Adventure and work go hand in hand. Too much or too little of either one is a bad thing that hinders the progress of a boy on his journey into manhood. And a father plays a crucial role in both. The absence of a father, or father figure, sets a boy up for failure and wounding.
"A young man's heart is wounded when he has no one to take him into the adventures his soul craves, no one to show him how to shoot a free throw or jump his bike or rock climb or use a power tool. This is how most young men experience fatherlessness - there is no man around who cares and who is strong enough to lead him into anything. His father might be physically present, but unavailable in every way, hiding behind a newspaper or spending hours at the computer while the young man waits for the father how never comes. Much of the anger we see in young men comes from this experience, because he is ready and fired up but has no outlet, no place to go. So it comes out in anger."
Reading that reminds me of another scene from The Patriot. The oldest son, Gabriel, has been a solider in the Continental Army for two years. His younger brother, Thomas, a fifteen year old, is anxious and ready to fight. Their father, Benjamin, played by Mel Gibson, is haunted by his past as a solider and is doing everything he can to shelter his family from war. Benjamin finds Thomas in his room wearing his old uniform and holding a tomahawk. As he takes it off of his son he says, "Not yet Thomas." When asked when, Benjamin says "17?" Thomas isn't happy because its two years away, and he desires to move on now, but his father refuses, and he refuses to tell his sons about his past, even though they repeatedly ask him.
Later that night, Gabriel comes to the house, wounded and looking for help. As Benjamin begins to tend to his wounds there is the sound of battle from outside the house. As he moves to look he sees soldiers being shot in the field. In the morning Benjamin and Thomas search the battle field for survivors and begin tending them at the house, and as they do British soldiers arrive to claim their comrades. As they are preparing to leave some of the British cavalry ride up, including the main villain. He is handed some dispatches that Gabriel was entrusted with, and then has him arrested and orders him to be taken to the fort and hanged.
Thomas pleads with his father to do something, but Benjamin simply orders him to be quite and begins to make sure his younger children are safe. Then then young Cowboy does something drastic. He charges the soldiers trying to free his brother, and ends up being shot and killed. The father refused to act, refused to let his sons grow up, and it results in death. Fathers wound or heal, give life or take it away. A Cowboy needs his father to take him into the adventure, to expose him to things that are challenging, but not damaging. When this doesn't take place the boy is deeply wounded.
"And a young man's heart is wounded when he repeatedly fails. Of course, failure is a part of learning and every cowboy gets thrown from his horse, But there needs to be someone at his side to interpret the failures and setbacks, to urge him to get back on the horse. If you weren't the Beloved Son, the testing that comes with this stage can feel unkind, cruel, a sort of rejection - especially if you are on your own."
I've felt this a lot with my career. All three churches I've worked at I feel like I've failed. My first assignment was as a youth pastor, while I was a full time college student. The pastor wanted me to do miracles with no money, no help, and no resources. When I couldn't he asked me to resign. My second assignment was as a youth and young adult pastor, and the church didn't have the money to hire me when they did. I moved out of state and went to work, and saw some good fruit growing. There were some differences of opinion with senior leadership, but he was my boss and I did what he said, but then the budget caught up with them. I resigned again, and was told that I had character flaws (I'm leaving out a lot of the story). Through both of these experiences I had someone to fall back on, someone to help me through them. It still hurt, but there were men I could turn to.
And then we come to the most recent experience. I was 24, and assigned to be the lead pastor of a church of about 40 people. There was one couple about my parent's age, and then pretty much everyone was either my grandparents, or in some cases great-grandparent's age. But I was young and passionate, and believed I could change the world. I got involved in the community, tried to build relationships and meet people, all with very little help from anyone in the church. Basically it was my wife and I doing everything. We were worn out, no one would help, and no one seemed to care. I remember going and talking to my district leaders and I was told, "Someone is going to have to push through this." No help just left on my own to try and work miracles. Here again, money was tight, and I ended up resigning again due to a lack of finances.
I was told I would be used to fill in speaking at other churches, that happened twice in the past year. No one did anything to help us find another assignment. Afterwards a few people talked with me just to tell me the things that I had done wrong and needed to do differently the next time, and I've only had one person from the denomination contact me just to see how I'm doing consistently over the past year. I've walked through a lot of this time very much alone and wondering why. No one came along side and asked how I was feeling and what I was thinking. No one fathered me through this. Part of me can't believe I just wrote that out, but I feel that it's time.
"The Masculine soul needs the trials and adventures and experiences that bring a young man to the settled confidence David showed before Goliath - the lion and the bear experiences. All of these experience of the Cowboy stage are driving at one basic goal: to answer his Question. The boy-becoming-a-young-man has a Question, and the Question is, 'Do I have what it takes?' It is a father's job to help him get an answer, a resounding Yes! that the boy himself believes because it has come through experience. The father provides initiation by arranging for moments - through hard work and adventure - when the Question is on the line... The father is to speak into his son's heart deep affirmation. Yes, you do. You have what it takes. He needs a hundred experiences that will help him get there, and he is wounded and emasculated when he is kept from those experiences, or left on his own to interpret them, or when no one is there to help him in his journey toward initiation."
"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
To God alone be the Glory!
Strength and Honor
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