"The heart of the Lover never gets to awaken or develop in a man so long as he rejects the heart, chooses to remain in the world or analysis, dissection, and 'reason is everything.' The Lover is wounded in a man (often starting in his youth) when he looks to the woman for that primary love and validation his father was meant to bestow. It is often wounded deeply through the breakup of a young love affair. And it is wounded when he has a sexual encounter far too soon."
No stage is without its wounds, and as we saw in the last post, perhaps the greatest pain can be known here. When a man looks for validation from a woman that was never given to him by his father, there is wounding. When a man is focused more on the love of a woman than the love of God, there is wounding. And when a man engages in sexual intimacy, without the covenant of marriage, there is wounding. I think all three of these are caused by, and therefore can be softened, by a good, godly, father.
If a father treats his son as a Beloved Son, he has that validation and answer to his question. He has an identity that he can take into a relationship as a foundation. If a father has taught his son to love and serve God as a Cowboy, his Warriors heart will be focused on developing deep intimacy with God as he becomes a Lover. And when there is heartbreak, it will be seen from the eyes of "This just wasn't God's will." And if he has developed the heart of a Warrior, and a passion for living for God's truth and holiness, he will value and respect the standard of righteous sexuality.
"There are many reasons a man shies away from the world of the heart and from his own heart. It might be that he is shamed when he tries to go there by a father who thinks that art, creativity, and beauty 'are girl's stuff.' Thus, to him, the heart is a source of pain and embarrassment. He thinks a man cannot be a true man and live from the heart. It may be that he has simply never been invited to know his own heart."
How often are boys told to suck it up and not cry? From very young they are taught to show no emotion, because emotion is a sign of weakness. How often is a boy encouraged to follow his dreams? Or is he given a path that he needs to follow so his dad can live vicariously? Or is responsibility forced on him to the point where passion is buried and forgotten? We must teach our sons to be warrior poets. They must be encouraged to explore the arts, and above all, pursue what they are most passionate about. If they live from a heart of passion, they will be fully alive, and have so much to offer.
"No woman can satisfy this longing in a man's heart, and no good woman wants to try. When he makes her the center of his universe, it feels romantic for a while, but then the planets start to collide. It's not a big enough romance. He will find his heart awakening again when he opens his heart to God, and through he might have to journey there for a season, he'll find he has something to offer his woman again."
This stage is primarily about God, but so many have a misplaced focus. The best times of my marriage have been the times I have been closest to God. Those are the times I've had so much to offer my wife, so much love and affection. The more love I receive from God, the more I have to give to her. And the more I learn about how God loves me, and how to love Him, the more I know how to love my wife. The more I invest in God, the more I have to offer my wife.
"Finally, there are those of us who had sexual experiences before our wedding nights, and I've never met a man for whom the fruit of that was good."
I am blessed to not fall into that category. Sex is something incredible that God has given us. In the act of sex you have a man and a woman coming together as one, and working to create life. There is tremendous power there, and I know it's become cliché but, "With great power, comes great responsibility." In marriage, the two halves of God's heart, man and woman, come together and become one, physically, through sexual intimacy. Without the covenant of marriage the image is shattered and corrupted. And the intimacy between husband and wife is lost because it has been shared with others. God gave us a tremendous gift, which when exercised correctly, is an act of worship.
"Many men who would come alive as a Lover feel stuck, their hearts pinned down long ago through some heartbreak. So it would be good to pray: Father, God, awaken the Lover in me. Stir my heart. Romance me... Show me where I have chosen safety over and against coming alive. Show me where deep repentance needs to take place. Heal the Lover heart in me. Awaken me."
"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
To God alone be the Glory!
Strength and Honor
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