly wandering hoping no one notices. But we were created to be men, created live from a true heart of strength to fight battles, live adventurously, and rescue beauties. And to do that we must know that we are first and foremost, Beloved Sons.
This is the message God must communicate to us, even now. And so the question we must ask, no matter how old we are, is "how would you love to be fathered these days?" What are your passions that responsibility has edged out of your life? What are the things you always wanted to do but couldn't? "NO matter how old we are, our true Father wants us to experience being his Beloved Sons, and all the joys of boyhood that go with it. But it requires opening our hearts, which will take us back into some of our deepest wounds, and the cynicism and resignation that shut our hearts down a long time ago. God does this so that he might bring his love and healing to the fatherless boy within us, the boy that still needs to know he is the Beloved Son."
This has not been an easy process for me. Looking back at things like this usually isn't. I think back to things I feel like I missed out on as a boy, and part of me feels like I have to make excuses as to why it was like that. I don't want to say anything negative about my parents, and I know they did the best they could, but at the same time there are things I feel I didn't get to enjoy and experience in childhood. Now with life being the way it is, it’s hard for me to begin to ask God to work in these areas. The weight of responsibility is heavy, and in some ways I feel like the guy I mentioned yesterday, "How do I fit this in to life?"
But this is essential. Without the affirmation that comes from knowing we are Beloved Sons, the rest of the journey is doomed to fail. "We need God to come for the boy within... He will often arrange for some event to make us feel just as we did when we were boys and our hearts were broken. Feeling again what we felt then or perhaps suddenly a memory surfaces, we have an opportunity not to push it away, or run to the refrigerator, or get angry at someone (however it is we typically handle these emotions). Rather, we invite God to come to the broken place within us, come and find the orphaned boy within and embrace him. We ask the Father to come and heal our broken hearts, rescue the boy and bring him home."
Right now I'm going through a lot of rejection in the career area. I feel trapped in a cycle with no future that forces me to be something I really don't want to be. Doors keep closing and there aren't any windows in this dark hallway. It's a frustrating experience to say the least. There is no time or money to do the things I really love and I'm stuck doing something that sucks the life out of me, barely able to hold onto dreams for the future that seem to be growing dimmer each day. But reading this has challenged me to look at it as a source of healing, as an avenue God is using to show me who I am and more, who I am to Him.
"The Father's healing comes to us in many ways - sometimes quite immediately, through healing prayer, other times over the course of many months as he speaks to our hearts, brings us gifts, opens our awareness of our heart and reawakens memories. Our part is to remain open to the fact that there is often a boy inside that needs a Father's love, to cultivate an awareness of the yearning in our hearts to be prized, and watch for the ways our Father is bringing his love to the young places in our hearts."
God will bring healing, but I think it is as individually unique as the wounds we each bear. Each of our childhood's was different, and so each of us must be fathered differently by God. God will speak to our hearts in ways that we need to hear, ways that are deeply personal, but in order to receive them we must be in relationship with God. We must allow ourselves to be sons of the Father in order to be affirmed as His Beloved Sons.
"Remember - I am suggesting a whole new way of approaching life. No more independent living, no more acting as though everything is up to us. We are seeking a new orientation, where God is our good Father initiating us. In this stage, much of the initiation is a form of healing. I am learning to ask him 'Father, what do you have for me?' and I am learning to wait to hear an answer. Sure, it takes time, and there are successes and failures. Keep an open heart as you seek the Father's love."
God is patient, as a good father is with his young son. He knows it takes time to learn, and even more time to trust after we have been wounded. But the life He is inviting us into, the life He created us to live, is a life of complete trust in Him. Proverbs 3.5-8 is perhaps the most profound section of Scripture, and it is something we must learn to live by if we are to become Men of God. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your body and refreshment to your bones."
"The heart of the boy can be resurrected, and no matter what our age is now, we can know that we are prized, that we have a place in our Father's heart that no one and nothing else can rival. We are his Beloved Sons, and we can begin to experience that in deeply personal ways."
"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
To God alone be the Glory!
Strength and Honor
This is the message God must communicate to us, even now. And so the question we must ask, no matter how old we are, is "how would you love to be fathered these days?" What are your passions that responsibility has edged out of your life? What are the things you always wanted to do but couldn't? "NO matter how old we are, our true Father wants us to experience being his Beloved Sons, and all the joys of boyhood that go with it. But it requires opening our hearts, which will take us back into some of our deepest wounds, and the cynicism and resignation that shut our hearts down a long time ago. God does this so that he might bring his love and healing to the fatherless boy within us, the boy that still needs to know he is the Beloved Son."
This has not been an easy process for me. Looking back at things like this usually isn't. I think back to things I feel like I missed out on as a boy, and part of me feels like I have to make excuses as to why it was like that. I don't want to say anything negative about my parents, and I know they did the best they could, but at the same time there are things I feel I didn't get to enjoy and experience in childhood. Now with life being the way it is, it’s hard for me to begin to ask God to work in these areas. The weight of responsibility is heavy, and in some ways I feel like the guy I mentioned yesterday, "How do I fit this in to life?"
But this is essential. Without the affirmation that comes from knowing we are Beloved Sons, the rest of the journey is doomed to fail. "We need God to come for the boy within... He will often arrange for some event to make us feel just as we did when we were boys and our hearts were broken. Feeling again what we felt then or perhaps suddenly a memory surfaces, we have an opportunity not to push it away, or run to the refrigerator, or get angry at someone (however it is we typically handle these emotions). Rather, we invite God to come to the broken place within us, come and find the orphaned boy within and embrace him. We ask the Father to come and heal our broken hearts, rescue the boy and bring him home."
Right now I'm going through a lot of rejection in the career area. I feel trapped in a cycle with no future that forces me to be something I really don't want to be. Doors keep closing and there aren't any windows in this dark hallway. It's a frustrating experience to say the least. There is no time or money to do the things I really love and I'm stuck doing something that sucks the life out of me, barely able to hold onto dreams for the future that seem to be growing dimmer each day. But reading this has challenged me to look at it as a source of healing, as an avenue God is using to show me who I am and more, who I am to Him.
"The Father's healing comes to us in many ways - sometimes quite immediately, through healing prayer, other times over the course of many months as he speaks to our hearts, brings us gifts, opens our awareness of our heart and reawakens memories. Our part is to remain open to the fact that there is often a boy inside that needs a Father's love, to cultivate an awareness of the yearning in our hearts to be prized, and watch for the ways our Father is bringing his love to the young places in our hearts."
God will bring healing, but I think it is as individually unique as the wounds we each bear. Each of our childhood's was different, and so each of us must be fathered differently by God. God will speak to our hearts in ways that we need to hear, ways that are deeply personal, but in order to receive them we must be in relationship with God. We must allow ourselves to be sons of the Father in order to be affirmed as His Beloved Sons.
"Remember - I am suggesting a whole new way of approaching life. No more independent living, no more acting as though everything is up to us. We are seeking a new orientation, where God is our good Father initiating us. In this stage, much of the initiation is a form of healing. I am learning to ask him 'Father, what do you have for me?' and I am learning to wait to hear an answer. Sure, it takes time, and there are successes and failures. Keep an open heart as you seek the Father's love."
God is patient, as a good father is with his young son. He knows it takes time to learn, and even more time to trust after we have been wounded. But the life He is inviting us into, the life He created us to live, is a life of complete trust in Him. Proverbs 3.5-8 is perhaps the most profound section of Scripture, and it is something we must learn to live by if we are to become Men of God. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your body and refreshment to your bones."
"The heart of the boy can be resurrected, and no matter what our age is now, we can know that we are prized, that we have a place in our Father's heart that no one and nothing else can rival. We are his Beloved Sons, and we can begin to experience that in deeply personal ways."
"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
To God alone be the Glory!
Strength and Honor
Friday, August 23, 2013
The Way of the Wild Heart, Chapter 4: Raising the Beloved Son, part 1
"The orphaned boy always feels alone. Men with unhealed souls feel alone even in the company of friends." And it is for this reason that this stage is so crucial. This is where everything begins, and this defines so much of the journey. I was talking with one of my closest friends this week about the masculine journey, and as we talked the importance of this became even clearer to me. We are put on this earth as males in order to become men. The masculine journey is what we are born for. If we are guided and able to do it well God is glorified because we live fully alive. But if something happens and we stumble and don't get back up, if we are led astray, if we are hindered and never complete it, we miss out on everything He has in store for us.
Father's don't hinder the journey of your sons into manhood, help them begin the journey towards become men of God. "We want to raise boys who get to be boys, and who know beyond any shadow of doubt that they are the Beloved Son. But there is another meaning to the title of this chapter. To be raised also means to be resurrected. Brought back from the dead. There are many, many men who never knew the happiness and security of being the Beloved Son, and therefore never really got to be a boy in fullness and freedom. They might be angry... they might be uncertain of themselves; they may have looked to the woman for love, or to another man. They may be overachievers, or dropouts. They are all around, and they still need to know. The boy within needs to be raised from the depths of the soul where he has hidden or been banished so that the man can 'get on with his life.' The boy inside must be raised, and raise to the status of Beloved Son."
We all know the sad reality of that statement. Too many of us have never known that we are the Beloved Son. We were never able to enjoy the wonder and amazement of boyhood, and never received the discipline and correction that comes from the father's love. Without this knowledge the journey cannot continue, and since you cannot lead someone where you have never been, we cannot guide our sons during this stage of their journey. We must allow the Father to bring healing, and to affirm that we are His Beloved Sons.
"Before any man or family or experience in itself - it is God himself who embraces us and tells us we are the Beloved Son. He will bring this to us through words spoken in our hearts, through Scriptures that suddenly take on new meaning, through events that bring to us his delight - we come to see that he is smiling upon us, that he wants to bring us close to his heart."
You are God's Beloved Son, and He wants you to know that. As I have been reading I've been looking at my own life, a lot, thus why some of these posts are so far between. I see areas where I need to hear this message from God, where I need to know that He sees me as His Beloved Son. This knowledge is vital because without it the journey cannot continue.
I was talking with a guy from the couple’s small group my wife and I lead about this the masculine journey last week. He was sharing with me the things he's going through, why he's going through them, and his frustration with all of it. As he talked I kept thinking about these two books, and I asked if he had read them. I began talking with him about the masculine journey and I remember his saying, "I just don't feel like I have the time for it. Work, being a husband, and somehow fitting a masculine journey into that." As he said that I was thinking, "You can't afford not to."
This journey is not an option for us. Without this we can never hope to have life as it was meant to be, and we can never hope to find lasting joy. Remember, this journey is done with God, it is God who is fathering us. As a man to walk with God is to embark upon the masculine journey, because it is the path we were created to walk. We must allow God to father us, and to affirm us as His Beloved Son.
"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
To God alone be the Glory!
Strength and Honor
Father's don't hinder the journey of your sons into manhood, help them begin the journey towards become men of God. "We want to raise boys who get to be boys, and who know beyond any shadow of doubt that they are the Beloved Son. But there is another meaning to the title of this chapter. To be raised also means to be resurrected. Brought back from the dead. There are many, many men who never knew the happiness and security of being the Beloved Son, and therefore never really got to be a boy in fullness and freedom. They might be angry... they might be uncertain of themselves; they may have looked to the woman for love, or to another man. They may be overachievers, or dropouts. They are all around, and they still need to know. The boy within needs to be raised from the depths of the soul where he has hidden or been banished so that the man can 'get on with his life.' The boy inside must be raised, and raise to the status of Beloved Son."
We all know the sad reality of that statement. Too many of us have never known that we are the Beloved Son. We were never able to enjoy the wonder and amazement of boyhood, and never received the discipline and correction that comes from the father's love. Without this knowledge the journey cannot continue, and since you cannot lead someone where you have never been, we cannot guide our sons during this stage of their journey. We must allow the Father to bring healing, and to affirm that we are His Beloved Sons.
"Before any man or family or experience in itself - it is God himself who embraces us and tells us we are the Beloved Son. He will bring this to us through words spoken in our hearts, through Scriptures that suddenly take on new meaning, through events that bring to us his delight - we come to see that he is smiling upon us, that he wants to bring us close to his heart."
You are God's Beloved Son, and He wants you to know that. As I have been reading I've been looking at my own life, a lot, thus why some of these posts are so far between. I see areas where I need to hear this message from God, where I need to know that He sees me as His Beloved Son. This knowledge is vital because without it the journey cannot continue.
I was talking with a guy from the couple’s small group my wife and I lead about this the masculine journey last week. He was sharing with me the things he's going through, why he's going through them, and his frustration with all of it. As he talked I kept thinking about these two books, and I asked if he had read them. I began talking with him about the masculine journey and I remember his saying, "I just don't feel like I have the time for it. Work, being a husband, and somehow fitting a masculine journey into that." As he said that I was thinking, "You can't afford not to."
This journey is not an option for us. Without this we can never hope to have life as it was meant to be, and we can never hope to find lasting joy. Remember, this journey is done with God, it is God who is fathering us. As a man to walk with God is to embark upon the masculine journey, because it is the path we were created to walk. We must allow God to father us, and to affirm us as His Beloved Son.
"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
To God alone be the Glory!
Strength and Honor
Friday, August 9, 2013
The Way of the Wild Heart, Chapter 3: Boyhood, part 3
We were meant to begin life under the protection of our father's strength. In this security we were meant to freely explore and adventure through the early years of life. Make believe battles, surprises that speak to our hearts, and the affirmation that we are truly loved and deeply prized. That was the intent, but sadly it's far from reality for many.
"The crucial thing about the stage of Beloved Son - any of the stages, for that matter - is that it not be cut short, assaulted, unfinished, stolen in any way. We were designed to experience belovedness and boyhood, soak in it for years, learn lessons, have them written indelibly upon our hearts, and then pass through this stage to the next, carrying all its treasures with us. We were meant to move on with the help of our fathers, into the next stage of masculine initiation... Far more often than not this stage is stolen."
Many boys are forced to grow up too fast. I shared that scene from The Patriot in an earlier post. For some it happens when dad leaves, or checks out. We've talked a lot about wounds, and I'm sure we will talk a lot more about them, but sadly boyhood, the time that is supposed to be full of affirmation often brings the deepest wounds that we ever receive. It is because of the wounds given here that we deal with so many issues later in life.
"A boy's heart is wounded in many ways. He is wounded when he does not live in a world made safe by his father, when he is not free to explore and dare and simply be a boy, when he is forced to grow up too soon. He is wounded when he does have that world, but it ends with a sudden loss of innocence. And most especially, a boy is wounded to the core when he does not know that he is the Beloved Son."
Each of our stories is different; each of our wounds is unique. But all of them come from the same source. "Whatever the details of the story might be, the boy is robbed of his father and of the deep and fundamental blessing that he is the Beloved Son. It is the evil one's first and most devastating blow against the soul of a man." We were made to be dangerous and powerful men of God. We were created to be warriors of righteousness who stand firm against Satan. The enemy knows this, and so he works quickly to take us out before we can become a threat to him. He works to deliver a crippling blow when we are young so that we cannot grow into the men we need to be.
For me, reading this chapter was a bit difficult. Things I read really made me question a lot of things and the Father, and my position as His beloved son. The last few years have been rough and full of disappointments. A few weeks ago my wife and I were driving and I remember saying to her, "Part of me is just like, 'God haven't I trusted enough? Haven't I shown that I am fully reliant upon you?' and there is still more and more that keeps coming." For a while earlier this week I was mad at God, I felt like He had let me down, in some ways I still do, and this is exactly how the enemy wants me to feel. "This is the enemy's one central purpose - to separate us from the Father."
In James it says that we are to submit ourselves to God. The next sentence says that we are to resist the devil and he will flee. But he only flees when we are submitted to God. He flees because of God, not us. If he can separate us from the Father by convincing us that we don't matter to Him, then there is no one to make him flee. That's just the way he wants it, and so he works to wound us deeply and separate us from God.
But God loves us too much to leave us there. He knows we are wounded, and He knows that we need healing so our initiation can commence. "God will come like a loving Father, and take us close to his heart. He will also take us back to heal the wounds, finish things that didn't get finished. He will come for the boy, no matter how old he might now be, and make him his Beloved Son."
The chapters of this book end with a prayer, for this chapter I have two questions highlighted, "Do I believe it even now?" and "Do I believe you want good things for me?" Right now those are the two biggest things on my heart and mind. Do I really believe that I am God's Beloved Son? What makes me believe or not believe it? Do I believe that God wants good things for me? For the past year or so I have questioned that a lot. Numerous doors have closed and I have been left very much alone with questions no one can answer but God, and He seems to be very silent. This knowledge is crucial, because it is the foundational identity for the journey. Hopefully, along the way I come to know the truth of this deeply.
"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
To God alone be the Glory!
Strength and Honor
"The crucial thing about the stage of Beloved Son - any of the stages, for that matter - is that it not be cut short, assaulted, unfinished, stolen in any way. We were designed to experience belovedness and boyhood, soak in it for years, learn lessons, have them written indelibly upon our hearts, and then pass through this stage to the next, carrying all its treasures with us. We were meant to move on with the help of our fathers, into the next stage of masculine initiation... Far more often than not this stage is stolen."
Many boys are forced to grow up too fast. I shared that scene from The Patriot in an earlier post. For some it happens when dad leaves, or checks out. We've talked a lot about wounds, and I'm sure we will talk a lot more about them, but sadly boyhood, the time that is supposed to be full of affirmation often brings the deepest wounds that we ever receive. It is because of the wounds given here that we deal with so many issues later in life.
"A boy's heart is wounded in many ways. He is wounded when he does not live in a world made safe by his father, when he is not free to explore and dare and simply be a boy, when he is forced to grow up too soon. He is wounded when he does have that world, but it ends with a sudden loss of innocence. And most especially, a boy is wounded to the core when he does not know that he is the Beloved Son."
Each of our stories is different; each of our wounds is unique. But all of them come from the same source. "Whatever the details of the story might be, the boy is robbed of his father and of the deep and fundamental blessing that he is the Beloved Son. It is the evil one's first and most devastating blow against the soul of a man." We were made to be dangerous and powerful men of God. We were created to be warriors of righteousness who stand firm against Satan. The enemy knows this, and so he works quickly to take us out before we can become a threat to him. He works to deliver a crippling blow when we are young so that we cannot grow into the men we need to be.
For me, reading this chapter was a bit difficult. Things I read really made me question a lot of things and the Father, and my position as His beloved son. The last few years have been rough and full of disappointments. A few weeks ago my wife and I were driving and I remember saying to her, "Part of me is just like, 'God haven't I trusted enough? Haven't I shown that I am fully reliant upon you?' and there is still more and more that keeps coming." For a while earlier this week I was mad at God, I felt like He had let me down, in some ways I still do, and this is exactly how the enemy wants me to feel. "This is the enemy's one central purpose - to separate us from the Father."
In James it says that we are to submit ourselves to God. The next sentence says that we are to resist the devil and he will flee. But he only flees when we are submitted to God. He flees because of God, not us. If he can separate us from the Father by convincing us that we don't matter to Him, then there is no one to make him flee. That's just the way he wants it, and so he works to wound us deeply and separate us from God.
But God loves us too much to leave us there. He knows we are wounded, and He knows that we need healing so our initiation can commence. "God will come like a loving Father, and take us close to his heart. He will also take us back to heal the wounds, finish things that didn't get finished. He will come for the boy, no matter how old he might now be, and make him his Beloved Son."
The chapters of this book end with a prayer, for this chapter I have two questions highlighted, "Do I believe it even now?" and "Do I believe you want good things for me?" Right now those are the two biggest things on my heart and mind. Do I really believe that I am God's Beloved Son? What makes me believe or not believe it? Do I believe that God wants good things for me? For the past year or so I have questioned that a lot. Numerous doors have closed and I have been left very much alone with questions no one can answer but God, and He seems to be very silent. This knowledge is crucial, because it is the foundational identity for the journey. Hopefully, along the way I come to know the truth of this deeply.
"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
To God alone be the Glory!
Strength and Honor
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
The Way of the Wild Heart, Chapter 3: Boyhood, part 2
Security provided by a father's strength is essential to boyhood, because it is a time of adventure and battle, "This is what the heart of a boy longs for - daring adventures, battles, uncharted territory to be discovered." Growing up I had a toy rifle that went everywhere with me. Somewhere between kindergarten and second grade I got a bow and arrow for Christmas, and eventually the toy got traded in for a BB gun. I had a fort in the backyard, and I was ready for an attack at all times.
My cousins and I would always turn something into a weapon. I remember getting in trouble with my aunt once because we were pretending a toy drill was a hand gun. Boys can, and will, turn anything into a weapon. The other day I cut a young maple tree into a walking stick. As I was looking at it I noticed a bump about ten inches down the shaft, thinking that's a nice length for a handle, and then I turned it over and was holding, and swinging, it like a two handed broad sword. Anything can become a weapon, it just takes some imagination, and boys have just such an imagination, "Which reminds us that the boy is also a warrior, and all those games he plays and battles he imagines are preparation for the day he enters the stage of the Warrior in its fullness."
"A boy wants to be powerful. That's what's behind the superhero thing. To be powerful, and dangerous, a force to be reckoned with - that is the heart of the Warrior emerging." Boys need the father's strength to allow this, to test theirs against, but more importantly to see how to use theirs. This time of boyhood and the warrior at play, is just preparation for the future. He is training and learning skills that he will need, maybe one day to literally save lives, under the watchful eye of a loving father. He is able to adventure because the father is there watching over him. He can take risks because the father is there to rescue him if needed. The security of the father's strength is essential.
Boyhood is also a time of surprises, of gifts from his father that show his love for him. I am not saying to spoil your son, that will do him no good. But you must show him that you delight in him. The bow and arrow was a great gift, as was the Barlow pocket knife I got on another occasion. Once my dad let me have an ax. We were watching home movies a while ago and my sister was like "Why would you give an 8 year old an ax?!" Gifts like this are important, they don't have to be big expensive things, the ax was lying around in the shed, they just need to be things that speak to the heart of your son. "This, too, lays a foundation in the heart of the boy, for he comes to learn that life is not something you have to arrange for. There is someone who cares, someone who wants to give you good gifts."
I believe he talks about this in the book, but he shares the verse about giving good gifts to your children and our Father in Heaven giving good gifts to us. We see the desire of God to bless us in the actions of our fathers. In their generosity we see the generosity of God, and in them knowing our hearts and giving gifts that speak to our hearts, we see that God too cares about who we really are. God gave us our passions, and He wants us to live them out.
"Its experiences like these that speak to the heart of a boy. You are noticed. Your heart matters. Your father adores you. For we must remember that above all else, boyhood is the time of Affirmation, the time when a boy comes to learn and learn deeply that he is the Beloved Son... "Do I have what it takes? is a core question to be sure, and I still hold that it is the vital question of the masculine journey. But there is a deeper and prior need, one that comes first - in this stage - and one that must be met first, or the boy cannot move with confidence into any of the other stages. A boy yearns to know that he is prized... He yearns to know he is adored. Uniquely. That he holds a special place in his father's heart, a place no one and nothing else can rival. Without this certainty down in the core of his being, the boy will misinterpret the stages and lessons that are to come, for as a young man (Cowboy) he will soon be tested, and he will face battle sand challenges as a Warrior, and those tests and challenges often feel to men like a form of rejection or cold-heartedness on the part of God, because he does not first know in his heart of hearts that he is the Beloved Son."
This is where the journey begins, and it is crucial that it starts on the right foot. A boy must know that he is loved by his father if he is to grow into a man. If he has this heart knowledge, he can move on with confidence. "Without this bedrock of affirmation, this core of assurance, a man will move unsteadily through the rest of his life, trying to prove his worth and earn belovedness through performance or achievement, through sex, or in a thousand other ways."
This is how we were meant to begin life, but for many of us, sadly, this is not the experience we remember.
"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
To God alone be the Glory!
Strength and Honor
My cousins and I would always turn something into a weapon. I remember getting in trouble with my aunt once because we were pretending a toy drill was a hand gun. Boys can, and will, turn anything into a weapon. The other day I cut a young maple tree into a walking stick. As I was looking at it I noticed a bump about ten inches down the shaft, thinking that's a nice length for a handle, and then I turned it over and was holding, and swinging, it like a two handed broad sword. Anything can become a weapon, it just takes some imagination, and boys have just such an imagination, "Which reminds us that the boy is also a warrior, and all those games he plays and battles he imagines are preparation for the day he enters the stage of the Warrior in its fullness."
"A boy wants to be powerful. That's what's behind the superhero thing. To be powerful, and dangerous, a force to be reckoned with - that is the heart of the Warrior emerging." Boys need the father's strength to allow this, to test theirs against, but more importantly to see how to use theirs. This time of boyhood and the warrior at play, is just preparation for the future. He is training and learning skills that he will need, maybe one day to literally save lives, under the watchful eye of a loving father. He is able to adventure because the father is there watching over him. He can take risks because the father is there to rescue him if needed. The security of the father's strength is essential.
Boyhood is also a time of surprises, of gifts from his father that show his love for him. I am not saying to spoil your son, that will do him no good. But you must show him that you delight in him. The bow and arrow was a great gift, as was the Barlow pocket knife I got on another occasion. Once my dad let me have an ax. We were watching home movies a while ago and my sister was like "Why would you give an 8 year old an ax?!" Gifts like this are important, they don't have to be big expensive things, the ax was lying around in the shed, they just need to be things that speak to the heart of your son. "This, too, lays a foundation in the heart of the boy, for he comes to learn that life is not something you have to arrange for. There is someone who cares, someone who wants to give you good gifts."
I believe he talks about this in the book, but he shares the verse about giving good gifts to your children and our Father in Heaven giving good gifts to us. We see the desire of God to bless us in the actions of our fathers. In their generosity we see the generosity of God, and in them knowing our hearts and giving gifts that speak to our hearts, we see that God too cares about who we really are. God gave us our passions, and He wants us to live them out.
"Its experiences like these that speak to the heart of a boy. You are noticed. Your heart matters. Your father adores you. For we must remember that above all else, boyhood is the time of Affirmation, the time when a boy comes to learn and learn deeply that he is the Beloved Son... "Do I have what it takes? is a core question to be sure, and I still hold that it is the vital question of the masculine journey. But there is a deeper and prior need, one that comes first - in this stage - and one that must be met first, or the boy cannot move with confidence into any of the other stages. A boy yearns to know that he is prized... He yearns to know he is adored. Uniquely. That he holds a special place in his father's heart, a place no one and nothing else can rival. Without this certainty down in the core of his being, the boy will misinterpret the stages and lessons that are to come, for as a young man (Cowboy) he will soon be tested, and he will face battle sand challenges as a Warrior, and those tests and challenges often feel to men like a form of rejection or cold-heartedness on the part of God, because he does not first know in his heart of hearts that he is the Beloved Son."
This is where the journey begins, and it is crucial that it starts on the right foot. A boy must know that he is loved by his father if he is to grow into a man. If he has this heart knowledge, he can move on with confidence. "Without this bedrock of affirmation, this core of assurance, a man will move unsteadily through the rest of his life, trying to prove his worth and earn belovedness through performance or achievement, through sex, or in a thousand other ways."
This is how we were meant to begin life, but for many of us, sadly, this is not the experience we remember.
"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
To God alone be the Glory!
Strength and Honor
Monday, August 5, 2013
The Way of the Wild Heart, Chapter 3: Boyhood, part 1
"We begin our journey into sonship by looking backward, to what our lives as boys were like, and, more important, what they were meant to be. For so much of the way we now approach life as men was set in motion in our youth - some of it for good, and some not so good. We want to recover what was good, and find healing for all that was not. Boyhood is a time of exploration and wonder, and to be a boy is to be an explorer, from the time when the little guy figures out how to crawl up the stairs (he is gone in a flash), to the time he discovers that if he jumps over the back fence he can get down to Jimmy's house, where they have a secret fort. When God set Adam in the Garden of Eden, he set his son in a world that was, at the very same moment, safe and secure yet full of mystery and adventure. There was no reason whatsoever to be afraid, and every reason to dare... Evil is - for now - held at bay. Such is the world God intended for the boy. And that world is created under the sheltering strength of a father who makes you feel safe. For this is the time in life when we were meant to come into the knowledge that we are the Beloved Son, the apple of our father's eye."
I don't play a lot of video games. Growing up my dad said there would never be a Nintendo in his house and that I should go play outside. I loved going to my cousin's house because they had one. Eventually my little brother and I got one, and when my wife and I got married we decided to spend gift cards we had gotten from the wedding on a Wii. Again, I don't play that much, but there is one game I absolutely love, and here you get see part of my geek side (which really isn't all that big). My favorite video game is called "Aragorn's Quest" and it follows the story of the Lord of the Ring's movies. It's the only Lord of the Ring's game available for Wii. But my favorite part of the game isn't the aspects of the movie story.
A large chunk of it, and the part that I love most, is the story behind the story. In between levels of the game you play as a young hobbit child, Frodo Gamgee, the son of Samwise, and as this character you are free to run around and explore the Shire. I could spend, (and sadly probably have) hours playing this part of the game. Something about it connects with me, and this desire of being the beloved son. My heart longs for a place like the Shire, a place of serenity and peace. A place to work and explore, and just enjoy the fellowship of close friends. It's pretty much an Eden. I have spent hours working on the layout of a dream for the future, a piece of land, my own little Shire, where I can enjoy that peace and work, where my children can grow up and explore.
Boyhood was meant to be like that, a time of no worries, just exploration and adventures. A time of figuring out and learning. A time of wonder and amazement at creation and the Creator. It is a time to learn that we are prized by our father's, and in that by our Father. It is a time of knowing that you are safe and protected, not simply from harm, but from worry. In college I was involved with a ministry in a local elementary school. One day one of the kids, a first or second grader, told me they were under a lot of stress. My mind was immediately thinking, "You shouldn't even know that word." This stage of life I believe is meant to be the closest we get to Eden on this earth. But it is only that when if there is a strong father to make it so.
"Safe in your father's arms - that is what it feels like to be the Beloved Son." I'm a bigger guy, not fat, but athletically built. My wife is a petite lady, and I love it. When I hug her I can fully envelope her with my arms and broad shoulders. If something happened where I had to shield her with my body to keep her safe I would be able to. And when we have young children, I'll be able to do the same with them. Whenever they are being hugged by their daddy they will know that they are safe. Whenever dad is around they will know that nothing can harm them, that dad won't let anyone touch them, and that dad will always be there to keep them safe.
"The saftey that a father's strength provides allows a boy to be a boy, creates the universe for a boy's heart to come fully alive... When a boy has this confidence, this security and safety created by masculine strength over him, the whole world opens before him. He is able to live as a boy - an explorer and adventurer."
This is where the journey begins, safe and secure in the strong and powerful arms of a loving father. Without this security the journey cannot take place. There is a song I heard late in high school as I was preparing to head off to college. As with any big transition in life there are mixed emotions. Fear and excitement, panic and joy. But this song really spoke to me and this need to be the Beloved Son of God.
Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears
They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child
Unafraid because His armor is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet
They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
the warrior is a child
They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and look up for a smile
'Cause deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
The Warrior is a Child
No matter how strong, or how old a man gets, there are always times when he needs to be picked up and protected by his daddy. The Beloved Son knows his father's strength, love, and protection, and knows at all times, that the Father will be there.
"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
To God alone be the Glory!
Strength and Honor
I don't play a lot of video games. Growing up my dad said there would never be a Nintendo in his house and that I should go play outside. I loved going to my cousin's house because they had one. Eventually my little brother and I got one, and when my wife and I got married we decided to spend gift cards we had gotten from the wedding on a Wii. Again, I don't play that much, but there is one game I absolutely love, and here you get see part of my geek side (which really isn't all that big). My favorite video game is called "Aragorn's Quest" and it follows the story of the Lord of the Ring's movies. It's the only Lord of the Ring's game available for Wii. But my favorite part of the game isn't the aspects of the movie story.
A large chunk of it, and the part that I love most, is the story behind the story. In between levels of the game you play as a young hobbit child, Frodo Gamgee, the son of Samwise, and as this character you are free to run around and explore the Shire. I could spend, (and sadly probably have) hours playing this part of the game. Something about it connects with me, and this desire of being the beloved son. My heart longs for a place like the Shire, a place of serenity and peace. A place to work and explore, and just enjoy the fellowship of close friends. It's pretty much an Eden. I have spent hours working on the layout of a dream for the future, a piece of land, my own little Shire, where I can enjoy that peace and work, where my children can grow up and explore.
Boyhood was meant to be like that, a time of no worries, just exploration and adventures. A time of figuring out and learning. A time of wonder and amazement at creation and the Creator. It is a time to learn that we are prized by our father's, and in that by our Father. It is a time of knowing that you are safe and protected, not simply from harm, but from worry. In college I was involved with a ministry in a local elementary school. One day one of the kids, a first or second grader, told me they were under a lot of stress. My mind was immediately thinking, "You shouldn't even know that word." This stage of life I believe is meant to be the closest we get to Eden on this earth. But it is only that when if there is a strong father to make it so.
"Safe in your father's arms - that is what it feels like to be the Beloved Son." I'm a bigger guy, not fat, but athletically built. My wife is a petite lady, and I love it. When I hug her I can fully envelope her with my arms and broad shoulders. If something happened where I had to shield her with my body to keep her safe I would be able to. And when we have young children, I'll be able to do the same with them. Whenever they are being hugged by their daddy they will know that they are safe. Whenever dad is around they will know that nothing can harm them, that dad won't let anyone touch them, and that dad will always be there to keep them safe.
"The saftey that a father's strength provides allows a boy to be a boy, creates the universe for a boy's heart to come fully alive... When a boy has this confidence, this security and safety created by masculine strength over him, the whole world opens before him. He is able to live as a boy - an explorer and adventurer."
This is where the journey begins, safe and secure in the strong and powerful arms of a loving father. Without this security the journey cannot take place. There is a song I heard late in high school as I was preparing to head off to college. As with any big transition in life there are mixed emotions. Fear and excitement, panic and joy. But this song really spoke to me and this need to be the Beloved Son of God.
Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears
They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child
Unafraid because His armor is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet
They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
the warrior is a child
They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and look up for a smile
'Cause deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
The Warrior is a Child
No matter how strong, or how old a man gets, there are always times when he needs to be picked up and protected by his daddy. The Beloved Son knows his father's strength, love, and protection, and knows at all times, that the Father will be there.
"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
To God alone be the Glory!
Strength and Honor
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)