We've discussed wounds in the other stages, and this one is no different. However, I do feel that the wounds build on each other, just as the stages do, and the wounds of this stage are often the result of wounding in an earlier stage. This stage is either entered too early, or wounds result when a man tries to find healing here from previous wounds. When a man looks for healing in a woman the wound doesn't heal, it can't heal. She is only a reflection of beauty, not Beauty itself. And trying to find healing in her or from her, is like putting a band-aid on a six inch gash. Healing can only be found in God, and it is to Him that we must look.
"God will do this. He will actually bring women across your path who speaks to your longings, and your wounds, your fears even, in order to raise the issue so that he might heal. This can't be done in the abstract. It must involve those very places in our hearts and souls that have been wounded, or surrendered. It feels dangerous, and it is, but the surgery is needed, and until a man gets that healed he will be more and more vulnerable to a fall. So God will do what he needs to do in order to bring our heats to the surface."
Know, God is not leading you into sin, He doesn't do that. God is not giving you permission to lust or cheat. Rather God is trying to get you to rip off the band-aid, and let Him go to work cutting out the dead flesh and stitching up the wound. I had a friend who got out of a relationship feeling like it was his fault that it didn't work out. He didn't have any moral failures with the girl, but he kept feeling like it was his fault. As we talked he began to share some of the reasons, and in that I began to see how God was working to bring healing from the wounds of his past. But before God could go to work stitching up the wounds from the past, the band-aid had to be presently ripped off. This is the case with each of us.
And yes, it might seem dangerous, but don't forget we are Warriors, fully capable of facing danger and emerging victorious, especially when we are focused on being romanced by God. But still there is danger even in the healing. It is a risk to let God in, for us to journey back to the times in our life when we were cut the deepest, but we must go there, and this time we must come out victorious.
"It goes without saying that there is something in the soul of a man that makes him profoundly vulnerable to the Beauty... Over the ages men have handled this in basically one of two ways - surrender, or discipline. Surrender can be subtle, as when we let her in, when we allow ourselves to entertain the Beauty even though she is not ours. The lingering glance, the opening of our hearts to her. It can be blatant, as when we masturbate to a photo or a film, or give in to an affair. The damage is terrible, and many good men therefore choose discipline. Force yourself to look away, busy yourself with other things, fight it tooth and nail. Which is certainly better than surrender."
What are some ways you can fight? Don't put yourselves in a position first of all. Why would you walk knowingly into an ambush? If you have a problem with pornography, listen to praise and worship music all the time, especially when you're working on the computer. When all you hear is songs about God how can you focus no doing something that hurts your relationship with Him? If you're married, play with your wedding ring on your finger. Twist it around your finger, feel it, think about what it represents. If you aren't married, get a promise ring, a symbol of the commitment you're making. My wife used to work at a jewelry store, and they have a phenomenal ring there for men:
http://www.kay.com//en/kaystore/mens-wedding-band-bioblu27%C2%99-21090910399--1
Discipline in something we've worked to develop in earlier stages, and it is crucial that we do because we need it here. "But discipline without healing doesn't work real well over time, and it can do great damage to our hearts, which begin to feel like the enemy so we'll do what we can to kill them in order to avert disaster. There is another way. The way of holiness and healing and it involves what we do in that very moment, when our hearts are stirred by a Beauty."
John offers a prayer he wrote in his journal for moments like these, "O merciful God, come to me in this place, this very place in my heart. I give this to you. I choose you over Eve. I choose your love and friendship and beauty. I give my aching and longing and vulnerable heart to you. Come, and heal me here. Sanctify me. Make me whole and holy in this very place."
"Whole, and holy. That is what we need." Only then are we healed enough to be able to be disciplined without killing our hearts. Only then are we healed enough to fight the battle. What wounds are there in your heart? What past relationships or actions have wounded your heart? What band-aid have you covered them with? What is keeping you from experiencing the healing that God's stitches can bring?
Invite Christ in to bring healing. "Some of you men are still in an emotional tie with a woman you knew years ago. You must let her go - along with any photos, letters, mementos you are hanging on to... But you do not let her go with cynicism or resignation. You give that hurt place in your heart to God, invite him in to bring healing and holiness."
I've found fires to be a helpful tool here. Put everything in a box and seal it up. If need be give it to someone else to hold on to. Then pray and study, allow God to stitch up the wound, and then when your ready, when the healing has taken place, get the box, go outside, and celebrate with a fire. I've had one, and honestly it's one of the most freeing things I've experienced. Again, you don't want to do this with reluctance, because then it leads to regret. This must be a conscious and disciplined choice, and when it is, don't hesitate to bust out the matches and lighter fluid.
"And then there are the sexual issues, the holiness we need deep in our sexuality... Sometimes we have to be very specific to find the cleansing and relief we long for, going back and renouncing specific events, inviting the blood of Christ to cleanse our every sin away, that our sexuality may be made holy. We bring the cross of Christ between us and every woman we've ever had an emotional or sexual relationship with (read Gal. 6:14). This would include affairs over the Internet, and with pornography, and every misuse of your sexuality. And, brothers, if you are in an emotional or physical relationship with a woman other than your wife even now, you must walk away. You must walk away. No stalling, no excuse-making. You will not find healing, holiness, and strength until you do."
This takes a lot of prayer. Persistent, and specific prayer. I was kept from sexual sin, but I've had some emotional ties with girls before my wife. For a while they came up in my mind, especially when I was tired, but it was then that I really began to pray. Not simply "God get this out of my mind." But specifics, "God, forgive me for this... Cleanse this..." and not just once, but over and over until it is finished. It isn't always fun, some of these things you really just want to forget about, and know what, with this you can. I don't know the last time one of those thoughts came into my head. God has stitched it up and the wound is gone.
"And then there is the 'live moment,' when a beautiful woman crosses our path in person or in an image of some sort, and our hearts are stirred. how we handle that moment is critical. We do not surrender, we do not kill the longing. We give that very place over to Christ. That place in your heart, right there, right then, give to Jesus. Awakened by a beauty, we give that part of our hearts to God... Again? Yes again and again and again. That is how we are healed, made whole and holy and strong."
Bounce your eyes, and pray. Go back to the ring on your finger, it isn't just about your wife, or future wife, but about a commitment to God. And in all things, remember that the woman is simply a reflection of the beauty of God, instead of focusing on her, turn your attention to Him. Allow yourself to be swept up in the extravagance of His beauty.
"Finally, we must open our hearts to all the other ways God is bringing beauty into our lives. The beauty of a flower garden or moonlight on water, the beauty of music or a written word. Our souls crave Beauty, and if we do not find it we will be famished. We must take in Beauty, often, or we will be taken out by beauty."
My mind just thought of this, but I love what Paul says in Philippians 4.4-9, "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."
All of those things are only true of God, and we are to rejoice in Him and dwell on Him. When we do He is near us and with us. And when He is with us, our hearts are healed. One of my favorite, and most crucial, moments in life happened when I had finally been healed from an emotional connection with a girl. I was watching Brave Heart and I heard a line that at that moment came from the mouth of God. "Your heart is free. Have the courage to follow it." In just a few months I would begin a relationship with my wife, and I was able to because my heart was free, and I courageously followed it. And I'm so glad I did.
I realize there is so much more that could be said here. In some ways I feel inadequate to talk about many of these areas because thanks to the grace of God, I haven't struggled with them. I hope what I have said here is clear and helpful, and as always there is an email at the bottom of the page if you want to converse more about this or any topic.
Allow God to remove the band-aid and stitch up the wounds. In the end you will find healing and hear Him tell you, "Your heart is free. Have the courage to follow it."
"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
To God alone be the Glory!
Strength and Honor
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