The Way of the Wild Heart, Chapter 14: Sage, part 4

Once again we must look at the wounds a man takes, even in this final stage; for no one, not even the Sage with all of his wisdom, is immune from wounds. And at the same time we must be intentional about developing the heart of the Sage throughout our lives. Again, everything along this journey is leading us to this point. All of the lessons and experiences of this journey culminate in the Sage, and it is from these that he offers wisdom and guidance to others. If we desire to finish well, we must be intentional about developing the heart of the Sage.

"The heart of a Sage goes undeveloped when a man has been a fool for most of his life, either in the form of a refusal to take the journey, or a refusal to take note of the journey he has taken. That man made something other maturity his aim - success, usually meaning pleasure, or safety, meaning the path of least resistance. This is the man who spends his golden years walking his dog or golfing. The fool may have seen many winters, but they do not seem to have had any other effect on him beyond fatigue, or perhaps cynicism. Scripture describes a fool as a man who will not submit to wisdom, a man who refuses to be taught by all that life has to teach him."

It should come as no surprise that if we aren't intentional about the masculine journey, or remain ignorant to it, then when we come to the end we'll be incomplete. It isn't that we won't have things to offer, but it won't be all that it could be. And quite often I believe that they won't be offered with compassion. An undeveloped Sage is frustrated, harsh, and cynical. I would also add selfish to the list. Life is now about them being able to take it easy, and letting the rest of the world figure it out for themselves. Retirement is lived just as the rest of life was. What is in this for me, and how can I make my life easier and more comfortable?

"Sadly, there are many aged fools, as anyone who has spent time in Congress, or the university, or in the bowels of religious bureaucracies knows. Gray hair does not a Sage make. No doubt you have experienced that by now." If we don't wish to join them, then we had better be intentional about this journey while we have the chance. Let us not neglect everything the Father is trying teach us and develop in us. There have been many who haven't fallen here. Many men have taken the journey, but I think part of the reason that initiation has been lost over the last few generations is because we haven't listened to the wisdom of our Sages.

"The heart of the Sage is wounded when he is dismissed as a has been, too old to have anything to offer." How many Sages have tried to offer wisdom over the years and been ignored because the youth have seen them as irrelevant and out dated? How much wisdom has been lost because we have reused to soak it up when it has been freely offered? How many Sages have we wounded with our arrogance and ignorance?

"We need more men around who have lived through yesterday, seen it, and eve if they haven't conquered it, they have learned from it. Young Warriors will sometimes dismiss the older men in their lives because those men no longer year for battle, or simply because they don't come from 'my generation.'" Now let me say something that has come to mind. Not every idea the older generation has is wise and useful. Those who live in the past, and want everything to go back to the way it was are those who haven't taken the journey. They do great damage and prevent a lot of good work from happening because it's different. That isn't what a Sage does. A Sage is wise enough to know that things change over time, and he is there to offer his guidance and lessons learned to young Warriors fighting the same battle in a new way.

It is crucial that the Warriors remember that the Sage has done his part in fighting, and now offers what he is able to, to those who are strong enough to carry the sword into combat. And we must also remember that the Sage may see a way around battle. He's learned that war is a terrible thing, and should be avoided at all costs. If there is a way for diplomacy, he will look for it, and try to resolve it that way. But he also knows that we live in a world of war and that some battles are unavoidable. He offers his wisdom on how to fight. It is crucial that we listen so that we don't needlessly waste time and resources.

"Insecure Kings often dismiss the older men around them, send them into early retirement, threatened because the older men know more than they do. And our culture in the progressive West has dismissed the elderly for years now, because we have worshiped adolescence. Our hears are the young and handsome... We've worshiped adolescences because we don't want to grow up, don't want to pay the price of maturity. That is why we have a world now of uninitiated men. Thus the heart of the Sage is wounded when he is dismissed, or sent into exile, or Scottsdale, which is pretty much the same. No one seems to want what he has to offer, and he comes to believe after a time that it is because he has nothing to offer."

If we would live the journey this wouldn't happen. Kings would not be insecure, and they would know that the Sage no longer desires to rule. The King would gladly accept his guidance, and his help, in initiating others in the kingdom. We must realize that growing older is inevitable, and that with age comes the opportunity for great wisdom. We must stop placing burdens on young shoulders, not ready to bear them, and instead look to the wise and mature for guidance. And we must never make the arrogant mistake of dismissing the wisdom of the Sage. They have so much to offer, but we must be humble enough to realize and accept it. For if we continue to push them away, we will continue in the downward spiral we have fallen into.

"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

To God alone be the Glory!

Strength and Honor

The Way of the Wild Heart, Chapter 12: King, part 4

I think many look at leadership and envy the position. If there is a bad king they envy the life of ease and wealth. I don't know that anyone has ever envied a good king. Many aspire to leadership for the perks, thinking only of them without realizing how much is demanded of a leader. "There is a cost the King pays, unknown and unmatched by any other man." Remember what Jesus said? "Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave" (Matthew 20.26b-27).

Back as a freshman in college I was ready to jump into church leadership, eager even, to the point of arrogance. I was 18 and thought I knew it all. At that point in my life I couldn't fathom the cost that pastor's pay. The Bible even says, "Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly" (James 3.1). But I was following a calling, so I was supposed to do this. After serving in roles as youth, young adult, and lead pastor I understand the cost a little better.

You are constantly watched. Everything you say, do, and don't do, is analyzed and scrutinized. People are waiting for you to mess up and falter, there are some people out there that want you to fail and will do whatever they can to help it along. You'll see your words be twisted and taken out of context. Others who want your position will slander and discredit you. You become a target, a big, bright, glow in the dark, neon one. Does it sound appealing? Who in their right mind wants to volunteer for that?

"I think unless there is this profound reluctance to take the throne, a man does not understand the cost of what is being asked of him. You will be tested. On every conceivable front... You don't want to be a King. Trust me. It is not something to be coveted. Only the ignorant covet a throne... Becoming a king is something we accept only as an act of obedience. The posture of the heart in a mature man is reluctance to take the throne, but willing to do it on behalf of others."

As I read that I thought about Gladiator. The aging emperor is dying, and his son, Commodus, is a selfish, immoral human being. So he turns to his general, Maximus. He asks him if he will take his place, and become emperor when he dies. Maximus' response, "With all my heart, no." The emperor is filled with joy and says, "That is why it must be you." He does not seek power, he does not want it. All he wants is a simple life as a farmer. He has spent years in battle, fighting for the expansion and protection of Rome, but now he must take up leadership to save Rome from itself.

The son becomes aware of the plan, and kills his father because he desires the throne. He's a bad, and wicked, king who seeks only his own benefit. Maximus rises up, again as a Warrior, and really a Lover because his actions are done in service to a good king, fights the battle, defeats the enemy, and brings order, protection, and blessing to Rome. That is a good king. And it is crucial to remember that those who seek the throne for their own glory and advancement, will do whatever it takes to prevent those who seek to serve the benefits of the people from ruling.

Commodus, kills his father before he can announce Maximus' succession, and then orders Maximus' execution to secure his reign. It doesn't work. Maximus survives, and eventually the two come face to face in the Coliseum. Again, Commodus tries to have him killed, but the Warrior cannot be defeated. So finally Commodus challenges Maximus to a fight, but knowing he can't beat him, literally stabs him in the back. The enemy doesn't want good kings to rule, so he will do whatever he can to wound men and keep them from rising to power. He starts very young, and doesn't let up.

"The King is wounded early in a boy when he is never given a territory of his own, when his territory is violated, or when his territory is too big for him. A boy needs some territory to call his own. Does he get to choose what he wears - often? Does he have certain special toys that he does not have to let others play with? Is his room, especially, a little kingdom over which he has some say? Of course, a parent expects him to clean his room. I'm talking about choices of what color to paint it, what pictures he gets to hang on the walls. Do his parents and siblings have to knock before they enter?... How else will he learn to rule?"

How can you really teach a boy to handle power? Give him some. Give him a small kingdom and teach him how to care for and protect it. As he grows and matures, allow his territory to as well. Teach him that he is powerful by giving something to exercise his power over and improve. Power isn't something you can just hand someone all at once at 18 and expect them to rule well. They have to learn to use it over time and slowly.

"If a boy has a domineering mother or father, it crushes the young King in him. He never gets to develop his own willpower and determination. For the King is also wounded early in a boy when his boundaries are violated... Sexual abuse would be among the worst violations, for the child is invaded and cannot make it stop. How can he (or she) develop a sense of sovereignty over his life, a confidence that he can assert his will, protect his boundaries? The child becomes accustomed to being run over, demanded of, used."

We saw how in order to be a Beloved Son, the boy must live in a world made safe by his father's strength. His small kingdom must fall under the protection of the big kingdom. He must be able to live in a world without fear and see what life is supposed to be like, so that he can one day take that knowledge and begin to make the world that way as his kingdom grows.

"I said in chapter 1 that a boy is also wounded when he is made a king too soon, as often happens when the father abandons the family... His shoulders are not nearly big enough for that, and won't be for a long time. Sometimes the mother does it, unintentionally, as she looks to the boy to become her companion, help her navigate life without a husband. Sometimes the boy will just take it on himself. It happens also when the boy has a weak father. It is an awful thing when you are five, or fifteen, or even twenty-five, to be the strongest man in your world."

There is a progression we are meant to grow through. We see bits of the stages throughout the whole journey, but we are meant to experience them fully in order. Don't force your son to play your part, man up and allow him to grow and journey.

"Young men are wounded by Kings who betray them, and the wound often causes them to resent all Kings and the role of King. Perhaps this is why so many young men today do not want to enter the stage of King, and think that they are more righteous for it." I've been there, and it sucks. You are sent into an ambush by someone you loved, respected, and thought had your back. Resentment is easy to have, but it isn't the way we walk. Instead we learn from it, learn how to trust and be more cautious, and we learn even more clearly, how to rule. We remember what happened to us, and we make sure that it doesn't happen again in our kingdom.

"We often make young men Kings too soon as well... Does this mean a young man cannot become a King? No. Josiah was twenty-six when he began his reforms, and he ruled well. But I would say that a young man should not be made King over too great a kingdom... If he finds himself in the role of King as a younger man, he should not forsake the other stages of the journey, for he will need all they have to teach him and develop in him. It is not the season of the King for him, but of the Warrior and Lover, and it is at those stages he should live, looking to older men to help him fulfill the office of King."

I became a lead pastor at the age of 24, a role I don't believe anyone is ready to take at that age, no matter how small the church may be (maybe especially if the church is small, because churches are often small because of problems no one has been willing to deal with). I had older men I looked to, but found very little help. People gave me words, but no action, and sometimes they weren't words that did any good. It's made me wonder if I want to take on that role ever again. Part of me has no desire to, and instead I've been looking for other opportunities to serve under a good King. My pastor now is such a leader, one of the best Kings I've ever known. I'm glad to be a Warrior in his army for now, but as I've written all of this I have the sense that at some point in the future I'm going to be asked to take on the leadership of another church. If that is to be the case, then now must be time dedicated to focusing on the Warrior and the Lover, as it is meant to be, because only then will I be able to rule well.

"Kings are wounded when they are men as well, sometimes wounded right out of being a King. There is betrayal... It happens so many times, the enemy using people to try to bring down the kingdom, and mostly, to dishearten the King... Sometimes a King is forced out of his kingdom... You can be assured that the enemy will do whatever he can to keep a man from rising up as King. He will tempt, dishearten, assault - as he did Adam, Moses, David, and Jesus."

That was my experience, and it is at that moment a King needs a Sage, we'll see more on this soon. In my case, where I was filling the office of King, I needed an older King to help me heal. It is crucial that when the time comes we do that as well. My experience has given me a heart for young men who find themselves in the same position, and one day I will reach out to them and be the King I wish I had had.

"Whatever had diminished your heart as a King, or toward the King, you must not let it win. It is as a King you were born, and it is as a King you must rise. There is great good to be done, and many people to rescue - all that we are missing are the Kings of the earth."

You are needed. Think of The Lion King, "You are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the Circle of Life... Remember who you are. You are my son, and the one true King. Remember who you are." You were born to rule well, to protect your kingdom, to bring order from chaos, and blessing upon the people. Rise up as the King you were born to be.

"Father... Show me how the King was wounded in me as a boy, as a young man, and in my adulthood as well. Show me where I've acted weakly, abdicating my authority. Show me where I've been a tyrant. Show me also where I have ruled well. Let me see what life is like for those under my rule, and, by your grace, let me become a great King on behalf of others. I give my life to you. Give me the heart and spirit of a man yielded to you. Father me."

"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

To God alone be the Glory!

Strength and Honor

The Way of the Wild Heart, Chapter 11: Raising the Lover, part 4

We've discussed wounds in the other stages, and this one is no different. However, I do feel that the wounds build on each other, just as the stages do, and the wounds of this stage are often the result of wounding in an earlier stage. This stage is either entered too early, or wounds result when a man tries to find healing here from previous wounds. When a man looks for healing in a woman the wound doesn't heal, it can't heal. She is only a reflection of beauty, not Beauty itself. And trying to find healing in her or from her, is like putting a band-aid on a six inch gash. Healing can only be found in God, and it is to Him that we must look.

"God will do this. He will actually bring women across your path who speaks to your longings, and your wounds, your fears even, in order to raise the issue so that he might heal. This can't be done in the abstract. It must involve those very places in our hearts and souls that have been wounded, or surrendered. It feels dangerous, and it is, but the surgery is needed, and until a man gets that healed he will be more and more vulnerable to a fall. So God will do what he needs to do in order to bring our heats to the surface."

Know, God is not leading you into sin, He doesn't do that. God is not giving you permission to lust or cheat. Rather God is trying to get you to rip off the band-aid, and let Him go to work cutting out the dead flesh and stitching up the wound. I had a friend who got out of a relationship feeling like it was his fault that it didn't work out. He didn't have any moral failures with the girl, but he kept feeling like it was his fault. As we talked he began to share some of the reasons, and in that I began to see how God was working to bring healing from the wounds of his past. But before God could go to work stitching up the wounds from the past, the band-aid had to be presently ripped off. This is the case with each of us.

And yes, it might seem dangerous, but don't forget we are Warriors, fully capable of facing danger and emerging victorious, especially when we are focused on being romanced by God. But still there is danger even in the healing. It is a risk to let God in, for us to journey back to the times in our life when we were cut the deepest, but we must go there, and this time we must come out victorious.

"It goes without saying that there is something in the soul of a man that makes him profoundly vulnerable to the Beauty... Over the ages men have handled this in basically one of two ways - surrender, or discipline. Surrender can be subtle, as when we let her in, when we allow ourselves to entertain the Beauty even though she is not ours. The lingering glance, the opening of our hearts to her. It can be blatant, as when we masturbate to a photo or a film, or give in to an affair. The damage is terrible, and many good men therefore choose discipline. Force yourself to look away, busy yourself with other things, fight it tooth and nail. Which is certainly better than surrender."

What are some ways you can fight? Don't put yourselves in a position first of all. Why would you walk knowingly into an ambush? If you have a problem with pornography, listen to praise and worship music all the time, especially when you're working on the computer. When all you hear is songs about God how can you focus no doing something that hurts your relationship with Him? If you're married, play with your wedding ring on your finger. Twist it around your finger, feel it, think about what it represents. If you aren't married, get a promise ring, a symbol of the commitment you're making. My wife used to work at a jewelry store, and they have a phenomenal ring there for men:

http://www.kay.com//en/kaystore/mens-wedding-band-bioblu27%C2%99-21090910399--1

Discipline in something we've worked to develop in earlier stages, and it is crucial that we do because we need it here. "But discipline without healing doesn't work real well over time, and it can do great damage to our hearts, which begin to feel like the enemy so we'll do what we can to kill them in order to avert disaster. There is another way. The way of holiness and healing and it involves what we do in that very moment, when our hearts are stirred by a Beauty."

John offers a prayer he wrote in his journal for moments like these, "O merciful God, come to me in this place, this very place in my heart. I give this to you. I choose you over Eve. I choose your love and friendship and beauty. I give my aching and longing and vulnerable heart to you. Come, and heal me here. Sanctify me. Make me whole and holy in this very place."

"Whole, and holy. That is what we need." Only then are we healed enough to be able to be disciplined without killing our hearts. Only then are we healed enough to fight the battle. What wounds are there in your heart? What past relationships or actions have wounded your heart? What band-aid have you covered them with? What is keeping you from experiencing the healing that God's stitches can bring?

Invite Christ in to bring healing. "Some of you men are still in an emotional tie with a woman you knew years ago. You must let her go - along with any photos, letters, mementos you are hanging on to... But you do not let her go with cynicism or resignation. You give that hurt place in your heart to God, invite him in to bring healing and holiness."

I've found fires to be a helpful tool here. Put everything in a box and seal it up. If need be give it to someone else to hold on to. Then pray and study, allow God to stitch up the wound, and then when your ready, when the healing has taken place, get the box, go outside, and celebrate with a fire. I've had one, and honestly it's one of the most freeing things I've experienced. Again, you don't want to do this with reluctance, because then it leads to regret. This must be a conscious and disciplined choice, and when it is, don't hesitate to bust out the matches and lighter fluid.

"And then there are the sexual issues, the holiness we need deep in our sexuality... Sometimes we have to be very specific to find the cleansing and relief we long for, going back and renouncing specific events, inviting the blood of Christ to cleanse our every sin away, that our sexuality may be made holy. We bring the cross of Christ between us and every woman we've ever had an emotional or sexual relationship with (read Gal. 6:14). This would include affairs over the Internet, and with pornography, and every misuse of your sexuality. And, brothers, if you are in an emotional or physical relationship with a woman other than your wife even now, you must walk away. You must walk away. No stalling, no excuse-making. You will not find healing, holiness, and strength until you do."

This takes a lot of prayer. Persistent, and specific prayer. I was kept from sexual sin, but I've had some emotional ties with girls before my wife. For a while they came up in my mind, especially when I was tired, but it was then that I really began to pray. Not simply "God get this out of my mind." But specifics, "God, forgive me for this... Cleanse this..." and not just once, but over and over until it is finished. It isn't always fun, some of these things you really just want to forget about, and know what, with this you can. I don't know the last time one of those thoughts came into my head. God has stitched it up and the wound is gone.

"And then there is the 'live moment,' when a beautiful woman crosses our path in person or in an image of some sort, and our hearts are stirred. how we handle that moment is critical. We do not surrender, we do not kill the longing. We give that very place over to Christ. That place in your heart, right there, right then, give to Jesus. Awakened by a beauty, we give that part of our hearts to God... Again? Yes again and again and again. That is how we are healed, made whole and holy and strong."

Bounce your eyes, and pray. Go back to the ring on your finger, it isn't just about your wife, or future wife, but about a commitment to God. And in all things, remember that the woman is simply a reflection of the beauty of God, instead of focusing on her, turn your attention to Him. Allow yourself to be swept up in the extravagance of His beauty.

"Finally, we must open our hearts to all the other ways God is bringing beauty into our lives. The beauty of a flower garden or moonlight on water, the beauty of music or a written word. Our souls crave Beauty, and if we do not find it we will be famished. We must take in Beauty, often, or we will be taken out by beauty."

My mind just thought of this, but I love what Paul says in Philippians 4.4-9, "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."

All of those things are only true of God, and we are to rejoice in Him and dwell on Him. When we do He is near us and with us. And when He is with us, our hearts are healed. One of my favorite, and most crucial, moments in life happened when I had finally been healed from an emotional connection with a girl. I was watching Brave Heart and I heard a line that at that moment came from the mouth of God. "Your heart is free. Have the courage to follow it." In just a few months I would begin a relationship with my wife, and I was able to because my heart was free, and I courageously followed it. And I'm so glad I did.

I realize there is so much more that could be said here. In some ways I feel inadequate to talk about many of these areas because thanks to the grace of God, I haven't struggled with them. I hope what I have said here is clear and helpful, and as always there is an email at the bottom of the page if you want to converse more about this or any topic.

Allow God to remove the band-aid and stitch up the wounds. In the end you will find healing and hear Him tell you, "Your heart is free. Have the courage to follow it."

"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

To God alone be the Glory!

Strength and Honor

The Way of the Wild Heart, Chapter 10: Lover, part 4

"The heart of the Lover never gets to awaken or develop in a man so long as he rejects the heart, chooses to remain in the world or analysis, dissection, and 'reason is everything.' The Lover is wounded in a man (often starting in his youth) when he looks to the woman for that primary love and validation his father was meant to bestow. It is often wounded deeply through the breakup of a young love affair. And it is wounded when he has a sexual encounter far too soon."

No stage is without its wounds, and as we saw in the last post, perhaps the greatest pain can be known here. When a man looks for validation from a woman that was never given to him by his father, there is wounding. When a man is focused more on the love of a woman than the love of God, there is wounding. And when a man engages in sexual intimacy, without the covenant of marriage, there is wounding. I think all three of these are caused by, and therefore can be softened, by a good, godly, father.

If a father treats his son as a Beloved Son, he has that validation and answer to his question. He has an identity that he can take into a relationship as a foundation. If a father has taught his son to love and serve God as a Cowboy, his Warriors heart will be focused on developing deep intimacy with God as he becomes a Lover. And when there is heartbreak, it will be seen from the eyes of "This just wasn't God's will." And if he has developed the heart of a Warrior, and a passion for living for God's truth and holiness, he will value and respect the standard of righteous sexuality.

"There are many reasons a man shies away from the world of the heart and from his own heart. It might be that he is shamed when he tries to go there by a father who thinks that art, creativity, and beauty 'are girl's stuff.' Thus, to him, the heart is a source of pain and embarrassment. He thinks a man cannot be a true man and live from the heart. It may be that he has simply never been invited to know his own heart."

How often are boys told to suck it up and not cry? From very young they are taught to show no emotion, because emotion is a sign of weakness. How often is a boy encouraged to follow his dreams? Or is he given a path that he needs to follow so his dad can live vicariously? Or is responsibility forced on him to the point where passion is buried and forgotten? We must teach our sons to be warrior poets. They must be encouraged to explore the arts, and above all, pursue what they are most passionate about. If they live from a heart of passion, they will be fully alive, and have so much to offer.

"No woman can satisfy this longing in a man's heart, and no good woman wants to try. When he makes her the center of his universe, it feels romantic for a while, but then the planets start to collide. It's not a big enough romance. He will find his heart awakening again when he opens his heart to God, and through he might have to journey there for a season, he'll find he has something to offer his woman again."

This stage is primarily about God, but so many have a misplaced focus. The best times of my marriage have been the times I have been closest to God. Those are the times I've had so much to offer my wife, so much love and affection. The more love I receive from God, the more I have to give to her. And the more I learn about how God loves me, and how to love Him, the more I know how to love my wife. The more I invest in God, the more I have to offer my wife.

"Finally, there are those of us who had sexual experiences before our wedding nights, and I've never met a man for whom the fruit of that was good."

I am blessed to not fall into that category. Sex is something incredible that God has given us. In the act of sex you have a man and a woman coming together as one, and working to create life. There is tremendous power there, and I know it's become cliché but, "With great power, comes great responsibility." In marriage, the two halves of God's heart, man and woman, come together and become one, physically, through sexual intimacy. Without the covenant of marriage the image is shattered and corrupted. And the intimacy between husband and wife is lost because it has been shared with others. God gave us a tremendous gift, which when exercised correctly, is an act of worship.

"Many men who would come alive as a Lover feel stuck, their hearts pinned down long ago through some heartbreak. So it would be good to pray: Father, God, awaken the Lover in me. Stir my heart. Romance me... Show me where I have chosen safety over and against coming alive. Show me where deep repentance needs to take place. Heal the Lover heart in me. Awaken me."

"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

To God alone be the Glory!

Strength and Honor

The Way of the Wild Heart, Chapter 8: Warrior, part 4

As with any stage of the masculine journey, we must face the reality of wounds. Even warriors, a symbol of strength and power, courage and resilience, are not immune to wounds.

"The heart of the Warrior is wounded in a boy and in a young man when he is told that aggression is flat-out wrong, unchristian, that niceness equals godliness. He is wounded when his attempts to rise up as a Warrior are mocked, or crushed. He is wounded when he has no one to train him, no king to give his allegiance to and no cause to fight for... The heart of the Warrior is wounded in a young man when he attempts to be a Warrior and is shamed."

How many of us have been taken out by one of these wounds? I've felt my attempts be crushed and felt as if I've had no king or cause. It's disheartening to feel completely alone, and it's the thing that has made me feel like giving up more than anything. And it doesn't help when the people you thought cared offer criticism that kicks you while you're down instead of a hand to help you up. When failure is met with no encouragement what is a young warrior to think of himself?

I shared in a recent post my experience of ministry over the past few years. I'm not going to go over it all again, but that experience was extremely wounding. For the past year I've wondered a lot if I'm ever going to get another chance. I've wondered if any king will be willing to give a wounded warrior another chance to fight. It has been difficult to keep going and keep hoping. But in this time I have seen how a king should react, and I have learned what I'm looking for if the chance ever comes. I'm praying it does.

Some of you are in similar positions. You've tried and been knocked down. You feel alone and like a failure, and you're wondering if it's just time to give up and get ready to endure life. Don't give up. I'm not, though I really want to some days. We are warriors, and warriors don't surrender. Keep fighting with me. I have an email address specifically for this blog; you can find it on the left side of the bottom of this page. I've shared bits of my struggles on here, and if I can pray for you or help you please let me know. We are in this together. We have to have each other’s backs and fight side by side.

"Never winning at anything, getting bullied, pushed around, and outright beat up has crushed many a young Warrior's heart, sent him into passivity. 'I’ll never try that again.'... though we don't win every fight there are still things worth fighting for."

A couple years ago I had the chance to help out with the local high schools wrestling team. I remember one day a couple of the bigger buys weren't at practice and so the heavy weight (in high school I think the weight class is 221-285 pounds) had to work out with a kid who weighed somewhere in the 160-170 pound range. Yeah there is a pretty significant weight difference, but if the lighter guy is experienced it might not be that big an issue. Sadly this kid had only been wrestling for a couple of months. I sat on the wall watching him get pushed around and belittled by the heavier guy, and after the drill was over he went and sat on the wall with his head between his knees.

I went over to him, sat next to him, and put my arm around his shoulder. I don't remember exactly what I said to him, but it was something to the effect of, "He put a beating on you, and you kept going back for more and taking it. Great job." He ended up getting a take down on me towards the end of the season, and it was awesome. We have to make sure we take advantage of the opportunities like that. We have to do everything we can to heal wounds the moment they start. We can't prevent all wounds, but if we pay attention we can bring quick healing to some. Sadly there are wounds we'll never know about. Some guys hide there’s out of a sense of shame, or even loyalty, that's what mine were.

"The wound is doubled when the beating comes from his own father, or perhaps an older brother. For that matter, the Warrior is wounded when a boy has to become a fighter too soon, as is the case when his father tells him, 'Don't be such a crybaby' and sends him back out to face a pack of boys who are bullying him, or when he lives in a volatile home where the shouting and anger make it clear that it's every man for himself. Or when he doesn't get to win at anything. My sons love to wrestle, but they would soon lose heart if every time I flipped them over and pinned them. On the other hand, if the father is passive, how will the young man learn to be a Warrior? Nothing rouses anger, frustration, and mounting disrespect in the heart of a boy as does his father's passivity."

If you want your son to be a warrior, he has to see it in you. John mentions The Patriot, and how the father's passivity leads to his sons disrespect and one of their deaths. On the other hand there is a scene early in 300 where we see Leonidas training his son. The Spartans were tough, and their sons were taught to be warriors very early in life. In the scene we the father training his son, but it isn't a harsh and disheartening thing. He gives resistance, but allows the boy to learn and work moves. He doesn't just roll over and give up, but he doesn't push him around and knock him down. If a boy is to be a warrior he must see his father, or another man who steps in to fill in the gap, as one, and be trained to be one as well.

"Finally, the heart of the Warrior is wounded, or abandoned, or sometimes let loose in very bad ways, when the young man does not have a King and a cause to serve." This is the reality for many, many, boys and men today. Because we've lost the initiation ritual there are so few men to guide and train boys. They have strength that is never channeled, the they wander trying to prove themselves in a futile search for meaning. A man needs a mission, a young man needs a leader to follow. Without these two things there is a deep wound that is given.

A king can step in and bring healing to other wounds. He can offer encouragement, and he can channel the strength and passion of a warrior so it can benefit a greater cause. A warrior needs a king. If your father was, or is, absent and there is no other man for you to look to there is still hope. "God is the Master in every stage. He is the Father when we are the Beloved Sons, a he is our King when we are Warriors... Jesus no longer had Joseph around when he entered his Warrior stage. On a human level, he was fatherless. But we know he was no alone. We, too, have a Father who is a great Warrior, and he will raise us as Warriors, if we'll let him, if we will embrace the initiation that comes with this stage. There is a Warrior in you, by the way. However it has been handled up to this point in your life, it can be restored, recovered, and made strong. The promise of Scripture is that the Father is raising us to be sons just like Jesus, meaning, you shall be as valiant as he was."

God has not forgotten or abandoned you. You are not alone. He created you to be a might warrior for Him, and if you will allow Him, He will mold you into it. We are called to be like Christ, and just as the Father initiated Jesus, He desires to initiate us. We need to have the same willingness, the same submission, and the same dependence that we see in Jesus. God will initiate us, be our leader, and give us the greatest cause if we will allow Him.

"Father, show me where I have lost heart as a Warrior. What did I miss here? What was wounded, and what was surrendered? Take me back to those times and places when the Warrior in me was shut down. Awaken and restore the Warrior heart in me. Train me. Show me what I have surrendered, where I am waling in passivity. Teach me an unyielding heart. Rouse me. I am willing. I am yours."

"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

To God alone be the Glory!

Strength and Honor

The Way of the Wild Heart, Chapter 5: Cowboy, part 4

Adventure and work go hand in hand. Too much or too little of either one is a bad thing that hinders the progress of a boy on his journey into manhood. And a father plays a crucial role in both. The absence of a father, or father figure, sets a boy up for failure and wounding.

"A young man's heart is wounded when he has no one to take him into the adventures his soul craves, no one to show him how to shoot a free throw or jump his bike or rock climb or use a power tool. This is how most young men experience fatherlessness - there is no man around who cares and who is strong enough to lead him into anything. His father might be physically present, but unavailable in every way, hiding behind a newspaper or spending hours at the computer while the young man waits for the father how never comes. Much of the anger we see in young men comes from this experience, because he is ready and fired up but has no outlet, no place to go. So it comes out in anger."

Reading that reminds me of another scene from The Patriot. The oldest son, Gabriel, has been a solider in the Continental Army for two years. His younger brother, Thomas, a fifteen year old, is anxious and ready to fight. Their father, Benjamin, played by Mel Gibson, is haunted by his past as a solider and is doing everything he can to shelter his family from war. Benjamin finds Thomas in his room wearing his old uniform and holding a tomahawk. As he takes it off of his son he says, "Not yet Thomas." When asked when, Benjamin says "17?" Thomas isn't happy because its two years away, and he desires to move on now, but his father refuses, and he refuses to tell his sons about his past, even though they repeatedly ask him.

Later that night, Gabriel comes to the house, wounded and looking for help. As Benjamin begins to tend to his wounds there is the sound of battle from outside the house. As he moves to look he sees soldiers being shot in the field. In the morning Benjamin and Thomas search the battle field for survivors and begin tending them at the house, and as they do British soldiers arrive to claim their comrades. As they are preparing to leave some of the British cavalry ride up, including the main villain. He is handed some dispatches that Gabriel was entrusted with, and then has him arrested and orders him to be taken to the fort and hanged.

Thomas pleads with his father to do something, but Benjamin simply orders him to be quite and begins to make sure his younger children are safe. Then then young Cowboy does something drastic. He charges the soldiers trying to free his brother, and ends up being shot and killed. The father refused to act, refused to let his sons grow up, and it results in death. Fathers wound or heal, give life or take it away. A Cowboy needs his father to take him into the adventure, to expose him to things that are challenging, but not damaging. When this doesn't take place the boy is deeply wounded.

"And a young man's heart is wounded when he repeatedly fails. Of course, failure is a part of learning and every cowboy gets thrown from his horse, But there needs to be someone at his side to interpret the failures and setbacks, to urge him to get back on the horse. If you weren't the Beloved Son, the testing that comes with this stage can feel unkind, cruel, a sort of rejection - especially if you are on your own."

I've felt this a lot with my career. All three churches I've worked at I feel like I've failed. My first assignment was as a youth pastor, while I was a full time college student. The pastor wanted me to do miracles with no money, no help, and no resources. When I couldn't he asked me to resign. My second assignment was as a youth and young adult pastor, and the church didn't have the money to hire me when they did. I moved out of state and went to work, and saw some good fruit growing. There were some differences of opinion with senior leadership, but he was my boss and I did what he said, but then the budget caught up with them. I resigned again, and was told that I had character flaws (I'm leaving out a lot of the story). Through both of these experiences I had someone to fall back on, someone to help me through them. It still hurt, but there were men I could turn to.

And then we come to the most recent experience. I was 24, and assigned to be the lead pastor of a church of about 40 people. There was one couple about my parent's age, and then pretty much everyone was either my grandparents, or in some cases great-grandparent's age. But I was young and passionate, and believed I could change the world. I got involved in the community, tried to build relationships and meet people, all with very little help from anyone in the church. Basically it was my wife and I doing everything. We were worn out, no one would help, and no one seemed to care. I remember going and talking to my district leaders and I was told, "Someone is going to have to push through this." No help just left on my own to try and work miracles. Here again, money was tight, and I ended up resigning again due to a lack of finances.

I was told I would be used to fill in speaking at other churches, that happened twice in the past year. No one did anything to help us find another assignment. Afterwards a few people talked with me just to tell me the things that I had done wrong and needed to do differently the next time, and I've only had one person from the denomination contact me just to see how I'm doing consistently over the past year. I've walked through a lot of this time very much alone and wondering why. No one came along side and asked how I was feeling and what I was thinking. No one fathered me through this. Part of me can't believe I just wrote that out, but I feel that it's time.

"The Masculine soul needs the trials and adventures and experiences that bring a young man to the settled confidence David showed before Goliath - the lion and the bear experiences. All of these experience of the Cowboy stage are driving at one basic goal: to answer his Question. The boy-becoming-a-young-man has a Question, and the Question is, 'Do I have what it takes?' It is a father's job to help him get an answer, a resounding Yes! that the boy himself believes because it has come through experience. The father provides initiation by arranging for moments - through hard work and adventure - when the Question is on the line... The father is to speak into his son's heart deep affirmation. Yes, you do. You have what it takes. He needs a hundred experiences that will help him get there, and he is wounded and emasculated when he is kept from those experiences, or left on his own to interpret them, or when no one is there to help him in his journey toward initiation."

"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

To God alone be the Glory!

Strength and Honor

The Way of the Wild Heart, Chapter 5: Cowboy, part 3

"The Cowboy heart is wounded - or at least, undeveloped, but more often wounded - in a young man if he is never allowed to have adventure, and it is wounded if he has no one to take him there. It is wounded if he has no confidence-building experiences with work. And on both counts, it is wounded if the adventure or the work is overwhelming, unfit to the heart of the boy, and if he repeatedly fails there."

Again we find ourselves looking at an area of woundedness; it's the reality we live in. No matter how old or how strong we are, wounds happen. The enemy wants to take us out, and he never stops trying to. As a boy begins to step into the larger world, the attacks begin to come, and they work to emasculate him. Adventures come in all shapes and sizes, sometimes as small as riding a roller coaster as John mentions early in this section, but sometimes a parent is so overprotective they won't even allow that.

"That is emasculation, and it applies to those parents who never let their boys ride bikes on a dirt path, forbid them to climb a tree or jump on a trampoline, keep them indoors most of the time. They might say they are only acting out of love and concern for the boy, but the message is, 'You'll get hurt. You can't handle it. You don't have what it takes.'" The central question of a boy's heart is answered with a repeated "NO!" When a boy is never allowed to adventure because of the risks, he never really gets to test himself and learn his strength. Growing up I climbed trees, and road my bike where I wanted, but one thing I was never allowed to do was jump on a trampoline. Whenever we would be at someone's house that had one I was always told, without even asking, that I couldn't play on it.

It's one of those things that just kind of sticks with you, and to this day there are still some risks I won't take. Part of it is that I know I could get hurt with things, and to me the risk isn't worth taking, but I think other things come from this experience of not being allowed to try. This past January I was in Jordan at Petra. My wife and I had walked through the valley and climbed the 900 plus stairs to get to the Monastery. As we looked at the massive structure cut out of the mountain face I noticed that on the top left corner of the structure was a person. Part of me really wanted to climb up there, and our security guard said I could go, my wife even gave me permission, but I didn't. I looked at it, and talked myself out of it. I made the excuse that if I had a little more rock climbing experience I would have gone. I'm not saying that had I been allowed to jump on a trampoline I would have climbed up there, I still weigh risk and don't do things I'm not equipped to handle, but part of me wishes I would have.

Emasculation happens not only when parents don't allow their boys to adventure outside, but also when they refuse to make them. "For that matter, a boy is wounded when his parents simply let him live in front of the TV, or the computer, or the video games young men love. I have nothing against computers or video games per se... but I am very concerned when they take the substitute of a real adventure." There is no risk in video games. If you die, you just respawn. There is no testing of strength to get to level ten and beat the final boss. Growing up I wasn't allowed to have a Nintendo, honestly it was a good thing. It forced me outside where I had a fort that I defended with my bow and arrow and BB gun.

"It is emasculating to shelter a young man from everything dangerous. Yes, there are risks involved, and as the young man moves into his mid- to late teens, those bodily risks increase dramatically... There is wisdom in parenting, but we must accept the fact that there is risk also... 'It's better to break a man's leg than it is to break his heart.'" Physical injuries heal a lot faster than emotional ones. I've never had a broken bone, but my heart has been wounded, and at almost 27, it still isn't fully healed.

Adventure is key to the Cowboy stage because it allows a young man to test his strength against things that are beyond his control. But the same is true of work, something that to some extent is in his control. Work is part of life, and a boy must learn how to do it. "When it comes to work, the principles are the same. Too little is a wound, as is too much." John talks about the use of power tools, and how there are some dads who never let their sons use them. I remember a lot of times like that with my dad.

One thing that sticks out to me the most though is from sometime in elementary school. I don't remember exactly how old I was, probably between second and third grade. There was a men's work day at church on a Saturday, and my dad took me along. On this particular day they were clearing some cut trees from the lot next to the church by using a chipper. We pulled into the parking lot, and my dad told me I couldn't put anything into the chipper. I understand the risk of these things. I've heard a story about a grown man getting sucked into one, but what I wish he would have done was helped me do it, stood by me and made sure I was safe as I put a couple of branches into the machine, "let a young man take risks even in his work."

"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

To God alone be the Glory!

Strength and Honor

The Way of the Wild Heart, Chapter 3: Boyhood, part 3

We were meant to begin life under the protection of our father's strength. In this security we were meant to freely explore and adventure through the early years of life. Make believe battles, surprises that speak to our hearts, and the affirmation that we are truly loved and deeply prized. That was the intent, but sadly it's far from reality for many.

"The crucial thing about the stage of Beloved Son - any of the stages, for that matter - is that it not be cut short, assaulted, unfinished, stolen in any way. We were designed to experience belovedness and boyhood, soak in it for years, learn lessons, have them written indelibly upon our hearts, and then pass through this stage to the next, carrying all its treasures with us. We were meant to move on with the help of our fathers, into the next stage of masculine initiation... Far more often than not this stage is stolen."

Many boys are forced to grow up too fast. I shared that scene from The Patriot in an earlier post. For some it happens when dad leaves, or checks out. We've talked a lot about wounds, and I'm sure we will talk a lot more about them, but sadly boyhood, the time that is supposed to be full of affirmation often brings the deepest wounds that we ever receive. It is because of the wounds given here that we deal with so many issues later in life.

"A boy's heart is wounded in many ways. He is wounded when he does not live in a world made safe by his father, when he is not free to explore and dare and simply be a boy, when he is forced to grow up too soon. He is wounded when he does have that world, but it ends with a sudden loss of innocence. And most especially, a boy is wounded to the core when he does not know that he is the Beloved Son."

Each of our stories is different; each of our wounds is unique. But all of them come from the same source. "Whatever the details of the story might be, the boy is robbed of his father and of the deep and fundamental blessing that he is the Beloved Son. It is the evil one's first and most devastating blow against the soul of a man." We were made to be dangerous and powerful men of God. We were created to be warriors of righteousness who stand firm against Satan. The enemy knows this, and so he works quickly to take us out before we can become a threat to him. He works to deliver a crippling blow when we are young so that we cannot grow into the men we need to be.

For me, reading this chapter was a bit difficult. Things I read really made me question a lot of things and the Father, and my position as His beloved son. The last few years have been rough and full of disappointments. A few weeks ago my wife and I were driving and I remember saying to her, "Part of me is just like, 'God haven't I trusted enough? Haven't I shown that I am fully reliant upon you?' and there is still more and more that keeps coming." For a while earlier this week I was mad at God, I felt like He had let me down, in some ways I still do, and this is exactly how the enemy wants me to feel. "This is the enemy's one central purpose - to separate us from the Father."

In James it says that we are to submit ourselves to God. The next sentence says that we are to resist the devil and he will flee. But he only flees when we are submitted to God. He flees because of God, not us. If he can separate us from the Father by convincing us that we don't matter to Him, then there is no one to make him flee. That's just the way he wants it, and so he works to wound us deeply and separate us from God.

But God loves us too much to leave us there. He knows we are wounded, and He knows that we need healing so our initiation can commence. "God will come like a loving Father, and take us close to his heart. He will also take us back to heal the wounds, finish things that didn't get finished. He will come for the boy, no matter how old he might now be, and make him his Beloved Son."

The chapters of this book end with a prayer, for this chapter I have two questions highlighted, "Do I believe it even now?" and "Do I believe you want good things for me?" Right now those are the two biggest things on my heart and mind. Do I really believe that I am God's Beloved Son? What makes me believe or not believe it? Do I believe that God wants good things for me? For the past year or so I have questioned that a lot. Numerous doors have closed and I have been left very much alone with questions no one can answer but God, and He seems to be very silent. This knowledge is crucial, because it is the foundational identity for the journey. Hopefully, along the way I come to know the truth of this deeply.

"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."

To God alone be the Glory!

Strength and Honor

Wild at Heart, Chapter 7: Healing the Wound, part 3

These last two chapters have really hit me, and I've started to realize a few things about my own life. In writing this blog my plan was never to appear to have it all together. In so many ways I'm still on this journey, and those who read this are simply getting a glimpse at the one I'm taking. As I've read and written about the wound and healing it I've seen first had how difficult it can be. And at the same time I've started to see just how crucial it is for God to be central in this journey.

"Masculinity is passed from father to son, and then Father to son. Adam, Abraham, Jacob, David, Jesus - they all learned who they were out of their intimacy with God, with the Father. After all 'who can give a man this, his own name? God alone. For no one but God sees what the man is.'"

God must play the most central part in this initiation to manhood. It is only God who can give a man his true name, because it is only God who sees what the man really is. I have recently realized that my dad had his own wounds, and I don't know that he had anyone to help heal them. My dad did the best he could, the best he knew how to, but because of his wounds, there were gaps in my life. And so God brought some other men, in the form of mentors and brothers, to fill in some of the gaps. But even they can't fill them all in.

Recently as I've talked with some of them about things at the end of the conversations I'm feeling about in the same place as when I started talking with them. The questions I've asked haven't really been answered, and it's left me very frustrated and feeling like they really just don't care. But that isn't the case. The issue isn't with them, but with me.

A few days ago my wife and I were talking, and as I shared some of those feelings something hit me, the men I've looked to over the past few years for guidance have taken me as far as they can. My dad did what he could, and now these men have done what they can. The rest is up to God. "What God sees when he sees you is the real you, the true you, the man he had in mind when he made you."

I think parents tend to see us as they would like us to become. They have an idea of what we should be. A mentor sees who we are at the moment, and I think sees some of the potential we have in us to become and works to guide us. I think brothers, (not necessarily blood relatives, I have a few guys from college that are more my brother than my actual brother ever will be) have the opportunity to see us most clearly because they are with us side by side through thick and thin. But even then they simply see bits of who we are and what we can become. It is only God who can see us fully as we were meant to be, because God is the one who created us.

"You must ask God what he thinks of you, and you must stay with the question until you have an answer." At one point during college I was sitting alone in the balcony of the Chapel. It had been a rough stretch for one reason or another, don't really remember the specifics, but I remember sitting there in the dark, the light pouring through the stained glass windows didn't illuminate that are too well, and I asked God, "Who am I?" I only got one word that day, "Mine."

"It's a battle to get to this place, and once words like these have been spoken then Enemy rushes in to steal them." It took about three and a half years of college to get to that point, and at that moment my problems didn't go away. Graduated, went months with no job. Finally got a job that was really rough. Went another seven months after that waiting, got a rougher job. And now it's back to one of the most difficult stretches of wilderness I've ever been in. But in this I am learning and I have to admit, journeying onward to the Man of God I was created to be.

"True strength does not come out of bravado. Until we are broken, our life will be self-centered, self-reliant;our strength will be our own. So long as you think you are really something in and of yourself, what will you need God for?... it is out of your brokenness that you discover what you have to offer the community. The false self is never wholly false. These gifts we've been using are often quite true about us, but we've used them to hide behind... When we begin to offer not merely our gifts but our true selves that is when we become powerful. That is when we are ready for battle."

Before we can ever fight, the wound must be healed. There is a reason why wounded soldiers aren't sent to the front lines. There is a reason for basic training. In order to be dangerous warriors they must be healed. In order to be powerful they must be built up, but first they must be torn down, so everything false, everything weak, can be replaced with strength and confidence.

This is what God is working to do in our lives. We're in God's boot camp so to speak. The wounds are healed, the false self and the weakness is broken away, and we are built up as the men He created us to be, ready to step out onto the front lines and face the enemy.

I have been being broken down for years now, this isn't an over night thing, it takes time. But now God is beginning to fill in the final gaps in my life. God is putting in the the last stitches and removing some other ones that have scared up. I'm beginning to know my name.

My name is William Edward Gunsalus;
Servant of Christ;
Minister of the Gospel;
Beloved Son of God the Father Almighty;
Husband to the Proverbs 31 Woman;
Future father of warriors and princesses;
And I will glorify God in this life and the next.

What is your name? You have one that God wants to show you. He created you to be a man of God, and everything in your life, good and bad, He is using to mold you into that man He sees you to be. He doesn't see you as a failure. He doesn't see you as a hopeless waste of time. He sees the Man you can become, the man He has always intended for you to be. He will heal you, give you your name, and make you ready and fit for battle.

"Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen." Ephesians 3.20-21

To God alone be the Glory!

Strength and Honor

Wild at Heart, Chapter 7: Healing the Wound, part 2

"That is the way we are with our wound, especially men. We bury it deep and never take it out again. But take it out we must, or better, enter into it." This is no easy task, I really believe that many refuse to even attempt this. For me its has been difficult to identify the wounds at times. Some are easy and obvious, but others aren't so clear. I'm thinking of the first time I was at the Dead Sea in Israel. It was January, and like most men I didn't use lotion during the winter. The first time I went into the salty water I felt ever crack in the skin on my hands, and most of them I wasn't aware of before that moment.

On the journey to manhood healing is essential, without it we have no other option except to live as posers, putting up a front, and hoping it gets us through life. To be men, we must face out wounds, we must enter them and get to root of them in order that they may be healed. And this is something the enemy works hard to prevent. "The whole false self is an elaborate defense against entering our wounded heart." I just thought of the movie Hitch, Will Smith plays a dating consultant who works to help guys reinvent themselves to win the girl. He guards Himself, presents a false self, and appears to be happy, but really he drives the girl away. It isn't until the end when he realizes that the woman is interested in who he really is, that he is enough, that he wins her. He faces his wound, he enters it, and because of that he is healed and the relationship is saved.

"But a wound unfelt is a wound unhealed. We must go in." In order to be men our wounds must be healed. And in order to be healed they must be felt. We must face the wounds and enter them. And at this point it get's extremely individualized. "There are no formulas with God. The way in which God heals our wound is a deeply personal process. He is a person and he insists on working personally."

How I am healed is not the same way you will be. But there is one commonality for all of our healing, "Healing never happens outside of intimacy with Christ. The healing of our wound flows out of our union with Him." Half way through my junior year of college things began to change for me. I had just gotten out of an almost two year relationship. I had lost sight of priorities and had cut a lot of friends out of my life, and had really neglected my spiritual growth. I remember telling some of the few friends I still had, "I feel like God is running way out in front of my and I'm trying to catch Him. But instead of offering encouragement and slowing down He turns and says, 'Just try and catch me!' and sprints faster to get away."

I knew the relationship needed to end, but I didn't know how to get out of it. We had been together for almost two years, we had talked about marriage (seriously have no idea what I was thinking), and now I just felt stuck. The fall of 2007 I really began to focus on God, really began to pour out to Him. He stepped in ended the relationship, and then on New Years day at around 1:00 am I was alone in my room. I sat there thinking about the last year, thinking about how much it had sucked, and then I just began to pray. I remember telling God how much I wanted this next year to be different. I had already begun to grow closer to Him again, and at that moment He and I began a journey together, running side by side. It began with Philippians 3.13b-14, " forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." And for much of the next few years I poured through the four short, yet powerful, chapters of this incredible letter.

I have found so much healing in those pages, not just for that wound, but for most of the ones I've been dealt. Last January things at the Church I was pastoring got really rough. I was in a board meeting where I quickly found myself on the receiving end of a verbal shotgun that lasted well over an hour. I called my mentor the next day and ended up crying on the phone as he began to put some of the pieces back together. And then I went back to Philippians. I read the book in its entirety every day for a few weeks, each day picking up on something different. And in those moments finding healing and the strength to go on.
As I'm writing this I feel the need to go back into them again, another wound, one of the subtle ones but one of the first I'd received, has been revealed to me, and its time for it to be stitched up.

John mentions four steps in the chapter, that though they will be uniquely fulfilled in each of us, are universal in the healing process. The first is "Surrender". This is where it all begins. There is no healing apart from the stitching done by God, and so we must invite Jesus into our wounds, but we must also meet Him there. Healing cannot be done at a distance, we must work through this with Christ. This is one of those procedures where the patient must be awake and alert in order to be able to respond to what the surgeon is doing for proper healing. "Christ comes to restore and release you, your soul, the true you." As Philippians 1.6 tells us, "For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus." You were created to be a Man of God, and Christ is at work to make you just that, but we must enter into the wound with Him. To be healed we must surrender.

Step two is to "Grieve". As a pastor I have had the opportunity to share intense moments with people as life came to an end. I've been with a family at the hospital as a wife was told her husband of 60 plus years might not make it through the night. I held her and as she sat and took it all in. I was with a family in a hospice room as they waited for dad and grandpa to take his last breath. I preached his funeral. And one of the things that I shared with them is that grieving is part of the healing process. We must grieve. We something precious is lost or stolen from us, grieving helps to admit the truth that it hurt and it mattered. If we refuse to grieve we reject the pain, we deny the loss, and we never heal. Grieving is key, because grieving says it happened, and grieving works to heal.

Step three is "Letting God Love us". We must let God get really close. "This deep intimate union with Jesus and with his Father is the source of all our healing and all our strength." It is in those moments of deep study of Scripture, of intense prayer, and in moments of silence and solitude with God that the most crucial truths have been spoken into my life. In order for God to sew up the wound He's got to get closer than arm's length, He's got to get face to face with us. We must fall into His arms, or climb up into His lap and curl up. We must allow ourselves to be loved by God. This means vulnerability but it is the safest vulnerability ever because we offer ourselves fully to the hands of the creator. The love of God heals all wounds.

Finally, we must "Forgive". John points out that this is a choice we make, it is never something we feel like doing. Forgiveness is the final step because the other three must happen for us to be able to choose to forgive. I must first surrender to Jesus and enter my wound. As I do I must grieve it. I don't deny that it happened, I don't deny that it hurt, I don't say that it didn't matter. And through all of this, I allow God to love me, to speak truth to me and to heal me. And then we come to this final step, we choose to forgive. Forgiveness doesn't say that it never happened, it doesn't say it was ok, we've already acknowledged it did in our grief. Forgiveness releases those who wounded us and says, "I don't hold this against you." It doesn't mean we will have warm fuzzy feelings for those people, it simply means we let it go, that we aren't imprisoned to it any more. It means the band-aid has been removed, the stitches have done their job, and there is now a beautiful scar.

"Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen." Ephesians 3.20-21

To God alone be the Glory!

Strength and Honor

Wild at Heart, Chapter 7: Healing the Wound, part 1

"The deepest desire of our heats is for union with God. God created us for union with himself: This is the original purpose of our lives." John uses this quote from Brennan Manning at the beginning of this chapter. We've all heard the cliches that have tried to communicate this message, but this is the deepest truth of our existence. Our wound is caused when someone presents a false and corrupted image of God to us. Our wound is deepened when we try to fix it ourselves apart from God. And true healing only comes when we find this unity with God.

We crave a soul-to-soul oneness with God, and we were made for this, "ours was meant to be a desperately dependent existence." We were made for unity with God, John points out Jesus saying He is the vine and we are the branches, and apart from Him we can do nothing. Gardening is a hobby of mine, and the stem, that central beam of a plant, is where every branch gets its source of life. Once it falls off or is pruned it withers and dies. We were made to be connected to God, and there is no shame in needing Him, there is no shame in being completely dependent upon Him. Look to the left of the page and you'll see the picture of a man on his knees with a hand raised to heaven. True strength is found in surrender to the Lord of Lords.

Culture has painted to picture of a real man to be a loaner who needs no one. John mentions James Bond and John Wayne. Personally neither one of them does much for me, so I'll use the example of someone who does, Batman. I love Batman, as most men do. He's got the car, the gadgets, the suit, the power and intimidation that men desire. I love Batman because he is the only logically possible hero in the comic universe. If someone were to give me a few billion dollars I would seriously consider getting a Kevlar/titanium suit, become a karate master, and begin fighting crime at night. But as awesome as Batman is, he has issues (and if my brother-in-law, a Marvel/Iron Man fan, ever reads this I'll never hear the end of it).

Batman is a loaner with an unhealed wound. We know the story, parents shot in front of him when he was little, turns his anger into fuel for vengeance, and while he does a good thing by taking out criminals, he lives a lonely life with an unhealed wound. He wears a mask to hide who he really is. He goes it alone and so has to depend on gadgets and skill in order to survive. He wears armor to protect himself. He needs no one, and drives those who care about him away. And this is who we idolize. No one would ever say Batman wasn't a real man, but if we really look at him we have to say he's got a big wound that hasn't healed and because of that he must go it alone.

And fortunately Batman is not the founder of our faith. Instead we have a real man to look to, one who has demonstrated what a life of complete dependence to God looks like, and not only that, but proudly displays it for all to see. Jesus, without question the strongest and most manly man who ever walked the earth, lived in desperate dependence upon His Father. Read what He says in John about His unity with the Father. Look at how He spends His spare time. Listen to how He teaches. As Jesus said, "Truly, truly, I say to you, the Son can do nothing of Himself, unless it is something He sees the Father doing; for whatever the Father does, these things the Son also does in like manner" (John 5.19).

If we want to be men, then we must follow the example of Christ. After all our purpose in life is to become Christlike, and as we journey towards Christlikeness we are initiated into manhood. The key to being like Christ is unity with God, and in this surrender we find strength. "The true essence of strength is passed to us from God through our union with him." The point is for us to be Men of God, we must be united to Him in order for this to happen.

As we get closer to God we can take off the utility belt, remove the mask, and shed the armor we've donned as we've attempted to go it alone, and as we do this the healing of our wounds can begin. "It is no shame that you need healing; it is no shame to look to another for strength; it is no shame that you feel young and afraid inside. It's not your fault."

For our wounds to be healed we must draw near to the source of life. As I wrote that my mind went to Psalm 1, "How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, nor stand in the path of sinners, nor sit in the seat of scoffers! But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he meditates day and night. He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in its season and its leaf does not wither; and in whatever he does, he prospers" (Verses 1-3). We must not listen to the wicked, sinners, or scoffers. These posers have one goal in mind, to convince us to keep the front up, trying to convince us that what is underneath is not good enough and undesirable.

But when we delight in the commands and teachings of God we have a union with Him that our souls desire above all else. We are connected to Him in an unshakable way, and have a constant source of life. We bear fruit and never wither, we prosper because we constantly grow closer to God, even in trials and failures, we grow closer to God because we are intimately united with the Father.

"Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen." Ephesians 3.20-21

To God alone be the Glory!

Strength and Honor

Wild at Heart, Chapter 6: The Father's voice, part 4

"From the place of our wounding we construct a false self. We find a few gifts that work for us, and we try to live off them." From there we play it safe. We don't take risks, we don't attempt battles we aren't sure to win. We depend on a few talents, and not on strength. We try to live, but we end up just existing. A wound takes the life out of you.

John quotes Brennan Manning as he talks about the impostor that is created as a defense against pain, and then points out, "The impostor is our plan for salvation. So God must take it away." We take the wound and cover it up with an band-aid, which we cover with a sleeve. We try to get by with our own field dressing, hoping that we can somehow make it through the rest of the war with no one finding out we've been hit. But a wounded warrior isn't fighting to his fullest potential.

"Our false self, our plan for redemption, seems so right to us. It shields us from pain and secures us a little love and admiration. But the false self is a lie; the whole plan is built on a pretense. It's a deadly trap. God loves us too much to leave us there... He will take away all that you've leaned upon to bring life." We've all been there, we've made our plans, secured a few things, and used some talent to make it, but we all know that this hasn't satisfied us. We all know that we've still felt empty and like something was missing. We're all aware of the wound that keeps us where we are, that prevents us from getting to where we know we could and should be. And God loves us too much to let us stay there. And so He begins to work on bringing us to where He created us to be.

Everything falls apart. "This is the critical moment in a man's life, when all he has counted on comes crashing down.. what is he to do?... The true test of a man, the beginning of his redemption, actually starts when he can no longer rely on what he's used all his life. The real journey begins when the false self fails." It is in this moment that we can begin to learn who we really are. It is here that we can begin to see that we have what it takes. "This is a very dangerous moment, when God seems set against everything that has meant life to us. Satan spies his opportunity, and leaps to accuse God in our hearts."

This is where I have found myself. I have a call to ministry as a vocation that I haven't been able to do much with recently. And I have felt like God has been against me. I've even accused God, saying things like, "Why are you making it so hard for me to do what You've called me to do?" And we've all said, or at the very least thought, "God, you could fix this in five minutes if you wanted to." This thinking is the enemy tempting us to rely on us. If he can make us think that God doesn't care, or worse that God is against us, then we'll continue to live with our band-aid.

But the thing we must remember is that God works out of love. Everything He does is because He loves us. He has given us an invitation to be all that He created us to be, "We can choose to do it ourselves, or we can wait for God to bring it all down." We can choose to willingly let Him pull off the band-aid and begin to stitch us up, or we can wait until we have no where else to turn. The time only makes the wound worse and the healing longer and more intense. Either way, "Losing the false self is painful." It isn't fun to take a band-aid off, and the cleaning and stitching aren't the most pleasant experiences either, but if we choose to willingly come to God it goes a lot easier.

We all have been wounded. Try as we might, there is no healing to be found, and therefore no real life, apart from God. Anything we fill the void with will never satisfy or heal. "A man without his true love, his live, his God, will find another... we must take our ache to him. For only in God will we find the healing of our wound."

"Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen." Ephesians 3.20-21

To God alone be the Glory!

Strength and Honor

Wild at Heart, Chapter 6: The Father's Voice, part 3

"There comes a time when you have to leave all that is familiar and go on into the unknown with God." In order to be a Man of God, we have got to get alone with God. In order to be alone with God we must trust Him and follow Him into the unknown. It can be a bit frightening, because it involves us giving up the idea of control. It can be difficult to do because God will stretch us, He has to in order for us to become who He created us to be, and since this is initiation its purpose is to test us so we realize we are powerful and have what it takes.

But the journey doesn't begin with a test of strength. Instead it begins with something we are very aware of. The journey into manhood begins with our wound.

"Men are taught over and over when they are boys that a wound is shameful... A wound that stops you from continuing to play is a girlish wound. He who is truly a man keeps walking, dragging his guts behind." I know I'm not the only one who has gotten something along those lines somewhere along the way. Right now I keep thinking of the scene in Night at the Museum where Larry first encounters the miniature figures, who have tripped him and tied him down with his head on the railroad tracks. He's told to "Quit whining and just take it like a man!"

Men are taught to be tough, to suck it up and not cry when we fall and scrap our knee. But a man must be able to acknowledge a wound, otherwise it can never heal. "That sort of misunderstanding is why for most of us, our wound is an immense source of shame. A man's not supposed to get hurt' he's certainly not supposed to let it really matter... And so most men minimize their wound... Or perhaps they'll admit it happened, but deny it was a wound because they deserved it... The only thing more tragic than the tragedy that happens to us is the way we handle it."

Many of us have the mentality that wounds are shameful, that real men don't get hurt, that pain is a concept foreign to a man. We cover it with a band-aid hoping that it's enough to cover it so we can hide it, but it doesn't heal. Untreated wounds get infected and cause more complications. And this is what happens to many men. It happened to me.

I'm not going to share the details on the internet for the world to see, but most of what I did was denying it. I refused to talk about it or admit it because of how other people would be viewed (that probably makes it sound like it's a lot worse than it is). My wound is hard to describe, even if I were to put it into words. But I guess the best way to put it is feeling like the least important, like nothing I did was good enough, and that by doing what God had called me to do meant losing the support of others.

Anyway, I just kind of blew it all off. Never talked about it with anyone until I got married, and even then my wife had to drag a lot of it out of me at first. Even now it's hard for me to even share this much. A lot of it I haven't really even put together until the last few weeks, and in that time I've started to see why God has brought me here. "God is fiercely committed to you, to the restoration and release of your masculine heart. But a wound that goes unacknowledged and unwept is a wound that cannot heal. A wound you've embraced is a wound that cannot heal. A wound you think you deserved is a wound that cannot heal... Most men deny their wound - deny that it happened, deny that it hurt, certainly deny that it's shaping the way the live today. And so God's initiation of a man must take a very cunning course... He will wound us in the very place where we have been wounded."

The feelings of being the least important, and not good enough, have been big in my life over the last few years. I graduated at the top of my class with some of the greatest encouragement from my professors in my ears. Waited, had a rough youth pastor job, followed by more waiting, followed by an even rougher lead pastor job, followed by, and currently in, waiting. Do you have any idea what it's like to fail at something you've been told you'll succeed at? Do you have any idea what it's like to be passed over for jobs that seem perfect, and that you'd be perfect for? Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to have people want you to have experience that no one will let you get? You feel pretty unimportant and not good enough.

And you ask a lot of questions, "God, why did you let this happen to me?" "God, why won't you just open a door?" "God, why ... ?" fill in the blank. These questions are easy to ask because it's easy to whine. These questions give all the responsibility to God and don't challenge us to be men. These are the questions that result from the band-aid, and these questions, from my experience, never get answered, and never bring healing.

"To enter into a journey of initiation with God requires a new set of questions: What are you trying to teach me here? What issues in my heart are you trying to raise through this? What is it you want me to see? What are you asking me to let go of? In truth, God has been trying to initiate you for a long time. What is in the way is how you've mishandled your wound and the life you've constructed as a result."

As we begin this initiation with God real healing can begin. God will stitch up the wound so that it becomes a scar. Scars are a sign of healing, scars tell a story, and scars don't hurt. But in order to stitch it up, God has to rip the band-aid off, and then clean out the wound. Then, and only then, can He begin to sew.

If we are to become Men of God, we must be initiated by God, and for that to begin, our wounds must be healed. God wants to heal you, God will heal you, but first He has to uncover the wound. You have to acknowledge it. He has to clean it. You have to face it. He has to stitch it up. Will you let Him?

"Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen." Ephesians 3.20-21

To God alone be the Glory!

Strength and Honor

Wild at Heart, Chapter 4: The Wound, part 1

"Every boy in his journey to become a man takes an arrow in the center of his heart, in the place of his strength... Every man carries a wound."

I'm still trying to figure out how to tackle this chapter. At first glace there didn't seem to be all that much here, but on my second read through my mind struggled to wrap itself around the subject. There is a lot here, and if I remember correctly there is more to come on this, and a lot of this chapter talks about more than the wound. But this is something that every man faces. All of us are wounded at some point, some multiple times. Some of us stitch them up and heal, others cover them with a band-aid and hide it from the world.

All men have been wounded. Some from a father, others from other men, some even from their mother. As I look at my wounds, mainly they have come from coaches and bosses.

I wrestled, a sport I loved and picked up quickly. I worked hard and I was pretty good. I had a goal to be a State Champion, and honestly, I think I had a decent shot at it, but I never got the chance to find out. Long story short I ended up losing my spot in the line up three weeks before the post season began to a kid who had never made his weight, had missed most of the practices, and was boarder line academically ineligible. I never wrestled another match.

The first church I worked at I wasn't ready for. I was a full time college student who, at 19, thought he knew everything about ministry and the Church. The guy I worked for wasn't very helpful. Had a lot of expectations that a full time staff member would have had difficulty meeting in that situation, and offered no help. I remember him telling me, "This is what I expect, I've never been a youth pastor I don't know how to help you" and left me to figure it out, and fail.

I worked for another guy in another church. At this point in my life I had a degree, had matured and started to learn who God really is and what He had intended for His Church. I had an idea what I was doing at this point, and things were happening with the teens and young adults that I was in charge of, but I wasn't doing things like they had been done for the last 50 years. I was confident and didn't need a ton of help or insight(if I had I would have asked for it). At the same time I was still figuring out life. I was on my own for the first time, in a new city in a new state, where I knew no one. Skipping a lot of details, I asked some questions that didn't go over too well because they challenged things. Money was tight, $20,000+ in the red, and so I was let go. In that meeting I was told I had "Character flaws" because of something that I hadn't done eight months prior when I was still very new.

Finally, I was a lead pastor at age 24, (who's idea was that?) and during a January board meeting this lady unloaded on me, and two of the other three people in the room quickly joined her. It was one of the most difficult hours of my life. I had very little idea of what to do, I was in a struggling Church doing the best I knew how, and now I was being told everything I was doing wasn't good enough, and that I was failing at the one thing I was supposed to be doing.

These are my main wounds, you have yours and they have similar stories. Some of them are more subtle, an absent father who was never there, which I am grateful I never had to experience. But all of them go right to the heart. All of them cause us to question ourselves and attack our confidence. All of them try to question our masculinity.

We all have wounds, and for some of us, they haven't had the chance to become scars. Some of us, as I said, have put a band-aid over it and covered it up as we put on a front to hide it. The wound doesn't heal, and you have a boy who puts up a front hoping that no one will see through it, and dreading that something might tear it down. I've met a lot of them.

But there are some who have been healed from their wounds. Some who have allowed a man to come and stitch up the wound so that it can really heal. I had another coach, Deke, who was more like a big brother. He was supportive of my decision not to continue in the sport that we both love, and helped me through the rest of my junior year. I remember the night when I was with my one mentor Jeremy (different guy from the earlier post) at an over night teen event. We had finished talking with the teens about the events of the coming day, and after they left he and I just started talking. I was getting ready to graduate in a few months, and I don't remember everything he said, but it was kind of like the scene at the end of Good Will Hunting where Matt Damon's character finally gets it. It wasn't that intense but he helped bring healing to my first church job experience.

And for the last two I've had another mentor, Doug, who has poured more confidence and encouragement into me than any other human being, except for my wife. I talked with him a lot while in Michigan, and after I came back. Just a few months ago we were with a group of pastors and as he introduced me he still was encouraging me past that event. The day after that board meeting I called him, and he spoke so much confidence and encouragement into me.

I've taken several arrows to the chest, and I'm sure more will be fired, but my wounds have been stitched up, and because of the men in my life (the three I mentioned are just some I wrote a post on Father's Day a few years ago on my other blog listing most of the ones who have impacted me the most), I have confidence in my masculinity that acts as armor against them.

We all have wounds, have your's been stitched up or simply coverd?

To God alone be the Glory!

Strength and Honor