“Hopefully by now - having passed through some experience of the other stages, and this one, too - the heart of the man has been awakened, come alive. Hopefully by now he is becoming a passionate man, a lover of beauty, haunted by the Great Romancer. Love, Beauty, Romance, Sexuality. It seems that when these are taking their place in a man's life, embraced, made whole and holy by God, then loving a woman comes quite naturally to a man... A man detached from his heart might attempt to do the right things toward a woman - valentines, flowers, a night on the town - but it will lack essential passion, and she won't enjoy it. Principles do not a Lover make."
And now we come to it at last, the relationship between a man and a woman. This is part of life, and a good part. But it must occur at the proper moment. You can marry the right person at the wrong time. Before a man enters into a relationship with a woman, he must first know who he is. He must know his identity in Christ, and he must know the love of God for him. Then, and only then, can he truly begin to love his wife.
Let's look at Scripture. Ephesians 5 says it clearly, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless" (verses 25-27).
Love your wives just as Christ loved the church. How did Christ love the church? He lived a perfect life, setting an example for them on how to live, and then He laid His own life down to die to save it. He died so that the church could have new life, and He lived showing them what the new life looked like. In order to love his wife as Christ loves the church a husband must be willing to both lay down his life, and to live in his God given identity. In order to do that he must have been the Beloved Son, and also be a Warrior. Beloved Sons know who they are, and Warriors stand firm and take back ground from the enemy. And sadly, when it comes to your wife, there will be a lot of ground to take back. Not because of her, but because she, as the reflection of beauty, has been so assaulted by the enemy.
"Now, a few words of warning. Loving a woman will prove to be your greatest test as a man, and probably your greatest battle." It will be a fierce fight, but it is a fight we must win. But it's amazing how many men enter into a marriage never expecting a battle.
"The great surprise is that she is broken. Often her brokenness will remain hidden until she becomes engaged, or married, and then wham - it all comes out. Why is that? You'd think now that she is safe, now that she knows she's loved, she would be in a better place. But that's just it - now that she is safe and loved, her soul can quit pushing it all down. Before she is pursued and wanted, she fears that she cannot be herself of no man will want her. Now that she is loved, her heart comes forth and with it the sorrow of her life. It presents an opportunity for healing, so long as the young man handles things well. (Your life and validation are found in God - hang on to that!) Learn to pray for her, tenderly when you are with her, and fiercely in your closet alone. You will need to fight the evil one for your wife, the historic demons that have assaulted her since her youth."
Your warrior's heart is essential, here. I can't stress that enough. And when your wife opens up and shares with you, it's because she trusts you to fight for her heart, it's because she believes you can, and she wants you to. She married you for your strength; give it to her now when she needs it most. And it is for this reason that a man must first know the love of God. Again, I can't stress this enough. Our strength comes from Him. We learn that we are loved from Him. And we learn to love from Him. The closer you are to God, the more you can love and fight for your wife.
And it is important to note that you won't always feel loving. And what you do in those moments says so much about you, and molds you. "Loving a woman when you are in love comes easily. Sure, sometimes awkwardly, in that there is much to be learned to be a Lover. But the motivation is fully in force when you are in love. Our development as men and Lovers comes in those times when things don't feel romantic at all."
Love isn't defined by the warm fuzzy feelings. Real love is seen in the hard times. It's what you do when it isn't easy, when it isn't what you really want to do. And when you do this, you begin to set her heart free. "You see, the Beauty is in there. She is in there. A real Lover makes love to the soul of a woman, not just her body. And her soul is lovely, whatever else might be going on. The beauty is there. And, to taste the fruit of your strength and courage and steadfastness, over years, as your wife begins to come into the healing and freedom God intends for her - ah, that is sweet fruit indeed. I know none sweeter."
This battle is fierce, but it is worth every moment of the fight. Remember, the woman is the reflection of God's beauty, and the freer her heart is, the more completely it can reflect His beauty. The more whole and complete you are the more whole and complete she can be. And when a man and a woman, whole and complete in who God created them to be, come together as one, you have something absolutely incredible. The fullest image of God that can occur this side of Heaven.
And so fight for her. Pursue her. John gives advice I heard before my wife and I were married. "'Try to out-bless God in blessing her.' Meaning, try to outdo the Great Romancer in finding ways to simply lavish upon your wife." You can't do it. But the heart of a Lover, loves to continue to try.
"The heart of a Lover simply wants to lavish her with love, with no thought of return. It does return, as her heart is filled with gratitude. Not because something is owed, but because her heart matters to you and your heart matters to her more than just about anything in the world. This is love we're talking about." Love her, and watch her love you. And in this you'll get a glimpse of God's love for you. The more you love her, the more you'll understand the love of God for you.
"Learning to be loved, and learning to love, learning to be romanced, and learning to romance - that is what this stage is all about. Not duty. Not merely discipline. But an awakening of our hearts to the Beauty and Love of God, and at the same time (we cannot wait until some later time), we offer our hearts as well - to God, to the women in our lives, to our sons and daughters, to others. This is a love story, after all... He is a great Romancer, and you shall be also."
"Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
To God alone be the Glory!
Strength and Honor
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