"If I were to sketch out for you the masculine journey in broad strokes, I believe this is how it unfolds, or better how it was meant to unfold: Boyhood to Cowboy to Warrior to Lover to King to Sage. All in the course of about eighty years or so, give or take a decade or two."
That is what the masculine life is supposed to look like. Each one of these will be discussed in greater detail in coming chapters and posts, but to start we need a glimpse of where we are headed. Remember this book acts like a map. We get to see the big landmarks on paper, and the details of each come when we get to them in person.
But before that it is important to know that "one cannot pin an exact age to each stage. They overlap, and there are aspects of each stage in every other. Watch a boy for an afternoon, and you'll see the Warrior, the Cowboy, the King. Yet he is a boy, and it is as a boy he must live during those years. Great damage is done if we ask a boy to become a King too soon, as is the case when a father abandons his family, walking out the door with the parting words, 'You're the man of the house now.'... He has not yet been a Warrior, nor a Lover, and he is in no way ready to become a King."
A few months ago I was watching The Patriot with my wife and I thought about that line. Mel Gibson plays Benjamin Martin, a plantation owner in South Carolina during the American Revolution. His oldest son, Gabriel, joins the continental army and is later captured by the British. Benjamin is a warrior, but has tried to run from his past because he is ashamed of his actions in a previous battle. But in order to save his son he must take up his weapons and fight again.
He takes two of his younger sons, one in his early teens, the other probably around nine, and instructs them on the order of their targets. The older son is ready for battle, knowing he has a job to do, but in the face of the younger son we see fear. As he takes aim he is fighting back tears. He is still the beloved son, and is not ready to become a warrior yet.
And it is because of his father's refusal to play his part that he is forced into this stage too soon. You see as Gabriel was being tied up to be led off the second son, Thomas, tried to free him. He saw that his father was not acting, and took matters into his own hands. The eager young warrior had no king to lead and guide him and so he rushed into battle, only to be shot and killed.
When fathers fail, boys either are forced into roles they are not ready for, or they end up dead. Sometimes it's both. Boys must be guided because "there is a path that must be taken. There is a Way. Not a formula. A Way. Each stage has its lessons to be learned, and each stage can be wounded, cut short, leaving the growing man with an undeveloped soul. Then we wonder why he folds suddenly when he is forty-five." The midlife crisis is the result of an unfinished man. A man who was forced to grow up too fast, and never given the chance to take the journey he was created for.
This journey begins with "Boyhood, a time of wonder and exploration... it is the time of being the Beloved Son... A time of affirmation... Before and beneath that Question [Do I have what it takes?] and a man's search for validation lies a deeper need - to know that he is prized, delighted in, that he is the Beloved Son. Our need for a father's love."
This is where the journey must begin. Without this the boy moves on with uncertainty and no identity to fall back on. He will look for love in the wrong places and come up short and empty every time, wondering why he isn't enough. His life must begin with the delight of his father, not in a way that pampers and spoils him, because if that happens he will be soft, weak, and selfish, but in a way that affirms his strength and destiny.
"The Cowboy stage comes next, the period of adolescence, and it runs into the late teens to early twenties. It is a time of learning the lessons of the field, a time of great adventures and testing, and also a time for hard work... A time of daring and danger, a time of learning that he does, indeed, have what it takes."
This is where parents must begin to let go. They have to start letting their sons have some freedom. If they don't then the boys question goes unanswered, or answered with a no, and he is crippled. He must be allowed to make mistakes, and be taught from them. He must be given chances to work, to see that it is good, and that life does involve responsibilities. But at the same time he must be taught that life is not all about work, that we were created for adventure. If this stage is not handled correctly then the boy cannot move on, he will be picked off almost instantly.
"Some time in his late teens there emerges the young Warrior, and this phase lasts well into his thirties. Again, the stages overlap... Whether six or sixty, a man will always be a Warrior, for he bears the image of a warrior God... The Warrior gets a cause and, hopefully, a king... He encounters evil face-to-face, and learns to defeat it. The young warrior learns the rigors of discipline - especially that inner discipline and resolution of spirit you see in Jesus... That he gets a mission is crucial, and that he learns to battle the kingdom of darkness is even more crucial. Passivity and masculinity are mutually exclusive, fundamentally at odds with one another. To be a man he must learn to live with courage, take action, go into battle
In the Cowboy stage he learned he had strength and it grew, here as a Warrior he learns to use it properly. For that to happen he needs a king to train him. If his father is absent, or refuses to play his part, another man must step in and mentor the young warrior. He must be taught to use his strength, and to control it when necessary. He must be taught who the enemy is and how to engage him. He must see what his strength is capable of, and realize that he is a force for good. And only then is he ready to move on. If he never learns to be a warrior, he cannot proceed on the journey because the way is fierce.
"This is typically the time when he also become a Lover, though it would be best for him and for her if he lived as a Warrior for some time first... too many young men do not get their Question answered as a young Cowboy, and as an uncertain warrior they have no mission to their lives. They end up taking all that to the woman, hoping in her to find validation and a reason for living... A Lover comes to offer his strength to a woman, not to get it from her. But the time of the Lover is not foremost about the woman. It is the time when a young man discover the Way of the Heart - that poetry and passion are far more closer to the Truth than are mere reason and proposition. He awakens to beauty, to life... Service for God is overshadowed by intimacy with God."
This stage is about offering himself and all that he has. If he has not come through the other stages he has nothing to offer, and selfishly takes for himself. If he hasn't discovered his strength and learned how to use it properly, he cannot offer it to a woman, or delight in her, or the children that result from their union, which leads to the destructive cycle all over again. If he has not learned to serve God then he can never have an intimacy with Him.
But as a Warrior becomes a Lover he becomes aware of the beauty of life. He begins to see what he has fought for, who he has served, and his life becomes focused on the who, not the what. He finds his wife, and more importantly, he connects deeply with God. Note that this is not the first time he is aware of God. As a beloved son, his father must teach him about God, and set his feet on the paths of righteousness. As the cowboy he learns more about God and what He expects for his life. As a warrior his faith becomes his own, and he sets out in service, following his calling. And now as a lover, more mature and able to understand more clearly, God revels deep and beautiful things about Himself. He begins to know God personally and lives to know God more.
"Then - and only then - is he ready to become a King, ready to rule a kingdom. The crisis of leadership in our churches, businesses, and governments is largely due to this one dilemma: men have been given power, but they are unprepared to handle it. The time of ruling is a tremendous test of character, for the king will be sorely tested to use his influence in humility, for the benefit of others... A true King comes into authority and knows that the privilege is not so he can now arrange for his comfort... this is the time of ruling over a kingdom. Hopefully, he draws around him a company of young warrior, for he is now a father to younger men."
Only a man who has learned how to use his strength in the service of others, learned to give of himself, and learned to connect intimately with God is fit to rule. A selfish, pampered boy in a man's body has no business in a position of authority. This type of individual is in power simply for his own benefit and gain. But a real man, a man who is fit to be King, knows how to lead, how to fight, and how to work. He will use his power and influence for the good of all, and will sacrifice his own desires for his people.
It is crucial for a King to lead Warriors. It is at this point in the masculine journey that a man begins to train those at stages behind him. He will have his own son to delight in, he will have Cowboys and Warriors to mentor, he will have those in the Lover phase to guide. In order to do that he must have gone through the stages himself. A King must be a true man if he is to do any good, and in order to do good, he must know how to connect with God.
"Finally, we have the Sage, the gray-haired father with a wealth of knowledge and experience, whose mission now is to counsel others. His kingdom may shrink... But his influence ought to increase. This is not the time to pack off to Phoenix or Leisure World - the kingdom needs him now as an elder at the gates... His time is spent mentoring younger men, especially Kings... At a time in life when most men feel their time has passed, this could be the period of their greatest contribution."
This is a life long journey that doesn't end until we return to the dust from which we came. Retirement, stepping down from the throne, does not mean we are done. As long as we are still breathing, we still have an essential role to play. The Sage has lived life, he has gone through all of these stages, and he is full of wisdom that must be passed on. The responsibilities of leading the kingdom have been passed to another, and now he is free to fully invest in younger men.
It is crucial that we finish strong. It is possible to wrestle hard the entire match and lose because you let up in the final ten seconds. Men, it is crucial that we resolve to live to the fullest right up to the end. Our job is never done, it changes, but it is never done.
These are the stages we must go through, "and they all come together to make a whole and holy man." Without one of them everything falls apart. And so let us journey together, no matter what stage you are in, let us press on, wrestle hard, and finish well.
"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
To God alone be the Glory!
Strength and Honor
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