So I haven't written in months. There are several reasons, one was I got behind. Grad school last spring and summer was busy, really busy. I missed a few days and never got caught up. Two, it felt very obligatory, this wasn't giving me any joy or fulfillment, and it began to feel like a self-driven act. It became drudgery, and sucked the life out of me. The posts I was writing felt very shallow. Third, and most important, is life. I'm not going into detail just yet, that will come at some point later, but I was not in a place to be "preaching" the word.
Over the past month or so I've felt that it's been time to start writing again. I've been hesitant to do this, but after some guidance from a mentor, encouraging me to begin ministering again, and the encouragement from some of my closest friends, I feel that it's time. Earlier this week one of my brothers called me and shared some things he has been battling, in that conversation I was able to pour into him, and it was so energizing. I feel like that has been something missing from my life, and so I feel like it is time to begin the blog again.
In the past few months I have been through things I never thought I would go through. For the first time in my life I feel like I can relate to real suffering and hardship. I have experienced God's work in my life in a way that I have desperately needed for years. I have come to own truths that I have needed my entire life, and I have begun to understand more of what God wants for my life.
I have seen the results of pride, brokenness, and sin in ways that have beaten me up. I honestly don't know that I have ever been more exhausted and worn out than I have been. I have seen what it is to do real battle with the enemy, and I've seen the power of God bring victory in ways I never knew. I have struggled with hope, battled despair and discouragement, and wondered if God even cares at all. I have known heartbreak and suffering that I pray no one else ever has to experience.
I've seen how I've hurt others, and how much division refusing to offer forgiveness brings. I'm learning how real the enemy is, and how powerful, and I'm learning that victory is only found in God. I've learned that my own strength is worthless and accomplishes nothing. I've seen that the only thing I do in spiritual warfare is call on God and watch as He takes care of the enemy. So much of what I have thought over the past several years has been shaken. God is at work in me, helping me to more clearly understand who He is, and who I am by comparison. It's humbling to say the least.
I think the central thing that I have been hit with is God. I feel so much of my life has been about what I think I need to do for Him. It has been about what I think He wants, and how I think He needs me to be available. I'm learning that He doesn't need me. I'm learning that this life has never been about me, at all. I'm learning, or rather re-realizing, that all of this is about God. This is not about Him solving my problems or meeting my needs, it is about Him being glorified and me learning more about who He is. The point is not to get what I think I need from God, but to come to know Him for who He is.
I have made a lot of mistakes. I've been afraid to let people know how I struggle. I've felt for years that people have this image of who I am, and that I can't let them down. I've put on an act, trying to be who I feel everyone thinks I am, and it honestly almost destroyed me. My life has felt like a plane crash. There are survivors and I'm trying to organize everything and take care of everyone. The issue is I have a gash in my left arm that is bleeding heavily. I've covered it up, not feeling like anyone has time to worry about me, and tried to fix everyone else's issues, taking care of them. The problem is, I'm bleeding out.
I've experienced ministry failure, and have almost destroyed my marriage because I wouldn't let anyone look at the wound. I've felt that I can't be a burden to anyone because it's my job to take care of them. That's how I've lived for almost a decade, and it hasn't worked. I've taken weight on myself that has never been mine to carry. Because of this I've put pressure on others that has never been theirs.
My hope in writing again is to point others back to God, and in the process, personally come to know Him more. My prayer is that by coming to know Him, He will bring full healing and restoration to every area of my life.
I will ask for your prayers. God has been doing so much in my life over the past several months, but there is still so much I am waiting on Him to do. I have learned so much about who I am in Him, and the truth that He speaks into my life, but there is still so much to hear and learn.
"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
To God alone be the Glory!
Strength and Honor
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